Ex  HtbrtB 


SEYMOUR    DURST 


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Avery  Architectural  and  Fine  Arts  Library 
Gift  of  Seymour  B.  Durst  Old  York  Library 


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Three  Months 


WITH    THE 


NEW  YORK  HERALD 


OR 


OLD  NEWS  ON  BOARD  OF  A  HOME- 
WARD-BOUNDER. 


BY 


CAPT.  A.   MINOTT  WRIGHT. 


New  York : 

Published  for  the  Author  by 

WILLIAM   BEVERLEY    IIARISON, 

3  East  Fourteenth  St., 

1891. 


Copyright  i€gi, 
JOHN  H.  POTTER 


P  I       1  k  A  /.•  '.  mi.  \,  New  V 


To  all  who  believe  in  fair  play,  and  who  do 
not  wish  the  world  to  think  us  incapable  of  gov- 
erning ourselves,  this  book  is  respectfully  dedicated. 


PREFACE. 

I  sailed  with  the  Herald  because  it  was  given  to 
me,  read  it  because  I  had  nothing  else  to  read,  wrote 
about  it  because  I  could  not  help  it,  and  now  publish 
what  I  wrote  because  my  friends  order  me  to  do  so. 

My  aversion  to  writing  has  often  got  me  into 
trouble  with  my  friends,  caused  me  to  be  repri- 
manded by  my  ship-owners,  and  made  me  feel  the 
bitter  sarcasm  of  ship-brokers  ;  but  when,  on  a  for- 
mer voyage,  I  saw  that  the  American  eagle  wras  get- 
ting into  disrepute,  I  felt  that  the  time  had  come 
when  to  be  silent  longer,  was  to  be  disloyal.  In  the 
correspondence  column  of  a  foreign  newspaper,  ap- 
peared the  following  letter  : 

Sir:— In  regard  to  Germany  and  Samoa,  I  ask  permission  to 
say  a  few  words  to  those  of  your  readers  who  refuse  to  be  carried 
away  by  mere  fury  and  verbiage,  but  are  open  to  argument  and 
fair  play.  I  simply  mean  tc  utter  a  warning  and  to  register  a 
prediction.  The  warning  is  this — not  to  harbor  any,  if  ever  so 
slight,  thoughts  of  deserting  the  Union  Jack  for  the  Stars  and 
Stripes,  even  if  advocated  by  the  most  plausible  personalities. 
Let  these  colonies  remain  loyal  to  the  mother  country,  relying  on 
her  strength  whilst  the  scheme  of  a  solid  confederation  of  the 
Empire  grows  to  maturity.  The  American  eagle  has  a  blunt 
beak,  lame  wings,  and  claws  corroded  by  corruption  ;  and  we  all 
know  that  the  biggest  words,  though  screeched  out  by  the  big- 
gest mouth,  break  no  bones.  My  prediction  is  this — the  Yankees 
will  take  precious  good  care  not  to  go  to  war  with  Germany,  but 
after  plenty  of  screeching,  and  doing  the  biggest  things  with  the 
tip  of  their  tongues,  will,  without  the  slightest  dignity,  retire  to 
"as  you  were,"  when  they  feel  Bismarck's  iron  fist  under  the 


4  PREFACE. 

velvet  glove.  It  may  suit  corrupt  millionaires  and  wire-pullers 
for  sordid  speculation's  sake  to  blow  the  war  trumpet  to  a  cor- 
rupt Congress.  Those  people  at  the  White  House,  on  \\!r  im 
rests  the  real  responsibility  of  conducting  their  country's  affairs, 
will  blow  off  as  soon  as  they  have  suited  the  ends  of  their  own 
party.  They  know  well  enough  that,  should  they  declare  war 
against  Germany,  that  they  would  receive  by  return  of  post  a 
declaration  of  war  by  China,  that  their  Pacific  and  Atlantic  sea- 
coast  towns  would  be  heaps  of  ruins  before  they  could  arm  a  single 
cruiser  worthy  of  consideration.  Should  Yankee  democracy, 
however,  be  so  rotten  as  to  act  contrary  to  the  wisdom  which 
framed  the  groundwork  of  the  great  Republic,  then  fatal  conse- 
quences will  speedily  ensue.  The  inhabitants  of  the  Union  are 
not  homogeneous.  A  war  against  Germany  would  at  once  pro- 
voke action  on  the  part  of  four  million  Germans,  who  have  not 
forgotten  their  old  Fatherland  yet.  Civil  war  would  break  out. 
Thousands  of  Chinese  would  fight  in  their  own  Asiatic  fashion, 
such  as  applying  matches  to  large  towns  on  breezy  days,  etc.,  and 
Pandemonium  would  descend  on  a  country  which  thinks  it  can 
provoke  the  demon  of  war  with  a  light  heart,  because  it  has 
plenty  of  money.  I  am,  etc., 

Penrose,  February  2,  18S9.  R.   Fricke. 

— New  Zealand  Herald,  February  5,  1SS9. 

After  vainly  looking  for  some  literary  person  who 
was  as  indignant  as  I,  it  suddenly  struck  me  that  I 
could  try  it  myself ;  and  in  the  New  Zealand  Herald 
of  February  8,  1889,  appeared  my  first  contribution 
to  the  press. 

The  reader  can  readily  understand  why  I  do  not 
insert  it  here  ;  but  if  he  ever  does  me  the  honor  to 
hunt  it  up,  and  thinks  the  above  letter  not  sufficient 
apology  for  it,  let  him  confess  that  Washington  and 
Jefferson  lived  in  vain. 

I  wondered  where  this  man  got  his  information,  I 


PREFACE.  5 

never  having  before  seen,  in  any  foreign  newspaper, 
such  vile  abuse  of  our  Government,  or  any  other  ; 
and  this  was  in  a  column,  responsibility  for  which  is 
disclaimed  by  the  editor.  When,  on  the  present 
voyage,  I  had  given  careful  attention  to  the  Herald, 
and  remembered  that  I  had  received  it  in  the  same 
town  in  which  this  letter  had  appeared,  it  seemed  to 
me  that  the  problem  was  solved.  I  can  readily  see 
that  any  one  who  formed  their  judgment  of  us  from 
the  contents  of  that  journal,  would  be  so  misled  as  to 
expect  our  country  to  fly  to  pieces — like  a  superannu- 
ated topsail  in  a  typhoon — at  the  least  shock  of  war  ; 
because  the  editor  does  not  explain — what  he  very 
well  knows — that  war  is  all  that  is  required,  in  order 
for  us  to  show  the  world  that  our  disagreements  are 
largely  superficial  ;  and  are  usually  magnified  by  the 
editors,  in  the  hope  of  selling  newspapers  to  those 
who  were  beaten  at  the  polls. 

"A.  Minott  Wright," 
Master  of  Barque   Wm.  Phillips. 


INTRODUCTION. 

According  to  Captain  Marryat  "  the  fool  of  the 
family  "  takes  to  the  sea,  as  naturally  as  a  duck  to  a 
mill-pond.  This  is,  probably,  the  reason  why  there 
is  no  record  of  more  than  one  of  us  ever  having  given 
an  "  opinion."  This,  as  all  the  world  knows,  was  Com- 
mander Jack  Bunsby  of  His  Britannic  Majesty's 
Channel  Fleet  of  coal  schooners  :  who,  according  to 
a  well  known  and  thoroughly  honest  contemporary, 
'was  christened  John."  For  this  reason,  perhaps,  al- 
though I  feel  in  a  humor  for  writing,  I  shall  be  very 
careful  about  being  trapped  into  trying  to  follow  in 
the  path  of  that  wise  navigator;  knowing,  as  I  do,  that 
genius  is  intermittent,  and  visits  our  planet,  in  its  ex- 
treme form,  in  much  greater  cycles  than  intervenes 
between  his  day  and  mine. 

At  first  I  thought  that  this  would  make  it  impossi- 
ble for  me  to  write  :  but  on  remembering  that  I  had 
read  many  opinions  that  I  would  not  like  to  present 
to  an  unoffending  public  as  gems,  it  suddenly  struck 
me  that  what  the  public  needs  is  questions,  to  start 
their  thoughts  into  operation,  and  then  they  can  form 
opinions  which  they  will  more  surely  retain. 

"Convince  a  man  against  his  will  " — you  know  the 
rest  :  ask  him  questions  and  allow  him  to  convince 
himself,  and  you  have  him  safe. 

Here  was  a  strategic  situation,  that  would  have  de- 
lighted the  heart  of  a  field-marshal.  Questions  were 
the  things,  and  I,  as   the  one  who  went  to  sea,  was 


8  INTRODUCTION. 

just  the  man  to  ask  them.  Did  not  all  of  our  mothers 
try,  before  we  were  out  of  pinafores,  to  instill  into  our 
baby  minds  the  fact  that  only  foolish  people  ask 
them  incessantly  ?  And  have  we  not  all  heard  people, 
who  hoped  that  they  showed  wit  thereby,  answer  a 
civil  question  with  the  words  "  to  make  fools  ask 
questions  ? " 

Now,  although  I  have  already  commenced  to  ask 
them,  I  do  not  promise  that  what  is  to  follow,  will  be 
questions  alone  ;  but  I  mean  that  they  shall  prevail, 
and  if  I  get  warmed  into  the  indiscretion  of  now  and 
then  making  an  assertion,  let  it  be  understood  that  ] 
am  ready  to  retract,  whenever  the  "  Northern  Wolf  " 
of  Byron  shows  his  teeth — and  a  good  reason  for  my 
doing  so.  If  I  should,  despite  my  caution,  be  also 
betrayed  into  giving  a  genuine  full  fledged  "opinion," 
let  the  reader  charitably  remember  that  I  am  one  who 
has  furled  a  royal  by  the  weird  gleam  of  the  dreaded 
"  Corpse  light  "  at  the  yard-arms  and  truck,  and  am 
consequently  liable  to  be  led  into  the  superstitious 
hope  that — I  having,  also,  been  known  to  contempo- 
raries as  "Jack,"  there  may — Juliet  to  the  contrary 
notwithstanding — be  something  "  in  a  name." 

With  the  exception  of  a  few  short  letters  in  defense 
of  myself  or  "  the  old  flag  "  when  on  "  alien  soil,"  I 
have  never  appeared  before  that  vicious  enemy  or  en- 
thusiastic friend — as  the  case  may  be — the  Public  : 
and  but  for  a  circumstance  which  the  title  foreshadows, 
and  which  will  be  explained  later,  I  should  not  have 
thought  of  taking  that  position  now.  I  have  been 
informed  by  people  who  never  laid  awake  a  night   to 


INTRODUCTION.  9 

study  how  to  contribute  to  my  pleasure,  that  my  pri- 
vate letters  would  do  to  read  ;  and  a  very  short  and 
crude  public  one,  gained  for  me  the  proud  distinction 
of  being  the  champion  of  that  noble  fowl  the  Ameri- 
can Eagle.  Hence  my  temerity  in  allowing  the  cir- 
cumstance mentioned  above,  to  urge  me  to  the  pres- 
ent startling  experiment. 

That  I  shall  step  on  some  deeply  grounded  prej- 
udices, goes  without  saying  ;  as  I  always  do  ;  but  a 
long  experience  has  taught  me  that  I  can  do  so,  ver- 
bally, with  impunity;  and  in  the  above-mentioned  case 
of  using  the  pen  for  it,  I  got  some  of  the  heartiest 
cheers  from  the  enemy.  In  a  Southern  port,  in  '68, 
while  watching  my  ship's  cotton  on  the  wharf,  I 
talked  the  rankest  Northernism  with  the  maimed  Con- 
federate veterans  who  watched  the  cotton  presses, 
and  we  parted  such  good  friends,  that  they  rushed  to 
the  ship  for  news  of  me,  the  first  time  she  returned. 
For  many  years,  I  have  figured  as  a  radical  Norther- 
ner in  the  South — as  an  embryo  rebel  in  the  North  ; 
even  going  so  far  as  to  caution  a  friend  in  favor  of 
the  memory  of  one  whom  I  had,  in  the  fire  eating 
days,  gone  to  the  expense  of  '  hanging  in  effigy,"  much 
to  the  detriment  of  a  "  man  of  straw  "  whose  business 
it  had  been  to  scare  the  birds  from  the  cherry  trees  ; 
and  which  violent  patriotism  .lid  not  save  me  from  a 
mild  chastisement,  at  the  hands  of  a  parent — who  has 
since,  probably,  got  me  down  for  a  most  hopeless 
rebel — for  ruining  his  garden  beds  with  scattered 
straw. 

I  have  talked  Conservatism  to  Fenians,  Liberalism 


IO  INTRODUCTION. 

to  Conservatives.  I  have  championed  the  laborer  to 
the  employer's  face,  I  have  loudly  expostulated  with 
the  former  for  ruining  his  cause,  by  combining  for 
ultimately  useless  and  detrimental  resistance  :  I  have 
protested  to  the  "  goose  "  for  not  laying  more  "  golden 
e§gs>"  I  have  begged  her  life  from  those  who  would 
ruin  themselves  by  foolishly  killing  her  ;  and  all  this 
without  giving  offense,  except  in  one  case  :  and  in 
this  the  man  was  not  satisfied  with  my  favor,  but 
wished  me  to  fight  for  him.  But  I  know  that  what  is 
written  is  not  as  easily  covered  by  the  next  judicious 
sentence,  as  what  is  spoken  ;  so  shall  strive  hard  to 
be  as  careful  as  I  can,  consistently  with  an  ingrained 
prejudice  against  prejudice. 


CHAPTER  I. 


THE   NEW    YORK  HERALD. 


Probably  most  people  have  wondered  why  human 
beings,  in  the  eYent  of  some  great  change  that  ap- 
pears to  the  spectator  to  be  entirely  to  their  advan- 
tage,  show  discontent,  and  a  desire  to  return  to  their 
old  way  of  life.  We  read  of  the  adopted  street  Arab, 
whothriYed  on  the  squalor  of  city  slums,  languishing 
in  the  embrace  of  comfort  and  plenty.  We  haYe 
heard  of  prisoners  shrinking  from  the  open  iron  door 
which  has  shut  out  the  sunlight  during  the  best  part 
of  their  lives,  and  showing  a  preference  for  the  dark- 
ness of  the  dungeon,  to  which  they  haYe  become  in- 
ured. But  perhaps  the  friends  of  the  writer,  who 
know  that   he  loves  to  use  his  tongue  otherwise  than 

to 

"  Give  the  word,  above  the  storm, 
To  cut  the  mast  and  clear  the  wreck  " 

and  who  have  often  asked  him  why  he  goes  to  sea — 
not  knowing,  poor  souls,  that  it  is  as  impossible  for 
him  to  earn  a  dollar  on  shore  as  it  is  for  his  sailors 
to  keep  one,  since  the  U.  S.  Government  has,  by  the 
appointment  of  that  modern  guardian,  the  U.  S. 
Shipping  Commissioner,  provided  a  means  of  accu- 
rately informing  those  who  live  by  the  sweat  of 
Jack's  brow,  of  the  exact  day  and  hour  he  is  to  re- 
ceive it  ;  giving  them  a  chance  to  locate  it  with  a 
view  to  a  transfer — unknown  to  the  days  of  the  pri- 


12         UNPRECEDENTED  CIRCULATION. 

vate  pay  table — may  be  surprised  to  hear  that  he  has 
recently  learned  to  tremble  at  thoughts  of  living  in 
the  mad  hive  on  shore,  even  if  he  should  succeed  in 
winning  the  necessary  competence  to  enable  him  to 
do  so. 

For  many  years  I  have,  when  about  home,  pur- 
chased the  Herald  pretty  regularly  ;  because  it  has 
the  shipping  news  "  par  excellence,"  and  on  account 
of  its  association  with  the  Jeannette  and  Arctic  ice- 
bergs— with  Stanley  and  the  hidden  mysteries  of 
"Darkest  Africa."  That  any  one  ever  read  it  never 
occurred  to  me  until  very  recently,  since  I  com- 
menced to  read  it  myself.  (For  fear  that  I  may  ruf- 
fle editorial  fur,  and  cause  an  expedition  to  be  fitted 
out  to  intercept  me  on  my  next  voyage  "  to  far 
Cathay,"  I  will  here  explain  that  I  have  never  read 
any  other  newspaper — much.) 

There  are  probably  many  daily  journals  in  the 
world  which  claim  the  largest  circulation  within  cer- 
tain limits.  (No  one  who  has  travelled  from  the 
"  Golden  Gate"  to  the  Sierra  Nevadas,  can  doubt 
that  "  the  Chronicle  has  the  largest  circulation  on  the 
Pacific  Coast,"  because  he  has  seen  it  proclaimed 
from  every  railroad-fence,  rock,  barn,  tree  and  stump, 
not  previously  appropriated  by  the  proprietors  of 
"Magic  Oil"  and  the  "Rising  Sun")  I  learn  from 
the  editorial  page  of  the  Herald  that  its  circulation 
is  190,500.  These  figures  I  am  inclined  to  doubt 
(one  moment,  Mr.  Editor,  please;  I  assure  you  1  shall 
advance  weighty  reasons).  How  they  can  be  true  in 
the  face  of  the  fact,  that  a  copy  is  to  be  seen  in  the 


WHY    I    READ    IT.  13 

hands  of  nearly  every  one  of  the  500,000  persons 
which  (as  advertisers  are  assured)  travel  daily  on  the 
elevated  roads,  and  in  nearly  every  office,  club  room, 
saloon,  restaurant,  hotel  and  barber  shop  of  the  three 
cities  ;  that  stacks  of  them  occupy  news-stands  all 
over  the  United  States,  and  that  my  acquaintance 
with  any  member  of  a  newspaper  staff  in  the  most 
remote  antipodes,  results  in  bales  of  them  being  sent 
on  board  of  my  ship,  I  leave  to  abler  mathematicians 
than  myself  to  determine.  Whether  or  not  the  Her- 
ald claims  the  largest  circulation,  I  do  not  know  ;  and 
am  not  in  a  position  to  judge  ;  but  if  it  claims  the 
7i>idest,  I  will  back  that  position  with  every  dollar  that 
I  can  borrow.  If  I  should  be  sailing  around  some 
"corner  of  the  earth,"  and,  gravitation  failing,  my 
vessel  should  take  a  flight  to  the  moon,  I  should  walk 
into  the  nearest  newspaper  office  and  ask,  with  per- 
fect confidence,  for  their  latest  copy  of  the  Herald, 
in  order  to  learn  whether  or  not  the  "Commercial 
cable"  had  announced  any  other  vessel  as  making  a 
like  voyage. 

If  the  reader  is  curious  to  know  why,  having  so 
often  seen  the  Herald,  I  have  only  just  commenced 
to  read  it,  I  can  easily  explain.  Heretofore  I  have 
received  the  usual  bale,  glanced  at  the  shipping 
news,  skimmed  through  the  file  to  learn  with  what 
nation  we  were  "  talking  fight,"  and  whether  Con- 
gress intended — in  case  of  their  accepting  the  gaunt- 
let— to  lay  a  plant  for  the  manufacture  of  guns, 
appoint  a  survey  to  locate  a  good  site  for  a  fort,  and 
advertise  for  tenders  for  the  construction  of  a  battle- 


14  A    NAUTICAL    LIBRARY. 

ship,  or  to  depend  on  the  eloquence  of  some  millen- 
nial-minded senator,  to  induce  the  enemy  to  disarm 
— thereby  effecting  a  balance  of  power  at  less  ex- 
pense— and  retired  to  the  perusal  of  something  more 
easily  digested.  If  I  was  ever  tempted  to  go  deeper, 
the  words  "  Boodle  "  and  "  Boodlers,"  in  huge  char- 
acters, at  the  head  of  nearly  every  page,  was  quite 
sufficient  to  dissipate  the  temptation. 

On  the  present  voyage,  owing  to  the  fact  that 
''Looking  Backward  "  and  other  such  works  of  luna- 
tic dreamers,  had  penetrated  to  the  South  Pacific 
Colonies,  and  the  inhabitants  of  these  resorts  of 
"  peace  and  plenty "  having  thereby  learned  that 
good  pay  and  a  good  prospect  of  future  wealth  was 
not  good  enough  for  the  masses — but  that  it  was 
necessary  to  fore-arm  against  the  chimerical  "  Pro- 
cess of  Perspiration,"  of  which  they  had  read — I  was 
so  much  absorbed  in  the  struggle  to  navigate  my 
ship  through  strikes,  riots  and  boycotts,  and  get  to  sea 
without  a  "  union  crew" — who  would  probably  want 
to  submit  the  question  of  when  to  reef  the  spanker  to 
arbitration,  that  I  neglected  to  take  my  usual  stroll 
among  news-stands  and  book  arcades;  and  the  re 
suit  is,  that  my'present  available  library  consists  of 
scarcely  more  than  a  Nautical  Almanac,  a  Bowditch's 
Navigator  and  a  Bible.  The  Navigator  and  Almanac, 
consisting  mostly  of  tabulated  figures,  are  of  interest 
only  for  a  few  minutes  after  the  sun  has  passed  the 
meridian,  until  I  have  ascertained  the  ship's  position; 
and  the  Bible — well — since  it  is  falling  into  disfavor 
with  the  American   Public  Schools — we  do  not  feel 


A    NAUTICAL    LIBRARY.  15 

constrained,  on  ship-board,  to  read  it  oftener  than 
once  a  week.  The  cook-book  is  a  volume  necessary 
on  shore,  but  useless  when  at  sea  with  a  steward  who 
not  only  knows  exactly  what  the  Phoenicians  had  to 
eat  on  each  particular  day  of  the  week,  but  who  per- 
sists in  the  theory  that  we  are  to  follow  the  gastro- 
nomical  example  of  those  ancient  navigators  and 
explorers,  with  a  pertinacity  which  promises  to  par- 
tially supply  the  place  of  an  almanac,  if  we  should 
sail  without  remembering  to  purchase  one.  There- 
fore we  do  not  have  that  useful  work.  Hence  the 
reason  why  I  have  dived  so  deeply  into  those  hitherto 
unexplored  columns. 


CHAPTER  II. 

CONTRASTS. 

On  commencing  the  perusal,  I  found  it  somewhat 
diverting  to  note  the  wonderful  contrasts  which  ap- 
peared in  different  columns.  To  read  in  one  that  a 
senator  from  the  peaceful  and  snow-clad  slopes  of  the 
White  Mountains  wished  to  postpone  the  building  of 
battle-ships  until  we  had  applied  all  our  eloquence  to 
John  Bull,  Esq.,  to  try  to  induce  him  to  dismantle  his 
American  fortresses  and  withdraw  his  bristling  tur- 
rets from  American  waters  ;  and  then  turn  to  another 
and  learn  that  the  revenue  cutters  of  the  Pacific  had 
received  orders  from  the  Government  to  proceed  to 
Behring  Sea  and  seize  all  illicit  sealers,  though  the  bel- 
lowing of  the  powerful  bovine  seemed  to  indicate  that 
he  would  regard  such  a  measure  as  an  act  of  war.  Also 
that  Admiral  Walker  had  received  orders  to  proceed 
to  South  America  with  his  all-powerful  squadron  of 
four  cruisers — profusely  covered  with  white  paint, 
if  deficient  in  armor — and  see  to  it  that  none  of  the 
Powers  of  Europe  were  allowed  to  count  a  vote  from 
Terra  del  Fuego  to  the  Rio  Grande. 

To  read  in  one  column  a  sermon  in  which  a  millen- 
nial Divine  insists  on  the  theory  that  there  is  to  be 
no  more  fighting,  that  it  must,  in  future,  give  place  to 
argument  ;  and  turn  to  another  and  learn  that  in  the 
late  encounter  between  "  Jake  Slogan,  the  spider  of 
the  Allcghanies,"  and  "  Sam  Bruiser,  the  scorpion  of 


CONTRASTS.  1 7 

the  South-west,"  there  was  some  "beautiful  slug- 
ging," and,  taken  all  around,  it  was  a  "  fine  show." 
(Why  should  this  not  tempt  some  eloquent,  peaceful, 
non-athletic  man  to  arrange  a  match  with  the  great 
and  admired  John  L.  for  $3000  a  side,  and  then  try, 
by  dint  of  argument,  to  induce  that  heroic  slugger 
to  yield  the  stakes  without  a  blow  ?) 

If  this  were  all,  it  would  only  be  amusing  ;  but 
amusement  must  give  place  to  indignation,  when  we 
read  in  one  column  that  labor  has  won  a  great  "  vic- 
tory "  (apparently  over  the  employer,  whom  it  de- 
serted while  on  a  large  contract,  with  a  heavy  time 
penalty — but  really  over  its  own  future  welfare)  ;  and 
turn  to  another  and  learn  that  a  like  attempt  has  re- 
sulted disastrously  in  destruction  of  property — which 
must  cause  misery  to  the  destroyers — in  violence,  ar- 
son, bloodshed,  starvation  and  murder. 

Finally,  indignation  must  become  mixed  with  pa- 
thos, when  we  read  that  Congress  is  becoming  so 
reckless  in  the  distribution  of  pensions  that  national 
bankruptcy  is  threatened  ;  and  then  turn  a  page  and 
learn  that  the  mother  of  the  late  Lieutenant  Cushing 
(the  lady  who  gave  birth  to  one  of  the  world's  great- 
est heroes,  who  gave  him  a  mother's  blessing,  and 
bade  him  "  God-speed  "  when  he  started  on  an  en- 
terprise which,  for  brilliance  of  conception,  vigorous 
prosecution,  heroic  valor,  success,  effect  on  the  cause 
of  a  bleeding  country,  and  miraculous  and  masterly 
escape,  stands  second  to  none  in  naval  history)  is 
suffering  from  want  and  in  danger  of  becoming  an 
object  of  charity.     Surely,  if  Congress  appropriates 


l8  DIFFICULTIES. 

too  much  money  for  pensions,  some  of  it  must  be 
sadly  diverted  from  its  most  worthy  objects. 

Following  this  easy  diversion  comes  the  more  seri- 
ous problem  of  getting  initiated  into  the  "  topics  of 
the  day."  Before  the  reader  condemns  me  as  being 
hopelessly  imbecile  for  not  having  read  the  newspa- 
pers whenever  opportunity  offered,  let  him  imagine 
himself  cut  off  for  six  months  or  a  year,  and  some- 
times for  two  or  three  years,  from  his  daily  and 
weekly  newspaper,  his  Harper  s,  his  Judge,  his 
monthly  magazine,  and  even  his  opportunity  of  se- 
lecting from  the  book-stand  the  latest  novel,  and  then 
glance  at  a  "  daily  "  laden  with  the  "  topics  of  the 
day."  If  he  knows  that  any  thread  that  he  succeeds 
in  recovering  will  again  be  hopelessly  lost  in  a  week 
or  two,  and  is  aware  that  it  is  his  transient  and  long 
looked-for  opportunity  for  becoming  acquainted  with 
his  mother,  will  he  use  much  time  in  an  attempt  at 
the  solution  of  the  problem  ? 

Why  !  on  the  occasion  of  my  last  witnessing  a  game 
of  base-ball,  the  superb  batting  of  Brouthers  and  the 
great  Mike  Kelly  were  insufficient  to  divert  my  mind 
from  vaguely  wondering  what  could  be  the  name  of 
ihe  New  York  journal  which  the  urchin  at  the  ferry- 
house  had  described  as  the  "  Sunny  Wall."  A  chari- 
table friend  has  since  informed  me  that  the  cherub 
was  announcing  that  he  was  in  a  position  to  furnish 
to  the  by-standers  and  passengers  a  copy  of  the 
Sun  or  the  World ! 

I  have  spent  hour  after  hour  in  mid  air  above  the 
New  York  streets,  vainly  cruising  from  end  to  end  of 


REFORM.  19 

the  vast  city,  in  consequence  of  the  guards  of  the  "  L" 
roads  systematically  using  every  vocal  sound  which 
the  English  language  affords,  excepting  those  which 
I  have  been  taught  to  ascribe  to  the  letters  which 
form  the  names  of  the  streets  where  the  trains  stop  ; 
South  Ferry  and  129th  Street  being  the  only  two  that 
I  could  hit  with  any  degree  of  accuracy,  and  these 
owing  to  the  fact  that  one  must  leave  the  train  im- 
mediately or  get  himself  kicked  out. 

The  easiest  thing  to  learn  is  that  the  Jlera/dprides  it- 
self on  being  areformer"  from  away  back  ;"  and  makes 
it  a  point  to  expose  every  item  of  villany,  bribery,  cor- 
ruption and  boodleism,  from  the  St.  Croix  to  the  Rio 
Grande,  from  Mendocino  to  Hatteras.  This  is  prob- 
ably well  and  necessary  ;  but  would  it  not  be  advan- 
tageous, while  there  is  a  chance  of  our  having  a  pos- 
sible shred  of  national  respectability  remaining — in 
the  estimation  of  the  world — either  for  some  other 
journal  to  take  the  matter  in  hand,  or  use  some  other 
medium  for  the  dispensation  of  American  news  in 
"the  corners  of  the  earth,"  and  keep  the  great  re- 
former nearer  home,  where  it  can  sink  deeply  into  the 
hearts  of  the  tolerators  of  "  lobbyism,"  and  gnaw  at 
the  vitals  of  "cable  stealers  and  street  grabbers  "  ? 
Why  should  the  denizens  of  remote  islands  be  in- 
formed of  the  fact  that  the  immaculate  members  of 
the  New  York  police  force  had  been  unjustly  sus- 
pected, by  an  ungrateful  government,  of  having  an  in- 
terest in  the  sale  of  base  intoxicants ? 

The  writer  has  often  wondered  why,  when  he  has 
— in   foreign   ports — hoisted    the    delicately    tinted 


20  ITS    EFFECT    ABROAD. 

banner  of  whose  symmetrical  stripes  and  superb 
constellation  of  stars  he  has  ever  been  so  proud,  the 
people  regard  it  much  the  same  as  they  would  if  it 
were  of  sombre  black,  and  surmounted  by  a  skull 
and  cross  bones  ;  why  he  himself  is  regarded  as  a 
kind  of  modern  Kidd  ;  why  his  lady  friends  lose  the 
most  of  their  interest  in  him,  when  they  learn  the 
sad  fact  that  he  has  not  been  married  and  divorced 
several  times,  and  why  his  gentlemen  friends — if  over 
twenty — expect  to  learn  of  his  many  "  hair-breadth 
'scapes  "  from  flying  bullets  on  native  street  corners, 
and  if  under  that  age,  never  fully  forgive  him  after 
they  learn  that  he  has  not  got  a  pistol  in  each  hip 
pocket,  and  a  "bowie  knife  "  in  each  boot  leg.  He 
has  also  wondered  why, — though  war,  revolutions, 
rapine,  popular  murder,  anarchy,  nihilism  and  such 
effects  of  misgovernment,  are  constantly  being  re- 
ported from  nearly  every  other  country  on  the  face 
of  the  globe — he  continually  has  to  face  the  fact,  that 
his  own  capitol  is  thought  the  very  hot-bed  of  corrupt 
legislation.  Can  he  wonder  longer  after  having  read 
a  long  file  of  Heralds,  captured  in  a  journal  office  of 
'i  remote  colony  ? 


CHAPTER   III. 

THE  KEMMLER  CASE. 

In  regard  to  the  "  Kemmler  case,"  and  the  threat- 
ened blow  to  the  hemp  industry  through  the  substi- 
tution of  electricitjr  for  the  removal  of  the  barnacles 
of  society,  perhaps  it  will  not  be  fair  for  me  to  write 
much  ;  I  having  an  advantage  of  the  Herald  through 
having  read,  in  a  South  Sea  journal,  a  cablegram 
which  showed  that  the  carefully  prepared  "  chair," 
was  a  far  safer  place  than  "  Mr.  Westinghouse's  "  light 
poles,  with  their  wires  insulated  by  his  most  profound 
experts ;  proving  that  all-wise  organ  at  fault  for 
once.* 

Not  having  been  aco^ainted  with  Kemmler  at  the 
time,  I  do  not  remember  whether  or  not  it  was  he 
who  took  the  leading  part  in  that  horrible  and  bung- 
ling tragedy  ;  but  I  earnestly  hope  it  was  not.  Not 
knowing  the  circumstances  of  his  crime,  I  can- 
not help  thinking  that  the  honor  of  being  the 
pioneer  in  the  candidacy  for  the  great  blood-curdling 
experiment,  and  living  for  several  days  in  the  expecta- 
tion of  at  any  moment  being  led  to  the  fatal  seat,  was 

*"  The  experiment  of  death  by  electric  current  is  worth  trying. 
It  has  been  effective  in  the  case  of  a  score  of  wage  working  line- 
men :  let  us  see  what  it  will  do  for  a  murderer." — N.   Y.  Herald. 

One  who  admires  courage  hopes  that  these  "linemen  "  will  dare 
to  earn  their  bread,  after  reading  about  the  great  experiment. 
[Author.] 


22  A    SUBSTITUTE. 

sufficient  punishment  for  one  man  to  endure.  And% 
one  who  has  led  a  somewhat  secluded  life,  and  has  sel- 
dom seen  anything  more  sanguinary  than  a  dog  fight, 
or  an  occasional  skirmish  to  decide  which  end  of  the 
ship  shall  rule,  cannot  help  hoping  that  the  scientific 
cannibals  who  gathered  at  the  prison  to  see  the  fun, 
satisfied  their  perverted  taste  by  the  sacrifice  of  the 
"calf"  that  seems  to  have  been  "caught  in  a 
thicket  by  the  horns  "  (if  he  had  any,  and  one  "  who 
has  been  there  "  thinks  he  must  have  had — or  have 
been  wonderfully  "fatted" — to  have  weighed  five 
hundred  pounds)  for  the  purpose  :  and  that  after 
holding  a  barbecue  on  the  charred  remains,  they  re- 
turned to  their  Bluebeard  dens,  leaving  the  modern 
Isaac  to  benefit  by  that  most  inscrutable  of  all  writs 
— Habeas  Corpus. 

At  least  it  is  gratifying  to  learn  that  the  reprieve 
"  made  him  easier  in  his  mind,"  and  let  us  hope  that 
he  apologized  to  the  humane  warden  for  the  "lots  of 
trouble"  (which  may  or  may  not,  have  included  the 
vain  tears  shed  by  his  lady  in  that  "  tearful  farewell 
interview")  which  that  official  suffered  in  conse- 
quence.* 

*"  I  do  not  know  whether  Kemmler  was  told  the  hour,  but  when 
Mrs.  Durston  went  down  and  had  a  tearful  farewell  interview  with 
him  and  then  went  *  *  *  *  the  man  must  have  known  that  his 
time  of  doom  was  near,"  *  *  *  * 

"  Late  in  the  afternoon  Warden  Durston  went  down  to  Kemm- 
ler's  cell  and  said  : 

"  '  Well,  Kemmler,  you  have  got  a  reprieve.' 

"  '  All  right,'  said  Kemmler. 

"  '  It  causes  us  lots  of  trouble,'  said  the  Warden. 


A    SUGGESTION.  23 

If  the  Empire  State  still  aspires  to  using  that 
instrument  of  vengeance,  which  appears  to  a  rude 
(and  perhaps  superstitious)  navigator  to  belong  pe- 
culiarly to  the  Almighty,  I,  judging  from  the  little  I 
have  heard  when  ashore,  think  there  is  no  better 
scheme  than  to  sentence  the  offender  to  "one  year's 
hard  labor  "  in  the  service  of  a  lighting  company. 
Perhaps  six  months  would  be  sufficient,  but  if  the 
circumstances  of  the  crime  were  peculiarly  atrocious, 
I  recommend  a  year  to  make  all  safe.  This  will  not 
only  assure  "  the  deep  damnation  of  his  taking  off" 
on  the  improved  plan,  but  have  the  additional  ad- 
vantage of  keeping  him  yet  more  deeply  in  ignor- 
ance of  the  day  and  hour. — Vide  Herald,  April  30, 
1890. 

"  '  It  makes  me  easier  in  mind,'  said  Kemmler. 

"*****  About  five  o'clock  the- warden  took  a  sprightly  calf 
of  about  500  lbs.  to  the  death  chamber  *  *  *  *  The  animal 
went  over  as  if  he  was  a  log.  He  was  like  one  frozen." — N.  Y. 
Herald. 


CHAPTER   IV. 

INTERSTATE    COMMERCE,  DEFENSES,  ETC. 

To  the  "original  package"  decision,  I  have  var- 
ious objections.  I  think  secession  is  an  experiment 
that  will  never  again  be  tried,  but  I  can  imagine  the 
horror  that  it  will  create  in  the  minds  of  my  "water- 
drinking  "  friends. 

Personally  I  am  afraid  it  will  make  a  "  teetotaler  " 
of  me.  I  have  sometimes — when  in  a  Prohibition 
State — felt  a  vicious  delight  while  surreptitiously  hid- 
ing, beneath  my  overcoat,  a  few  "original  packages" 
of  beer,  which  I  had  located  at  infinite  pains,  and 
plodded  through  the  vilest  of  snowstorms  to  obtain  ; 
but  if  this  becomes  a  legal  transaction,  I  probably 
shall  drink  as  little  beer  as  I  do  when  I  am  in  the 
Metropolis,  where  several  saloons  are  to  be  found  in 
nearly  every  block,  for  the  convenience  of  Agitators 
who  would — like  King  Solomon — divide  the  day  into 
three  equal  portions  :  only  substituting  for  the  word 
"  recreation" — "destruction  of  health."  I  also  fear 
an  increase  in  the  number  of  "  original  packages  "  of 
the  vilest  fluids,  with  which  one  unavoidably  comes 
in  contact — in  the  above  mentioned  State — in  smok- 
ing cars,  and  on  Fair  grounds,  and  other  places  of 
public  recreation  ;  vastly  preferring,  if  men  will  persist 
in  going  to  the  devil,  to  have  them  do  so  in  places  set 
aside  for  the  purpose. 

On  the  question  of    fortifications  and  defenses,  I 


OUR    FORTIFICATIONS.  2$ 

join  the  Herald  \n  its  praise  of  the  masterly  manner 
in  which  it  has  represented  our  forlorn  condition. 

What  strikes  me  as  the  most  ominous  in  this  con- 
nection,— is  the  almost  total  silence  of  our  army 
officers  ;  knowing,  as  they  do,  that  an  hour's  work  of 
a  modern  piece  of  heavy  ordnance  would  convert 
our  strongest  fort  into  a  good  site  for  a  market  gar- 
den, and  kill  with  showers  of  antediluvian  masonry, 
peaceful  inhabitants  in  the  distant  rear. 

Having  many  friends  in  the  army,  I  do  not  like  to 
create  a  suspicion  that  they  are  mercenary  ;  but  is  it 
not  probable  that,  situated  as  they  are — victims  of 
such  slow  promotion  that  it  seems  safe  for  them  to 
purchase  shoulder  straps  by  the  dozen  or  hundred — 
and  having  spent  at  least  four  years  of  their  lives 
at  a  spot,  the  historical  associations  of  which, 
together  with  such  words  as  "  SARATOGA "  and 
"  BUNKER  HILL,"  cut  deeply  in  the  rocky  cliffs — 
instead  of  the  painted  reminders  of  "Gargling  Oil" 
and  "  Sea  Weed  Tonic  "  seen  in  other  localities — 
might  well  cause  a  born  American  to  desire  to  "  eat 
iron  like  an  ostrich  "  in  defense  of  the  land  so  val- 
iantly rescued  from  tyranny  by  his  ancestors — they 
may  be  tempted  to  wink  at  the  situation,  until  an 
enemy  has  been  lured  across  the  Atlantic  ;  knowing, 
as  they  do,  that  in  case  of  our  showing  half  a  fight- 
ing front,  no  hostile  expedition  would  dare  approach 
American  "  soundings,"  and  their  "  occupation  " 
would  be  as  hopelessly  "  gone  "  as  that  of  the  war- 
like and  jealous  "  Moor  of  Venice  "  ?  This  would  not 
apply  to  the  naval  officers,  as,  if  they  get  the  enemy 


TORPEDOES. 

scared,  they  can  amuse  themselves  counting  votes 
for  young  sister  republics. 

I  see  that  many  private  citizens  still  insist  that  our 
torpedoes  are  sufficient  protection.  I  believe  that  if 
we  had  the  time  and  material  to  make  some,  they 
would  be  as  efficacious  as  the  salt  that  boys  use  in 
catching  birds  ; — no  trouble  to  catch  the  bird,  if  he 
can  get  near  enough  to  balance  the  salt  on  his  tail  ; 
and  if  an  enemy  would  refrain  from  disturbing  the 
torpedo,  and  kindly  not  molest  us  while  we  explode 
it,  he  could  consider  himself  conquered. 

I  much  regret  the  situation,  but  am  afraid  there 
will  be  no  material  change  before  improvement  in 
ordnance  has  brought  Chicago  and  St.  Louis  within 
range  from  the  Atlantic  sea-board. 


CHAPTER  V. 

RAPID    TRANSIT— THE    CENSUS. 

One  of  the  worst  shoals  on  which  I  grounded  was 
"  Rapid  Transit."  What  did  it  mean  ?  I  had  an  idea 
what  the  words  meant,  separately,  and  remembered 
having,  in  Boston, — after  having  waited  ten  minutes 
on  the  corner  and  walked  nearly  the  whole  length  of 
Atlantic  Avenue — seen  them  together  on  the  roof  of 
a  car  which  passed  me  just  when  I  turned  down 
toward  the  ferry.  Surely  this  could  not  be  what 
Gotham  was  clamoring  for?  This  is  the  kind  we 
enjoyed  in  the  palmy  days  of  matehood,  when,  after 
learning  that  our  destination  was  the  extreme  end  of 
South  Brooklyn — to  be  cheered,  after  a  long  voyage, 
by  a  distant  view  of  the  tombstones  of  Greenwood — 
instead  of  New  York,  as  we  had  anticipated,  we  tal- 
lied cargo  till  nightfall,  and  then  reached  Twenty- 
third  Street  in  season  to  see  the  curtain  fall  on  the 
second  act.  But  now,  when  one  can  be  whirled  over 
the  same  ground  and  have  time  for  a  smoke  before 
the  overture,  what  is  New  York  looking  for  next  ? 
Does  it  aspire  to  wings,  a  system  of  balloons,  to  be 
transmitted  by  a  direct  current  of  electricity,  or  shot 
from  a  pneumatic  gun  ? 

Before  getting  any  light  on  the  subject,  I  learned 
that  Piatt  had  killed  it.  Who  was  Piatt?  Alas  !  I  had 
no  data  by  which  to  ascertain,  except  that  he  was 
evidently  a  politician.     (Subsequently,  since  reading 


2  6  THE    CENSUS. 

the  "Herald  Politics,"  I  have  decided  that  he  and 
"  Barney  Biglin  "  are  probably  republicans.)  Later 
I  learned  that  it  was  resuscitated  by  the  Herald  play- 
ing Hendrick  Hudson's  scheme  on  Governor  Hill  ; 
and  still  later,  I  got  hold  of  an  issue  that  suggested 
to  do  away  with  one-third  of  the  stations  on  the  "  L  " 
roads,  and  save  half  of  the  time  used  in  transit. 

I  knew  before  that  New  York  could  "  dive  deeper, 
stay  down  longer,  and  come  up  dryer  "  than  any  other 
city  (save  Chicago),  and  could  do  anything  it  under- 
took (except  to  get  the  "World's  Fair")  ;  but  I  had 
yet  to  learn  that  a  New  York  locomotive  could  make 
two  miles  between  stations,  as  quickly  as  one,  and 
could  save  an  additional  five  or  six  minutes  in  con- 
sequence of  the  excitement  generated  by  the  feat. 
I  find  that  I  must  ask  the  reader  to  look  it  up,  as  I 
am  in  as  hopeless  a  muddle  as  I  was  when  I  read  it 
myself;  it  must  depend  on  the  "bearin'sof  the  ob- 
serwation." 

I  am  in  somewhat  of  a  quandary  about  the  new  cen- 
sus ;  I  am  ambitious  to  be  one  of  the  great  mush- 
room population,  but  am  not  sure  that  I  have  no' 
been  rejected,  my  mother  not  being  able  to  tell  the 
enumerating  fiend  how  many  teeth  I  have  lost,  and 
exactly  how  much  of  my  hair  has  disappeared.  She 
could  tell  them  that  I  was  living  within  my  means, 
knowing  that  I  was  where  my  running  expenses  were 
scarcely  more  than  the  wear  and  tear  of  my  razor, 
but  I  don't  know  whether  or  not  this  would  be  suffi- 
cient. 


CHAPTER  VI. 

THE  MCCALLA  COURT  MARTIAL BALLOT  REFORM,  ETC. 

The  McCalla  Court  Martial  probably  deserves 
mention  by  the  way.  Not  having  served  in  the  navy, 
I  am  not  certain  whether  or  not  the  crews  thereof 
furnish  such  sample  pirates  as  do  those  of  my  own 
service.  If  they  do,  I  can  heartily  sympathize  with 
the  unfortunate  commander  in  all  except  his  desire 
for  a  "  counterfeit  presentment"  of  the  culprit.  The 
taste  for  photographing  a  ruffian  who  does  his  best 
to  make  life  hideous  to  him  who  would  keep  order — 
and  who  I  should  think  capable  of  temporarily  set- 
ting aside  the  elegance  and  refinement  which  seem 
to  be  instilled  at  Annapolis,  and  which  I  have  so 
admired  in  the  many  naval  officers  of  my  acquaint- 
ance— must  be  purely  naval.  We  of  the  merchant 
service,  vastly  prefer  oblivion. 

I  congratulate  the  commander  on  having  his  per- 
secution read  by  at  least  one  who  "has  been  there  "  ; 
who,  notwithstanding  his  reputation  among  his  friends 
as  a  lamb,  has — after  ironing  a  poor  victim  who  mor- 
ally deserved  hanging — been  converted  by  the  evi- 
dence and  the  enthusiastic  reporters  —  who  never 
allow  a  doubt  of  its  truth  to  enter  the  columns  of  the 
journals  they  serve — into  such  a  hideous  Legal  Wolf, 
that,  after  reading  the  account  of  his  villany,  he  was 
almost  tempted   to  give   away  his  dog  in  despair   of 


3<D         FAMILIARITY    DETRIMENTAL    TO    DISCIPLINE. 

ever  again  being  recognized  by  even  that  sample  of 
canine  sagacity. 

According  to  the  evidence  of  the  officers,  it  is  very 
unusual  for  the  commander  of  a  naval  vessel  to  figure 
as  the  muscular  power,  and  I  should  think  it  a  heavy 
undertaking  when  a  crew  is  numbered  by  hundreds  ; 
but  there  is  a  certain  "  Morale  "  (if  that  is  a  good 
word)  about  an  officer  who  is  usually  out  of  sight, 
which  makes  a  slight  shake  by  the  collar  from  him, 
more  efficacious  than  heavy  knock-down  blows  from 
those  who  are  always  at  the  front,  and  whose  proba- 
ble strength  has  been  repeatedly  sized  up  and  dis- 
cussed by  Jack,  until  he  has  become  familiar  with 
the  thought  of  resisting  them  ;  and  has  probably 
passed  his  word  of  honor  to  his  shipmates  that  he 
will  do  so  when  occasion  arises. 

The  writer  finds  it  necessary  to  prohibit  his  officers 
from  undertaking  any  quarrel  without  first  referring 
it  to  him  ;  and  in  nine  years,  excepting  in  a  few  cases 
where  an  officer  has  disobeyed  him  in  this,  there  has 
neither  been  a  man  hurt  nor  in  irons  ;  nor  has  any 
breach  of  discipline  been  tolerated  on  board  of  his 
ship.  Yet,  when  he  was  a  watch  officer,  and  the  cap- 
lain  left  the  discipline,  as  is  usual,  to  him,  it  often  re- 
sulted as  related  above,  or  worse.  It  was  the  newly 
arrived  Prussians  who  demoralized  the  French  at 
Waterloo,  and  the  sudden  news  of  Johnston  (or  some 
one  else),  whom  they  had  been  unconsciously  fight- 
ing all  day,  that  scattered  the  Yankees  at  Bull  Run. 

To  show  why  we  of  the  haunts  of  Neptune  should 
freely  forgive  those  on  shore  for  so  readily  believing 


EXAMPLES    OF    CREDULITY.  31 

the  tales  told  of  us,  I  will  relate  one  of  many  cases 
which  I  have  seen,  of  the  most  extraordinary  cred- 
ulity, even  among  our  own  brotherhood. 

When  I  was  sailing  as  mate,  one  of  my  contempo- 
raries got  promoted  to  the  command  of  a  ship,  and 
sailed  for  the  same  quarter  of  the  globe  that  I  did 
myself.     While  loading  at  a  port  on  the  China  sea, 

my  captain  came  on  board   and  told  me  that  C 

had  made  a  "nice  mess  of  it,"  and  proceeded  to  tell 
me  how  he  had  deliberately  sailed  away  from  a  boat 
and  six  men,  leaving  them  to  perish.  Having  then 
had  the  same  habit  of  asking  questions  that  still  re- 
mains with  me,  I  asked  him  if  he  believed  that  it 
was  true.  He  seemed  to  believe  it  because  "  they 
say  "  it  was  so.  I  then  called  his  attention  to  the 
fact  that  those  men  were  purchased  in  the  same 
market  that  ours  had  been,  and  that  we  had  paid  for 
them  $45.00  each  ;  also  that  we  had  not  a  boat  on 
board  that  cost  less  than  $125.00.  This  would 
make  it  cost  about  four  hundred  dollars  for  the 
pleasure  of  murdering  a  half-dozen  men,  as  well  as 
to  leave  him  short-handed  in  the  very  place  where  he 
needed  men  the  most.  The  captain  was  immediately 
convinced  of  the  truth,  which  was  evidently  that  this 
unfortunate  man  had  erred  on  the  side  of  humanity. 
A  man  had  fallen  overboard,  and  he  had  been  com- 
pelled to  immediately  decide  whether  to  leave  him 
to  perish  and  risk  being  pronounced  guilty  of  an  in- 
difference which  is  virtually  murder,  or  risk  five 
more  lives  by  lowering  a  boat  to  try  to  rescue  him. 
He  chose  the  latter,  and   if  he  had  been  successful 


32  THE    WRITER    AS    A    CULPRIT. 

would  have  been  cheered  as  a  hero  ;  but  he  lost  his 
boat  and  men,  and  the  very  best  that  he  could  hope 
for  at  the  hands  of  that  cruel  monster  "  they,"  was 
to  be  abused  for  having  shown  bad  judgment  ;  and 
it  appeared  that  that  hope  was  vain,  even  among  his 
fellow  scape-goats. 

I  have  myself  had  four  men  fall  overboard.  Two 
were  saved  by  my  throwing  something  which  would 
keep  them  from  sinking  until  we  could  get  a  boat  to 
them.  One  of  the  others  was  unable  to  swim  to  the 
hatch  that  I  threw  over  the  instant  that  I  learned  of 
his  fall,  and  when  we  had  got  the  ship  hove  to,  and 
got  the  boat  out,  there  was  no  trace  of  him  to  be 
found.  The  other  one  had  sunk  and  was  drowned 
before  I  was  told  about  it,  and  I  was,  of  course,  in- 
dignant at  every  one  who  was  on  deck  at  the  time, 
and  did  not  make  a  motion  to  save  him  nor  inform 
me  ;  and  reprimanded  them  severely.  Though  the 
helplessness  that  appears  to  take  possession  of  many 
people  in  a  sudden  emergency  of  the  kind,  some- 
times seems  to  me  almost  criminal,  it  seems  harsh  to 
report  it  to  the  world  ;  so  I  simply  reported  that  I 
had  done  all  that  I  could  do  to  rescue  him  (which 
was  no  more  than  to  order  all  hands  aloft,  and  to  go 
with  them  myself,  to  watch  for  his  possible  reappear- 
ance), and  did  not  add  that  if  I  had  been  informed, 
or  if  even  the  usual  shout  had  been  given,  I  might 
easily  have  saved  him,  as  the  vessel  was  under  short 
sail,  and  was  moving  through  the  water  very  slowly, 
and  he  had  fallen  from  the  jib-boom. 

It  would  seem  almost  impossible  that  one  of  those 


THE    FLACK    CASE.  33 

who  knew  all  the  circumstances  would  have  lent  his 
aid  to  put  blame  on  me  ;  but  some  one  of  those  who 
make  it  their  business  to  brand  us  as  the  enemies  of 
humanity,  wrote  a  letter  to  a  newspaper,  and  got  the 
signature  of  one  of  my  crew  attached  to  it,  stating 
that  I  had  made  a  false  report  and  had  done  nothing 
whatever  ;  which  was  literally  true,  because,  when  I 
learned  of  it,  there  was  nothing  that  could  be  done. 
I  should  have  been  represented  as  one  of  the  blackest 
of  villains,  if  I  had  not,  fortunately,  been  acquainted 
with  the  reporter,  and  he  informed  me  of  it,  taking 
my  statement,  and  having  it  inserted  immediately  be- 
low the  letter.  I  met  the  man  whose  name  it  bore, 
and  asked  him,  in  the  presence  of  the  reporter,  if  he 
knew  what  he  had  signed.  He  stated  that  he  did  not, 
except  that  he  had  a  general  idea  that  it  was  some- 
thing against  me. 

I  must  here  ask  the  reader,  when  he  learns  of  some 
extraordinary  piece  of  cruelty  on  ship-board,  to  re- 
member how  much  affection  the  employed  on  shore 
usually  show  for  those  under  whom  they  serve,  and 
what  monstrously  impossible  stories  they  tell  of  them  ; 
and  then  judge  how  much  the  necessary  discipline 
and  close  proximity  which  life  on  board-ship  necessi- 
tates, may  increase  the  sentiment. 

Of  the  "  Flack  case  "  I  have  been  unable  to  un- 
ravel a  thread  ;  so  retire  from  the  contest,  only  able 
to  guess  that  Mrs.  Flack  got  divorced  in  some  mys- 
terious manner — apparently  while  asleep.  Whether 
or  not  a  like  calamity  befel  Mr.  Flack  and  son,  I  can- 
not even  conjecture. 


34  ELECTRO-GUBERXO    MANIPULATION. 

I  have  known  that  the  Herald  was  very  enterpris- 
ing in  fitting  out  expeditions  to  pursue  the  paths  of 
Drs.  Livingstone  and  Kane,  but  had  to  learn  that  it 
probably  "  fits  out  "  the  Governors  to  send  to  Al- 
bany, and  keeps  them  under  its  orders  ;  telling  them 
what  bills  to  sign,  and,  apparently,  being  usually 
obeyed.  This  may  be  an  over  estimate  ;  but  in  the 
issue  of  June  9th,  I  gather  that  the  Gubernatorial 
"  stumpie  "  had  already  "  gaed  down  i'  the  ink  "  to 
sign  the  "Cable  Steal  Bill,"  when  a  warning  bellow 
from  the  great  editorial  bull  caused  the  Executive  to, 
like  Rip  Van  Winkle,  "  think  about  it,"  and  like 
him  also,  to  sleep  on  it.*  Why  could  not  some  me- 
chanical expert  invent  an  automatic  Governor,  to  be 
operated  by  a  wire  leading  to  the  Herald  office  ;  and 
save  to  the  New  York  populace  the  salary  of  that  of- 
ficial, to  help  meet  the  much  dreaded  "  McKinley 
prices  "  ? 

About  "  ballot  reform"  and  "  the  Australian  sys- 
tem," the  writer  feels  equally  cheerful  with  the  Herald. 
He  did  not  know  before,  that,  republican  votes  were 
the  kind  usually  thrown  on  the  market,  but  will  feel 
repaid  for  the  loss  to  his  side,  if  everything  will  be 
arranged  so  that  he  can  safely  leave  his  gun  at  home 
when  he  makes  his  first  trip  to  the  polls  ;  and  if  it  de- 


"  Albany,  June  9th,  1890.  The  agony  is  over  and  the  Cable 
bill  is  dead.  Governor  Hill  slept  on  the  remaining  thirty-day  bills 
last  night.  *  *  *  This  action  *  *  *  virtually  ac- 
knowledges the  power  and  popularity  of  the  morning  newspapers. 
*  *  *  Governor  1 1  ill  shows  that  he  has  read  the  Herald 
carefully  and  profited  by  his  reading." — X .    )'.  Ifrrald, 


VOTERS    TO    BECOME    THINKERS.  35 

prives  him  of  all  chance  of  selling  out  to  the  highest 
bidder,  he  can  congratulate  himself  on  the  fact  that 
he  so  seldom  gets  his  goods  to  market  in  season,  that 
the  loss  will  not  be  large. 

He  remembers  once  having  been  where  he  could 
have  voted,  though  a  non-resident,  at  the  very  tender 
age  he  then  enjoyed  ;  but  the  popular  ticket  not  being 
the  one  he  preferred,  and  not  having  at  hand  a  bat- 
tery of  artillery  to  accompany  him  to  the  polling 
booth,  he  decided  to  remain  on  board  of  his  ship,  and 
not  follow  the  example  of  the  executive  officer,  whose 
vote  for  the  New  York  ex-Governor  promised  to  be  of 
more  value  in  that  locality,  than  in  his  native  State  ; 
where  it  would  have  been  asphyxiated  beneath  the 
overwhelming  number  for  the  great  soldier.  He 
probably  did  not  sell  it,  because  the  metal  that  passed 
as  legal-tender  in  that  campaign — and  in  that  quar- 
ter— was  far  baser  than  gold  and  silver,  and  less  de- 
sirably administered  than  is  usual  with  those  finer 
qualities.  He  (the  writer)  bids  the  reformers  "  God- 
speed," and  is  perfectly  willing  to  allow  our  newly 
imported  voters  t©  work  out  their  own  political 
scheme,  in  their  own  heads,  and  not  be  enrolled,  at 
Castle  Garden,  as  a  matter  of  course,  by — well,  let  us 
say — either  party. 

I  can  read  of  the  deluging  Mississippi  floods  with  a 
sang  froid  worthy  of  Noah,  and  the  tales  of  de- 
vastating tornadoes  and  hurricanes,  remind  me  of  the 
story  of  Jack,  lying  in  the  lee  of  the  weather  bul- 
warks, after  "  goose  winging  "  the  last  topsail  and  lash- 
ing  the    helm  "  a-lee,':  and    saving  "How    I   pities 


3<5  A    SOLITARY    COMPLIMENT. 

all  unhappy  folks  on  shore,"  followed  by  hints  of 
"  flying  tiles  and  chimney  tops  "  ;  but  when  one's  own 
ship  is  in  fields  of  floating  kelp  six  degrees  south  of 
Cape  Horn — where,  perhaps,  no  keel  has  startled  the 
melancholy  penguin  since  those  of  the  Adventure 
and  Beagle  under  Fitzroy — with  persistent  north- 
erly winds  that  threaten  to  keep  her  there  till — like 
the  ghostly  skipper  who  hails  second  mates  in  the  mid- 
dle watch,  begging  to  be  towed  out  of  the  equatorial 
"  doldrums  " — I  become  a  phantom  of  the  South  Shet- 
lands — to  read  of  disastrous  collisions  with  icebergs, 
and  see  an  illustration  of  the  careworn  bows  of  the 
TJiingvalla — that  famous  steamship  which  seems  to 
have  been  built  to  steam  stern  first  after  butting 
every  obstruction  that  the  North  Atlantic  affords — is 
slightly  grating  to  the  nerves. 

I  am  pleased  to  learn  that  Mr.  Blaine  was  so  suc- 
cessful in  learning  of,  and  forereaching,  the  filibus- 
tering scheme  in  the  far  West,  as  it  shows  that  a  man 
may  be  a  republican  and  not  add  indifference  to  the 
many  faults  that  we  see  charged  to  that  party.  The 
graceful  acknowledgment  of  this  by  the  Herald,  is 
like  "a  spring  of  water  in  a  desert,"  or  a  gleam  of 
sunshine  off  Cape  Horn.* 

*  "  We  make  our  compliments  to  Secretary  Blaine.  It  is  not 
often  that  the  Government  gets  ahead  of  the  newspapers.  His 
promptness,  etc." — N.    Y.  Herald. 


CHAPTER  VII. 


CAPITAL    AND    LABOR. 


And  now  having  disposed  of  some  of  the  minor 
topics,  I  come  to  one  of  the  great  questions  of  the 
age — the  situation  of  Capital  and  Labor.  If  there  is 
a  character  in  a  position  to  be  envied,  it  is  the  origi- 
nal Puck.  What  a  delightful  thing  it  must  be  to  be 
composed  of  thin  air,  look  down  from  a  perch  on  a 
chimney  pot  or  tavern  sign,  and  contemptuously  ex- 
claim ''What  fools  these  mortals  be  ";but  to  be  mortal, 
and  watch  the  same  fools  while  they  manage  affairs  in 
which  xme,  though  "  out  of  the  swim  "  at  present, 
takes  a  lively  interest,  is  not  such  good  fun.  Where 
Puck  would  feel  nothing  but  mirth,  the  poor  mortal 
is  forced  to  fight  against  useless  indignation. 

To  one  who  has  boasted  that  his  country  is  one 
where  to  be  born  in  a  log  hut  is  no  bar  to  passing  a 
part  of  life  in  the  "  White  House,"  or  at  least  to  leav- 
ing a  name  not  to  be  forgotten  while  history  sur- 
vives, it  is  sad  to  learn  that  our  laboring  classes  are 
struggling  to  create  between  themselves  and  their 
employers  the  same  hopeless  chasm  that  exists  in 
most  other  countries  :  and  to  see  column  after 
column  of  a  newspaper  (edited,  probably,  by  a 
thinking  man,  who  is  capable  of  seeing  cause  and 
effect,  who  has  read  the  result  of  the  popular  de- 
monstrations of  history,  and  who  knows  that  the 
actors  in  the  greatest,  bloodiest  and  most  excusable 


8  HOPE    NECESSARY    TO    HAPPINESS. 


— in  that  it  subverted  the  greatest  Tyranny, —  made 
Emperor  by  acclamation,  and  followed  through  the 
rugged  passes  of  the  Alps,  over  the  heated  hills  of 
Italy,  through  the  frozen  snows  of  Russia,  and  up  to 
the  belching  cannon's  mouth,  of  the  allied  forces  at 
Waterloo,  a  man  whose  ambition  probably  aimed  at 
no  less  than  the  subjugation  and  enslavement  of 
Europe — if  not  of  the  world) — cheering  them  on  to 
so-called  victory  with  the  same  eclat  as  though  they 
were  soldiers  fighting  for  National  existence,  is  most 
exasperating.  If,  as  I  believe,  this  is  done  to  en- 
hance the  popularity  of  the  journal,  is  the  editor  not 
as  dishonest  as  any  Boodler  of  them  all,  who  puts 
the  price  of  his  vote  in  his  Aldermanic  pocket,  and 
leaves  the  hoodwinked  populace  to  be  blocked  by 
Broadway  cars,  and  driven  from  their  homes  by  some 
offensive  enterprise? 

It  grieves  me  to  see  a  fellow  countryman  consign 
himself  to  hopeless  drudgery  for  life,  by  acts  through 
which  he  is  sure  to  lose  the  confidence  of  his  em- 
ployer, whose  assistance  he  must  have  in  order  to 
rise,  and  whose  capital  it  will  be  necessary  to  have 
invested,  to  create  opportunities.  It  may  be  argued, 
that  there  is  not  room  for  all  to  get  to  be  masters. 
This  is  certainly  true  ;  but  some  can,  and  I  ask  any 
successful  man,  if  he  has  found  his  chief  happiness 
in  the  struggle, — cheered  by  the  light  of  hope — or 
in  the  satiety  of  entire  success  ? 

I  read  of  men  saying  they  can  do  as  much  work  in 
eight  hours  as  in  ten.  One  who  has  worked  the  six- 
teenth hour  to   put  up  haycocks  in  shape   to  repel  a 


goose.  39 

"  Northeaster,"  and  who,  if  he  had  left  the  field  at 
the  end  of  the  fifteenth,  would  have  left  tons  of  hay 
to  half  spoil,  does  not  believe  this ;  unless,  indeed, 
that  great  monitor  the  "  Union  "  has  declared  how 
much  work  each  shall  perform,  as  he  has  seen  in 
some  trades. 

I  have  seen  the  calker  in  the  New  York  Dry  Docks, 
violently  suppress  the  natural  instinct  that  urges  the 
laborer  to  get  his  work  completed,  and  patiently 
wait  for  the  hour  at  which  the  great  tyrant  allows 
him  to  finish  his  seam  ;  thereby  causing  the  ship — 
his  only  ally  in  the  fight  against  the  Iron  Fiend  who 
threatens  to  deprive  him  of  bread — besides  the  loss 
in  labor,  to  pay  two  days  dock  rent,  in  lieu  of  the  one 
that  sufficed  while  the  "  Unions  "  were  yet  on  their 
own  side  of  the  Atlantic.  I  have  also  seen  a  goodly 
number  of  the  gallant  Indiamen  whose  seams  he 
once  kept  filled,  and  whose  copper  bottoms  he  used 
to  change  periodically — stripped  of  their  tapering 
spars  and  symmetrical  clouds  of  canvas — being  igno- 
miniously  towed,  coal  laden,  through  the  land-locked 
waters  of  the  United  States  coast  ;  leaving  him  and 
his  fellow  craftsmen  whom  he  thought  to  benefit  by 
his  generous  dallying,  to  wander  about  their  old 
haunts,  and  watch  "  unskilled  labor  "  removing  the 
barnacles  from  the  iron  bottoms  which  have  replaced 
most  of  those  on  which  their  hammers  and  mallets 
once  resounded. 

I  have  seen  myself,  one  of  the  survivors,  instead 
of,  as  formerly,  clutching  madly  at  any  freight  offer- 
ing for  the   Metropolis  —no  matter  if  at  a  less  rate 


40  THE    "UNION      A    TYRANT. 

than  those  for  other  ports — chartering, — when  antici- 
pating repairs,  for  another  port,  repairing  my  ship 
there,  and  then  moving  to  the  Metropolitan  loading 
berth  ;  thereby  paying  to  other  calkers,  to  the  tug- 
boat, the  ballast  dealer,  and  the  shipping  master,  the 
money  that  would  have  gone  to  the  New  York  calker, 
if  I  could  have  trusted  him  to  fairly  earn  it.  Does 
it  require  a  vast  amount  of  genius  to  trace  cause  and 
effect  in  all  this  ? 

Now  I  do  not  believe  that  we  shall  drift  back  to 
the  log  huts  of  our  ancestors,  through  the  "  victor- 
ies "  recently  won  by  the  different  building  trades; 
but  as  sure  as  the  law  which  brought  Newton's  apple 
to  the  earth,  all  such  victories  will,  sooner  or  later — 
as  Mr.  Talmage  justly  says,  "fall  on  the  heads  of 
American  labor." 

I  learned,  in  an  issue  of  the  Herald,  that  there 
were  thousands  of  "  locked  out  "  cloak-makers, 
whose  misery  was  sufficient  to  soften  any  one,  ex- 
cept "  a  heartless  sweater  ;  "  and  that  journal  appeals 
to  the  charitable  to  assist  them.  This  looked  bad 
for  the  manufacturers  ;  the  term  "  locked  out  "  being 
misleading  to  the  uninitiated. 

After  reading  several  allusions  to  the  same  unfor- 
tunate people,  I  at  last  got  hold  of  an  issue  that 
threw  a  bright  light  on  the  whole  matter.  I  learned 
that  the  manufacturers  were  only  guilty  of  locking 
their  shop  doors,  after  the  people  had  gone  out  ;  or, 
if  they  "locked  out"  any  one,  it  was  because  no 
rational  person  would  employ  people  to  make  cloaks, 
when   there  was  no  way  to  get  them  cut.     I  learned 


TO    BOTH    LAl'.OR    AXT)    CAPITAL.  4 1 

that  the  all  powerful  Union,  that  "many  headed 
monster  thing,"  that  great  and  inexorable  taskmaster, 
had  coolly  decided  that  free-born  American  citizens 
should  subsist  on  deteriorating  idleness,  and  from 
$1.50  to  $3.00  per  week,*  instead  of  healthful  occu- 
pation and  $24.00  ;  because,  forsooth  !  some  of  the 
cloaks  that  were  being  cut  by  its  slaves,  were  being 
made  by  people  who  claim  the  freedom  which  is  the 
proud  inheritance  of  the  Anglo-Saxon  race.  I 
learned  that  the  representative  of  this  mighty  op- 
pressor was  willing  to  submit  some  of  the  minor 
points  at  issue  to  arbitration  ;  but  on  condition  that 
the  manufacturers  concede  the  principal  ones  ;  which 
concession  would  place  them  in  bondage  more  hope- 
less— and  more  abject  because  voluntary —  than  any 
that  ever  fell  to  the  lot  of  the  swarthy  sons  of 
Africa. 

If  our  great  Metropolis  can  furnish  no  more  worthy 
objects  of  charity  than  those  who  have  been  ruth- 
lessly condemned  to  hunger  and  want  by  a  heartless 
scourge,  which  they  helped  to  create  and  are  still 
ready  to  sustain,  I  think  it  one  of  the  most  fortunate 

*  "  And  so  the  story  runs,  hour  after  hour  it  is  the  same  storv 
of  helpless,  hopeless  misery.  *  *  *  The  locked  out  opei- 
ators  received  their  weekly  allowance  yesterday.  The  married 
men  got  $3.00,  the  single  ones,  $1.50.  *  *  *  Men  and  women 
engaged  in  cloak-making  make  from  $10.00  to  $30.00  a  week  ac- 
cording to  their  ability  and  the  season  of  the  year;  *  *  *  cut- 
ters get  from  $20.00  to  $24.00  all  the  year  round  [Secretary 
Garside]  only  Union  men  can  be  employed.  Non-Union  men 
must  be  discharged.  There  can  be  no  arbitration  on  these 
points." — New  York  Herald. 


42  WHAT    ARE   k'  SWEATERS       f 

of  cities  ;  and  recommend  that  the  charitably  dis- 
posed look  elsewhere  for  a  chance  to  bestow  their 
munificence. 

I  would  like  to  learn  what  kind  of  person  is  called 
a  "  sweater."  Is  it  one  who  conducts  his  business 
with  as  little  outlay  as  is  consistent  with  success  ? 
Who  pays  as  small  remuneration  as  is  compatible 
with  faithful  and  efficient  service  ?  If  it  is,  I  would 
ask  who  is  exempt  ?  Is  the  merchant  with  whom  I 
charter  my  ship  a  "  sweater  "  because  he  looks  about 
to  see  what  vessel  he  can  get  at  the  lowest  figure — 
even  though  the  owners  become  bankrupt  in  conse- 
quence ?  Are  the  manufacturers  of  goods,  the  growers 
of  produce,  and  the  consumers  of  both,  "sweaters," 
because  their  search  for  cheap  transportation  forces 
him  to  do  so  ?  Is  the  U.  S.  Government  a  "  sweater  " 
because,  instead  of  bestowing  contracts  on  the  first 
comer  with  munificent  pay,  it  advertises  for  tenders, 
and  forces  competitors  to  "sweat  "their  employes 
as  much  as  possible,  or  despair  of  getting  the  con- 
tract ? 

If  it  is,  as  I  can  vaguely  guess  from  slight  allus- 
ions to  the  term  which  I  have  read,  those  who  em- 
ploy women  and  children,  who  is  to  say  where  the 
blame  lies  ?  If  a  woman's  only  chance  to  avert 
starvation  is  to  obtain  work,  even  at  the  mere  pit- 
tance that  is  paid  for  that  in  which  the  greatest  com- 
petition exists,  is  it  not  a  worthy  action  to  give  it  to 
her?  If  a  child  is  allowed  by  a  brutal  parent  or 
guardian  to  do  unnecessary  work  to  the  detriment  of 
education  and  health,  is  the  blame  to  be  put  on   the 


IS    THIS    THE    CAUSE  ?  43 

employer,  who  probably  does  not  know  but  that  it  is 
the  only  chance  to  frighten  away  the  proverbial 
"wolf? 

Although  I  have  been  unable  to  learn  the  exact 
definition  of  the  term,  I  learn  that  thinking  men 
are  searching  diligently  for  the  cause.  The  usual 
theory  seems  to  be,  "  over  competition  in  the  busi- 
ness ;  "  or,  as  I  understand  it,  too  many  invest  their 
capital  in  a  particular  branch  of  industry.  But  the 
remedy  is  not  forthcoming.  Who  shall  say  what  is 
over  competition  in — for  instance — theclothingtrade  ; 
which  seems  to  be  the  principal  one  in  which  poor 
employes  struggle  in  garret  and  basement  ?  Is  there 
too  much  competition  for  the  great  masses  who  pur- 
chase the  clothing  with  their  hard-earned  pay  ?  And 
if  so,  how  can  it  be  remedied  in  a  country  where 
every  one  has  a  right  to  invest  his  money  as  he  sees 
fit  ?  Who,  and  how  many,  are  to  close  their  shops, 
and  learn  a  new  business  ;  or  go  to  work  for  wages 
for  the  rest  ? 

Are  they  not  on  the  wrong  scent  ?  Is  not  the  over 
competition  on  the  side  of  the  employe  ?  And  is 
not  the  great  cause  of  the  evil  the  gregarious  pro- 
pensities of  mankind  ? 

Ask  any  person  who  has  lived  in  New  York  for  three 
years — from  the  greatest  merchant  to  the  smallest 
bootblack — what  consideration  would  induce  him  to 
spend  his  winters  far  in  the  country  ;  where,  instead  of 
two  daily  papers  and  unlimited  telegraph  tape,  there 
may  be  available  a  weekly  newspaper,  when  the  snow  is 
not  too  deep  for  the  transportation  of  mails  ;  where. 


44  THE    WRITER  S    EXPERIENCE. 

instead  of  the  every-day  excitement  which  the  street 
Arab  finds  on  the  street  corners  of  a  great  metropolis, 
he  may  meet  a  few  boys,  when  the  weather  is  not  too 
bad,  and  play  at  the  rustic  and  exciting  game  of 
snow-ball  !  I  would  wager  that  nothing  short  of  cer- 
tain ruin  for  the  one — or  the  absolute  impossibility  of 
obtaining  one  meal  per  day,  and  a  lodging  in  a 
crockery  crate,  for  the  other,  would  be  any  tempta- 
tion. 

If — lured  by  the  glare  and  bustle  of  a  great  city 
— poor  ill-advised  country  moths  break  up  their 
families,  close  up  their  houses,  and  (leaving  behind 
them  their  homes,  where  they  have  enjoyed  substan- 
tial and  wholesome,  if  not  dainty  food  ;  where  they 
have  worn  comfortable  and  warm,  if  not  elegant 
clothing  ;  where  work  and  sufficient  pay  to  insure  the 
comforts  of  life  are  always  at  hand)  flock  towards 
the  treacherous  light,  to  learn  their  mistake  and  re- 
pent only  when  their  wings  are  too  badly  singed  to 
admit  of  a  return  flight,  are  we  to  blame  those  who 
give  them  employment  by  which  they  evade  absolute 
starvation,  because  the  pay — which,  owing  to  the  des- 
perate competition  known  to  exist,  could  probably 
not  be  materially  increased  without  ruin  and  bank- 
ruptcy—is small  ? 

The  writer  was  born  in  the  country  and  yet  has  his 
home  there.  Me  dropped  pumpkin  seeds  in  the  corn 
hills  at  the  age  of  four,  with  no  ill  consequences, 
and  felt  a  proud  sense  of  proprietorship  in  the  cart- 
loads of  yellow  pumpkins,  which  has  probably  bene- 
fitted him  in  after  life.     He  attended  school   when  it 


HOW    LONG    SHOULD    WE    WORK  ?  45 

was  in  session  (except  in  very  busy  seasons)  and  if 
his  education  is  very  limited,  it  was  caused  more  by 
his  giving  too  much  study  to  the  location  of  the  best 
apple  trees  in  the  neighboring  orchards,  and  in  ascer- 
taining the  penalties  of  every  conceivable  breach  of 
discipline,  than  by  his  work  in  the  fields.  When  he 
visits  his  home  now,  he  finds  the  grass  growing  wild 
or  the  snow  untrodden  on  the  lawn  of  about  every 
third  house  on  the  way.  Where  are  those  who  once 
occupied  them  ?  Gone  to  join  the  chorus  of  voices 
that  demand  more  pay,  and  less  competition. 

I  often  see  the  expression,  "a  fair  day's  pay  for  a 
fair  day's  work."  What,  after  all,  is  a  fair  day's  pay, 
except  what  labor  will  bring,  thrown  fairly  and 
openly  on  the  market  ?  Do  not  cotton,  wool  and 
wheat  each  represent  a  certain  amount  of  labor  ?  and 
is  it  of  any  use  to  demand  more  for  them  than  the 
market  price  ? 

What  is  a  fair  day's  work  ?  Can  it  be  done  in 
eight  hours?  How  can  we  get  at  the  truth  anymore 
fairly  than  to  watch  the  farmer  tilling  his  own  soil, 
the  joiner  building  his  own  house,  or  the  smith  work- 
ing at  his  own  forge  ?  Tell  the  farmer  that  he  can 
sow  as  much  seed  in  eleven  hours  as  in  twelve,  or  get 
as  much  hay  in  thirteen  hours  as  in  fourteen,  and  he 
will  laugh  at  you. 

By  what  right  does  a  robust,  healthy  man  spend  all 
the  hours,  not  needed  for  rest,  from  five  p.  m.  till  eight 
a.  m.  in  idleness  or  worse — if  he  has  a  family  depend- 
ing on  him  — unless  his  pay  is  sufficient  to  provide 
that  family  with  all  the  necessaries  of  life,  and  educate 


46  A    GOOD    EXAMPLE. 

them  to  fill  the  best  positions  attainable  ?  Should  he 
not  rather  offer  two  more  hours  at  half  pay,  if  need  be, 
instead  of  "  pay  and  a  half,"  or  double  pay  which  he 
seldom  gets,  owing  to  interference  with  contracts  ? 
I  have  often  asked  people  who  were  working  for  me 
by  contract,  to  work  overtime.  The  answer  is,  al- 
most invariably,  that  the  men  want  more  pay  ;  and 
our  contract  will  not  admit  of  it  ;  and  though  I 
would  rather  pay  the  difference  than  incur  the  deten- 
tion, it  is  so  hard  to  adjust  that  we  do  not  attempt  it. 

If  competition  and  the  circumstances  of  the  times 
do  not  admit  of  the  laborer  living  as  luxuriously  as 
in  the  past,  is  it  not  as  vain  for  him  to  rebel,  as  it 
would  be  for  me  to  tear  my  hair  because  the  old 
Navigators  only  found  it  necessary  to  circumnavi- 
gate the  globe  once,  in  order  to  enjoy  affluence  dur- 
ing the  remainder  of  their  lives?  Whereas  to  me  it 
means  a  few  hundred  dollars,  and  a  renewal  of  the 
struggle  for  bread,  as  soon  as  the  ship  has  been  dis- 
charged and  loaded. 

Why  does  not  the  hungry  ex-shipmaster,  whose 
ship  has  fallen  a  victim  to  the  coal  barge  fiend — 
instead  of  retiring  to  the  country  to  help  till  his 
father's  or  brother's  farm, — hang  about  the  wharves 
and  rail  at  the  coal  merchant,  who  bought  his  ship  at 
a  fair  bargain  ;  or  threaten  to  destroy  the  honest, 
hard-working  canal  boatman,  who,  with  wife  and 
baby,  figures  as  captain,  mate,  cook  and  crew  of  his 
once  proud  Indiaman  ? 

I  notice  by  cruising  about  the  world,  that  when  la- 
bor is  being  "emancipated  "  in  one  part,  it  is  being 


TWO    SIDES    OF    THE    QUESTION.  47 

oppressed  in  the  same  degree — and  as  a  natural  con- 
sequence—  in  another.  This  interferes  with  the 
"  universal  brotherhood  "  that  agitators  profess  anxi- 
ety for,  but  exactly  tallies  with  the  selfishness  which 
they  practice.  I  have  loaded  sugar  at  a  West  India 
island,  where  the  field  laborer,  with  all  the  members 
of  his  family  of  sufficient  age  to  help,  could  earn  a 
small  fraction  of  a  dollar  per  day,  if  he  could  obtain 
work  ;  where  the  planters  were  finding  this  pittance 
too  much  to  give  them  a  margin  on  which  to  live  ; 
where  the  brokers  were  disconsolate,  and  the  mer- 
chant was  shipping  the  sugar  simply  because  he  could 
not  keep  it  and  meet  his  paper  ;  and  where  the  steve- 
dore's men  victimized  the  ship  by  charging  a  whole 
dollar  per  day — several  times  as  much  as  they  could 
get  ashore — and,  on  arriving  at  an  American  port 
— where  the  meagre  freight  received,  together  with 
the  fares  of  the  ruined  planters  who  came  with  me  as 
passengers,  would  not  nearly  pay  the  ship's  expenses 
— found  the  labor  that  was  refining  the  sugar  most 
desirably  emancipated  :  I  paying  six  dollars  a  day 
to  the  cooper  who  worked  for  the  ship. 

I  have  heard  ship  carpenters,  when  asked  why,  if 
they  were  being  oppressed,  the  builders  were  becom- 
ing bankrupt,  say  that  the  material  ought  to  be 
bought  cheaper.  I  have  since  been  loading  the 
"material  "  at  a  Southern  port,  and  heard  complain- 
ing because  the  merchant  did  not  charge  more  for  it, 
and  pay  his  labor  better.  In  short,  the  argument  of 
the  leaders  is  either  "  We've  got  em,"  or  else  it  re- 
minds me  of  when  I  used  to  wish  that  my  father  kept 


48  COULD    WE    ENDURE    EQUALITY  ? 

"  the  store  "  at  the  cross  roads,  so  that  I  could  have 
unlimited  candy,  without  the  disagreeable  necessity 
of  paying  for  it  the  capital  I  would  have  liked  to  in- 
vest elsewhere. 

In  regard  to  "  Looking  Backward,"  "  An  Experi- 
ment in  Marriage,"  etc.,  I  would  like  to  ask,  if  the 
socialistic  situation  represented  in  them  were  possible, 
would  it  be  tolerable  ?  As  I  understand  it,  what  man 
needs  to  prevent  him  from  becoming  a  brooding, 
hopeless  hypochondriac,  is  diversion  ;  and  what  per- 
manent diversion,  within  reach  of  great  and  small, 
does  this  world  afford,  except  the  struggle  for  ex- 
istence and  precedence  ? 

Ennui  seems  to  be  man's  most  intolerable  enemy  ; 
and  who  could  escape  it,  if  all  our  wants  were  at 
hand  ?  Who  would  care  to  pay  $20,000  for  a  pair  of 
horses,  if  every  Tom  and  Harry  whom  he  met  drove 
the  same  kind  ?  What  would  Tom  and  Harry  care  for 
a  seat  in  the  "  Tantivy,"  if  Bob  and  Bill  could  get 
there  too  ?  I  ask  any  man  who  has  been  promoted 
from  a  rustic  and  unostentatious  dinner  table,  to  dine 
in  the  salons  of  "the  rich  and  powerful,"  if  he  would 
ever  have  taken  the  trouble  to  array  himself  in  the 
paraphernalia  known  to  the  vulgar  minded  as  "long 
togs,"  if  every  Jack  and  Jill  of  his  former  acquaint- 
ance was  to  have  a  seat  at  the  same  table? 

Where  would  the  ladies  "of  high  degree"  find 
the  dear  delights  of  shopping,  if  they  were  de- 
barred the  privilege  of  having  the  shelves  unloaded 
for  inspection  ;  or  if  the  delicate  fabrics  selected 
were  within  the  reach  of  every  rival   beauty  ?     What 


COULD    WE    ENDURE    EQUALITY  ?  49 

pleasure  would  the  mechanic's  wife  or  daughter  have 
in  a  new  and  elegant  gown,  if  the  veriest  dowdy  in 
their  acquaintance  could  wear  the  same  ?  Where 
would  the  bootblack,  or  newsboy,  find  interest  in  life, 
if  he  was  despoiled  of  the  pleasure  of  guarding  jeal- 
ously (with  the  same  pride  that  a  general  feels  in 
maintaining  unbroken  his  "  line  of  battle  ")  the  imagi- 
nary landmarks  which  point  out  the  boundary  of  his 
''beat"  ;  and  trying  to  win,  at  marbles,  the  superflu- 
ous dimes  of  his  unwary  associates  ? 

For  my  own  part,  rather  than  live  with  nothing  to 
struggle  for,  like  one  of  a  herd  of  cattle  in  a  rich 
pasture,  give  me  a  regular  diet  of  bread  and  cheese, 
and  an  opportunity  to  plan,  like  "  Bob  Cratchet,"  for 
a  goose  and  plum  pudding  at  Christmas. 


r  * 


CHAPTER  VIII. 

THE    SOUTHERN    QUESTION. 

And  now  we  come  to  another  great  question,  and 
one  of  so  delicate  a  nature  that  I  tremble  at  thoughts 
of  bringing  it  into  contact  with  a  rude  and  inexperi- 
enced pen  :  viz.  ;  the  present  relation  between  the 
two  great  parts  of  our  country,  so  unfortunately 
severed  by  a  great  and — thank  Heaven — now  obso- 
lete question  ;  which  the  people  of  both  sections  have 
learned  cordially  to  hate.  I  see  that  the  Herald,  in 
discussing  the  unveiling  of  the  Robert  E.  Lee  statue, 
or  monument,  at  Richmond,  Va.,  is  inclined  to  be 
cheerful  about  the  prospect  of  becoming  thoroughly 
reunited,  and  quarrels  with  a  contemporary  for 
making  a  disturbance  about  the  parade  of  Confeder- 
ate Battle  Flags. 

I  am  glad  that,  for  once,  there  is  a  prospect  of  my 
being  able  to  walk  arm  and  arm  with  this  powerful 
organ  ;  but  if  I  accept  it  as  an  ally  in  this  connection, 
I  must  insist  that  it  confines  itself  strictly  to  media- 
tion, and  not  use  harsh  language  to  either  side. 
There  has  been,  as  we  all  know,  too  much  of  this  in 
the  past  fifty  years,  and  as  long  as  it  is  indulged  in, 
thebitter  feeling  will  continue  to  exist.  Hydra  headed 
monsters  are  to  be  conquered  by  vigorous  stamping  ; 
but  this  is  a  most  deplorable  wound,  to  be  soothed 
into  healing  by  the   application  of  cooling  lotions, 


GOOD    EFFECT    OF    ASSOCIATION.  5 1 

and  charmed  by  the  delicate  touch  of  the  experienced 
nurse. 

Lord  Macaulay  gives  to  the  world  a  political  char- 
acter known  as  a  "  Trimmer  "  ;  whose  business  it 
seems  to  have  been  to  take  an  intermediate  position 
between  two  conflicting  factions,  and  struggle  to 
bring  about  amity,  by  suppressing,  as  much  as  pos- 
sible, the  bitterness  of  each.  Although  there  seems 
to  hat'e  been  a  certain  degree  of  opprobrium  attached 
to  it,  at  the  somewhat  rude  and  factious  period  of 
which  he  wrote,  it  is  the  kind  of  patriot  which — at 
a  time  when  peace  is  most  desirable — as  it  is  now — 
there  being  no  possible  "  cause  "  existing  at  present, 
which  should  make  a  shadow  of  a  rupture — I  most 
admire.  I  subscribe  heartily  to  the  motto,  "  in  war 
a  tiger,  in  peace  a" — well  not  exactly  a  "lamb" — 
but,  let  us  say,  "  sheep";  who  can  stamp  her  foot 
vigorously,  by  way  of  intimidation. 

I  have  been  pleased,  during  the  last  few  years,  to 
see  that  where  men  from  both  sections  meet,  the 
bitterness  dies  in  the  same  ratio  that  their  intimacy 
increases.  In  the  army,  where  they  are  together  all 
of  the  time,  and  where  sectional  admiration  seems  to 
have  deserted  its  members — like  Tarn  O'Shanter's 
weird  pursuers — at  the  (not  "  Keystone  of  the  brig," 
but)  centre  of  the  Hudson,  between  Garrison's  and 
West  Point,  it  appears  to  have  disappeared  entirely  ; 
and  he  from  South  Carolina  or  Alabama  seems  to  be 
perfectly  indifferent  to  the  question  of  whether  his 
bosom  friend  hails  from  Maine  or  Texas. 

In  business  it  appears  to  be  very  much  the  same; 


52  LADIES    AND    EDITORS    THE    WARRIORS. 

and  if  the  cool  schemer  from  Maine  gets  slightly 
''jumped  on  "  by  the  hot  blood  of  Georgia,  he  may 
whisper  to  a  brother  "  Maineiac  "  that  it  is  a  latent 
flicker  from  the  nearly  quenched  fire  of  '6i,  but  retires 
without  adding  oil  to  the  flame,  thereby  paving  the 
way  to  a  more  amicable  future  relation. 

I  think  that  the  principal  ones  who,  at  present, 
treasure  the  embers,  and  now  and  then  fan  them  into 
a  flame,  are  those  who,  "  perforce,"  stay  at  home, 
viz.:  the  Editors,  and — must  I  say  it?  the  ladies. 
Though  I  enjoy  an  occasional  tilt  at  the  former, — 
far  be  it  from  me,  who  have  basked  too  little  in  the 
bright  and  glorious  sunshine  that  ever  illuminates 
their  presence — to  array  myself  in  horrid  mail,  for  a 
passage  at  arms  with  the  latter  ;  but  as  I  know  that 
they  have  a  peculiar  and  inscrutable  regard  for  their 
physicians — who  ever  stand  ready  to  mutilate  them, 
or  to  administer  to  them  their  most  revolting 
draughts  on  the  merest  shadow  of  a  pretext — I  shall 
venture  to  risk  a  mild  dose  of  admonition,  which  I 
sincerely  hope  they  will  absorb  in  a  like  gentle  man- 
ner. 

1  notice  that  when  I  win  a  gentleman  friend  in  a 
Southern  State,  he  is  as  staunch  as  a  rock  ;  and  never 
shows  the  least  symptom  that  he  considers  me  an 
amusing  foreigner. 

On  the  other  hand,  if  the  friend  chances  to  be  a 
lady — and  I  use  what  little  influence  1  can  bring  to 
bear  on  the  matter  to  bring  about  this  most  desirable 
of  all  situations — I  notice  that  if  she  docs  not  treat 
me  as  a  congressman's  wife  would  the  Envoy  Extra- 


TRADITIONAL    INEQUALITY.  53 

ordinary  from  Arabia  or  Japan,  she  keeps  up  a  most 
desperate  struggle  to  impress  on  my  mind,  that  the 
case  is  purely  exceptional  ;  and  that  she  does  not  for 
an  instant  swerve  from  the  deeply  grounded  theory 
that  the  rank  and  file  of  my  fellow  Northerners  are 
most  hopeless  Barbarians. 

It  seems  strange  to  me  that  those  who  surrendered 
at  Appomatox — after  holding  out  against  a  combi- 
nation of  hard  fighting,  famine  and  hopeless  outlook 
for  success  to  an  extent,  probably,  unprecedented  in 
history — and  those  who  found  it  so  much  trouble  to 
bring  about  that  consummation — did  not  tell  their 
wives  and  daughters,  on  arriving  home,  that  it  had 
long  been  conceded — at  the  front — that  for  a  man  to 
be  clothed  in  either  blue  or  grey  was  no  proof  that 
he  could  not  fight ;  but  left  them — like  Jim  Stack- 
pole  in  '6i — under  the  impression  that  one  man,  all 
circumstances  being  equal,  can  vanquish  several 
others,  through  whose  veins  courses  the  same  quality 
of  blood  as  his  own. 

I  notice  that  when  a  Northern  man  settles  in  a 
Southern  State,  he  appears  to  be  on  excellent  terms 
with  his  neighbors  ;  but  I  have  met  a  few  Northern 
ladies  in  a  like  situation,  who  appear  to  be  as  ready 
to  pour  forth  the  flame  of  war,  as  were  the  cannon  of 
Spottsylvania  and  Gettysburg. 

I  have  stood  on  a  street  corner  in  Atlanta,  Ga.,  hat 
in  hand,  and  with  head  bowed  in  reverence  to  the 
solemnity  of  the  hour,  watching  the  progress  of  the 
sad  procession  that  followed  to  their  final — but  far 
too  early — resting  place,  the  remains  of  that  promis- 


54  A    DEAD  "  CAUSE. 

ing  young  patriot  Henry  W.  Grady  ;  and — having 
unfortunately  not  learned  of  his  existence  until  he 
was  dead,  and  seeing  a  gentlemen  standing  near 
whose  countenance  plainly  reflected  the  sad  truth 
that  this  was  no  every  day  loss — ventured  to  ask,  in 
a  suppressed  voice,  a  few  questions  about  the  de- 
ceased. The  gentleman  referred  to  answered  them  in 
the  same  modulated  tone,  ending  with  the  words  "  he 
was  the  greatest  "  or  "one  of  the  greatest,  orators  in 
the  South."  This  appeared  to  be  entirely  sufficient 
for  the  conveyance  of  his  meaning  to  me,  and  gave 
me  exactly  the  right  idea,  viz.:  that  he  was  a  South- 
ern orator,  and  a  great  one  ;  and  probably  devoted 
his  eloquence  to  the  welfare  of  that  section. 

But  the  reverent  and  mournful  silence  that  per- 
vaded, was  insufficient  to  deter  a  pretty  young  Miss, 
who  stood  next  to  us — who  was  an  unconscious  in- 
habitant of  the  great  "  heretofore  "  ten  years  after  all 
just  cause  of  quarrel  had  ceased  to  exist,  and  should 
only  have  been  taught  to  rejoice  at  her  good  fortune 
in  having  the  prospect  of  spending  a  lifetime  in  a 
re-united  country,  which  must,  if  it  remains  so,  be,  in 
the  near  future,  the  greatest  Power  on  earth — from 
adding  the  irrelevant  words,  "or  the  North  either." 

To  those  who  lost  their  natural  protectors  in  the 
contest,  we  must  be  as  lenient  as  possible  in  our  judg- 
ment ;  but  to  keep  up  a  quarrel  about  a  ki  cause  "  that 
died  twenty-five  years  ago— and  for  which  our  sixty 
millions  will,  to-day,  not  produce  a  genuine  mourncr 
— on  sectional  grounds  alone,  is  far  more  injudicious, 
and  quite  as  senseless,  as  to  be  always  ready  to  flare 


SHALL    WE    FINISH    THEIR    WORK  ?  55 

up  at  our  venerable  ancestor  Mr.  Bull,  because  the 
fact  that  George  the  Third  was  a  crank  and  his  min- 
isters oppressors,  necessitated  our  fighting  at  Bunker 
Hill,  Bennington  and  Yorktown,  upward  of  a  cent- 
ury ago. 

About  the  above-mentioned  irreparable  loss  to  the 
State  of  Georgia — the  South — and  the  (to  be)  United 
States,  I,  as  confessed  above,  knew  nothing  until  after 
his  death  ;  but  I  have  been  informed  that  he  made  it 
a  point  to  apply  his  eloquence  to — and  that  his  in- 
fluence was  beginning  to  be  felt  in — the  work  of 
healing  this  much  to  be  deplored  wound,  dealt  to  our 
country  by  the  hot-headed  and  misguided  politicians 
of  a  former  generation  ;  and  that  he  had  adopted  the 
wise  plan  of  invading  the  enemy's  territory  for  the 
purpose.  If  this  is  true,  and  souls  can,  as  we  hope, 
recognize  one  another  in  Paradise,  what  a  happy 
meeting  there  must  have  been  between  him  and  the 
great  surgeon  whose  sad  lot  it  was  to  be  forced  to  use 
the  knife,  and  then  fall,  by  the  base  hand  of  a  cow- 
ardly assassin,  before  he  had  the  opportunity — for 
which  his  gentle  nature  was  so  much  better  fitted — of 
applying  the  lotions  and  balms  to  the  wound,  which  a 
seemingly  perverse  fate  had  decreed  should  be  opened 
and  purged  of  gangrene,  by  his  pitying — but  firm — 
hand. 

I  have  had  no  authentic  account  of  Mr.  Grady's 
reception  in  Boston  ;  but  from  what  I  have  learned 
of  the  man,  and  what  I  know  of  the  warm  hearts 
which  beat  beneath  the  chaste,  learned  and  Puritani- 
cal   shell,    in    which    the    denizens    of    that    modern 


56  THE    OLD    SOLDIER'S    DELIGHT. 

Athens  are  wont  to  hide  much  of  their  sterling  excel- 
lence, I  do  not  doubt  but  that  the  appearance,  in  their 
very  midst,  of  the  eloquent,  warm-hearted  Rebel 
"of  the  class  of  '89,"  dispersed  more  prejudice  than 
can  be  reinstated  by  the  cackling  of  partisan  jour- 
nals, for  years  to  come. 

Truly,  the  ways  of  Providence  are  inscrutable  ! 
Why  such  men  as  he  and  Mr.  Lincoln  should  be  re- 
moved when  they  have  but  just  commenced  the  work 
for  which  they  appear  to  have  been  born,  I  leave  to 
abler  pens  than  mine  to  declare  ;  but  if  it  is — as  seems 
to  be  apparent — the  plan  of  the  All  wise  Creator,  to 
force  us  each  to  rely  on  ourselves,  to  escape  from 
the  ill  consequences  of  the  mistakes  of  our  fathers, 
let  us  all  take  hold,  and  finish,  as  quickly  as  possible, 
the  work  which  these  stout-hearted  men  so  gallantly 
commenced,  and  the  completion  of  which  will  place 
us  in  a  position  to  be  envied  by  all  who  inhabit  our 
planet.  But  for  fear  I  shall  wax  eloquent  on  a  theme 
for  which  the  reader  may  think  my  profession  but  ill 
fits  me,  I  will  abruptly  return  to  the  battle  flags. 

Next  to  his  dear  ones  at  home — I  think — the  re- 
tired soldier  loves  the  few  yards  of  inanimate  silk  or 
hunting  for  the  preservation  of  which  he  has 
waded  through  gore  and  carnage,  faced  the  metallic 
hail  of  deployed  battalions  and  batteries,  exposed 
his  breast  to  the  deadly  thrust  of  pike  and  bayonet, 
and  repelled  the   charge   of  the  snorting  war   horse. 

Let  us,  then,  who  were  fortunate  enough  to  fight  for 
the  genuine  Fourth  of  July  article,  not  quarrel  with 
veterans  who  are  soon  to  pass  away,  (and  who,  in  the 


A    GOOD    EXAMPLE.  57 

character  of  fallible  human  beings,  fought  for  a  flag 
that  they  honestly  thought  the  emblem  of  liberty, 
and  have  since  acknowledged  it  a  mistake)  because, 
like  that  lovable  and  most  delightful  old  man, 
"  Uncle  Toby,"  they  like  to — now  and  then — remind 
themselves  of  "the  dear  delights  of  Horrid  War." 
For  my  part,  I  hope  that  they  (the  flags)  will  soon 
wear  out  ;  or  that  some  time  when  I  am  on  a  long 
voyage  (I  am  a  man  of  peace  and  don't  like  to  fight), 
we  will  get  into  some  little  disturbance  with  dark- 
browed  Russians  or  Turks,  which  will  result  in  the 
Vets,  of  both  sections  being  in  a  position  to  parade, 
breast  to  breast,  under  a  mutual  one  of  the  right 
color,  and  bearing  the  full  constellation  ;  leaving  the 
objectionable  one  to  return  to  that  oblivion  from 
which — but  for  the  injudicious  disobedience  of  our 
earliest  ancestor — resulting  in  the  malediction,  "  the 
sins  of  the  fathers,"  etc.,  it  would  never  have  sprung. 
I  have  been  pleased  to  see  that  trophies  of  the  sad 
struggle  have  no  place  among  those  of  other  wars 
on  the  grounds  of  our  Military  Academy  at  West 
Point  ;  and  I  hope  that  the  local-  governments, 
brotherhoods  and  private  individuals  of  both  sec- 
tions, will  strive  hard  to  emulate  this  proof  of  good 
taste  on  the  part  of  the  General  Government,  and 
learn  to  suppress  everything  which  may  remind  new 
generations  of  the  unfortunate  event. 


CHAPTER    IX. 

THE    RACE    QUESTION. 

And  now,  having  all  this  time  been  amusing  my- 
self with  the  easy  portion  of  the  subject  in  hand,  I 
timidly  approach  the  vital  point — the  Race  question. 
"  There's  the  respect  that  makes  calamity,"  etc. 
What  can  we  do  with  "  The  Niggero  "  ?  I,  for  one, 
had  much  rather  hoe  corn,  than  attempt  the  solution 
of  this  vast  problem.  In  the  first  place,  owing  to  the 
events  of  six  thousand  years,  "the  sins  of  the 
fathers'  "  mentioned  above — and  we  of  the  North  may 
take  our  share  of  this,  having  figured  as  "  Early 
Navigators  " — we  have  got  him,  and  must  keep  him. 
Let  us,  then,  of  the  North,  thank  heaven  that  we  are, 
to  a  certain  extent,  out  of  it,  and  refrain  from  keep- 
ing up  a  "  hue  and  cry  "  that  will  make  the  situation 
worse,  both  for  him  and  our  Southern  brother.  He 
does  not  need  to  be  reminded  of  the  change  in  his 
lot  since  the  days  of  bondage.  He  knows  it  far  too 
well  ;  and  assumes  an  air  of  saucy  independence  un- 
known to  those  in  his  rank  of  life — leaving  color  out  of 
the  question — in  any  other  country  or  quarter  of  ours. 

Now  the  question  arises,  what  is  his  rank  of 
life  ?  It  is  hard  to  answer  ;  but  one  thing  is  certain  : 
we  of  the  North,  who  stay  at  home,  know  nothing 
about  it.  And  we  who  go  South,  unless  we  employ 
him  in  some  other  manner  than  to  wait  on  us  at  a 
hotel  table,  know  but  little  more. 


LENIENT    EMPLOYERS.  59 

If  we  accept  his  degree  of  interest  in  bettering  his 
condition  as  a  criterion,  I  am  afraid  that  his  rank  in 
the  South,  where  he  lives  "en  masse,"  is  very  low  in- 
deed. I  pronounce  him  a  man  who,  though  living  in 
a  hovel,  with  a  family  in  rags,  feels  no  interest  in  his 
work  beyond  what  is  necessary  to  satisfy  the  crav- 
ings of  hunger  and  thirst.  When  he  is  not  in  press- 
ing need  of  money  for  immediate  use  for  this  pur- 
pose, he  will  leave  his  work  on  the  slightest  pretext, 
and  show  an  indifference  to  the  inconvenience  caused 
his  employer  in  consequence,  that  I  have  never  seen 
in  any  other  laborer,  of  any  color,  in  our  own  country, 
or  any  other. 

The  laborer  elsewhere  either  works  until  the  con- 
tract is  finished,  or  leaves  it  for  some  stated  reason  ; 
and  even  when  it  is  on  account  of  a  quarrel  with  his 
employer,  shows  symptoms  of  uneasiness,  and  seems 
disappointed  ;  but  the  Southern  negro  slouches  off 
with  the  most  profound  indifference  to  all  interests 
involved,  including  his  own.  The  result  of  this  ap- 
pears to  be  that  the  white  man  who  employs  him, 
instead  of, — as  many  of  us  seem  to  imagine,  perse- 
cuting him  in  every  conceivable  manner  short  of  the 
lash  of  the  days  of  bondage,  shows  more  patience,  in 
the  face  of  disrespect,  than  I  have  seen  displayed  by 
employers  of  labor  in  any  other  quarter  of  the  globe. 

I  have  to  confess  here,  that  there  is  one  phase  (and 
doubtless  the  principal  one)  of  negro  life  that  I  know 
nothing  of,  from  personal  observation,  viz.,  their  life 
on  the  plantations  in  the  interior.  But  as  far  as  I 
could  see  when  I  have  travelled  a  few  hundred  miles 


60  INJUDICIOUS   INTERFERENCE. 

inland,  they  have  the  same — as  Miss  Ophelia  very 
justly  remarked  —  "shiftless"  appearance.  Doubt- 
less they  are  more  faithful  there,  than  in  the  cities, 
as  the  laborer  is  in  any  locality  ;  owing,  probably,  to 
being  forced  to  depend  on  one  employer  to  a  great 
extent. 

I  wish  to  say  here,  that  I  do  not  include  in  this 
estimation,  the  good  old  "  Uncles  "  and  "  Mammies  " 
so  dear  to  every  one  both  North  and  South  ;  and  who 
I  hope  will  always  exist,  but  am  afraid  are  diminish- 
ing in  number  under  the  present  state  of  things,  and 
in  consequence  of  the  inclination  of  "Young  Amer- 
ica "  (of  any  color),  to  be  wiser  than  their  fathers.  If 
any  knowledge  of  this  ever  gets  to  one  of  their  dear 
old  woolly  heads,  I  hope  that  some  one  will  explain 
to  them  that  my  plan  is  not  to  attack  their  race,  but 
to  defend  them  in  some  way  which  will  not  result  in 
disaster. 

And  now  comes  the  question  of  improving  his  con- 
dition. Can  it  be  done  by  creating  ill  feeling  be- 
tween him  and  those  with  whom  he  comes  in  daily 
contact  ?  And  is  this  not  what  we  are  doing  when 
we  express  indignation  about  every  collision  between 
them  that  results  in  damage  to  him,  and  this  with- 
out knowing  very  much  about  the  circumstances  ? 
Of  course  we  read  all  about  it  ;  but  if  there  is  one 
thing  more  than  another  that  I  have  been  trying  to 
show,  it  is  that  all  that  appears  in  daily  journals  is 
not  "  Revelation."' 

I  ask  the  Northern  philanthropist — at  the  risk 
of  startling  him  somewhat — (I  mean,  of  course,   he 


EFFECT    OX    BOTH    RACES.  6l 

who  vigorously  defends  the  negro  without  know- 
ing very  much  about  the  matter  in  hand)  if  he  is 
quite  sure  that  he  does  not  contribute  more  than  his 
full  share  to  the  deplorable  race  antipathy  "  in  the 
South."  To  explain  :  We  hear  of  a  murder  in  a 
Western  or  Northern  State,  where  all  are  white.  We 
feel  the  usual  horror,  lay  it  to  some  hardened  or  in- 
sane wretch,  and  there's  an  end.  We  hear  of  one  in 
a  Southern  State  ;  if  the  murderer  is  white — the 
victim  black,  "  Shameful  !  "  "  Race  prejudice  of 
course!"  "  Golden  Gate!"  If  vice  versa,  "Sad," 
"Driven  to  it,"  "result  of  ill  treatment!"  "Ret- 
ribution !  "     "  Hades  !  " 

The  negro  learns  of  this  judgment  and  swaggers  ; 
the  white  man  learns  of  it  and  is  justly  indignant. 
Why  should  he  not  be  allowed  such  a  luxury  as  the 
inevitable  murderer  and  victim — as  well  as  he  of  the 
West  or  North — without  being  suspected  of  compli- 
city ?  Is  not  the  result  of  this  inevitable  ?  Can  we 
expect  anything  better  from  the  negro  than  an  in- 
crease, either  of  his  inclination  to  murder,  or  the 
provocation  which  results  in  his  own  murder  ?  Can 
we  expect  the  white  "  rough  "  to  show  any  change  ex- 
cept an  increase  of  careless  indifference  and  a  ten- 
dency toward  having — to  use  a  vulgar  expression — 
"  the  game  with  the  name,"  or,  to  use  another,  being 
"as  well  hung  for  a  sheep  as  a  lamb  "  ?  Are  we  not 
expecting  too  much  of  those  who  represent  the  law 
to  ask  them  to  deal  too  harshly  the  penalties  for 
crime  committed  under  circumstances  of  extreme 
provocation  and  injurious  outside  interference  ? 


62  DISOBEDIENCE    HEREDITARY. 

I  do  not  wish  to  asphyxiate  the  reader  (if  I  should 
git  one)  under  a  perfect  "  cloudburst  "  of  questions  ; 
but  having  warned  him  before,  and  having  confessed 
which  member  of  my  father's  collection  I  am,  I  must 
ask  him  to  "  brace  up  sharp  "  while  I  ask  a  very  few 
more  on  this  most  vital  subject.  I  must  reiterate  here, 
what  I  have  hinted  at  before  ;  mankind  seems  to  have 
been  bombarded  with  opinions — usually  urged  with 
overbearing  pertinacity — often  with  insulting  inso- 
lence— until  they  have  become  almost  invulnerable 
to  their  shock.  Can  we  walk  down  town  without 
hearing  their  discordant  notes  issuing  from  the  gar- 
rulous throat  of  the  street  corner  effigy  ?  Can  we 
sleep,  after  retiring  to  our  steamboat  stateroom,  in 
consequence  of  their  constant  ebb  from  the  voluble 
lips  of  the  nocturnal,  rest  ignoring  politician?  Why, 
then,  may  it  not  be  restful,  and  perhaps  beneficial,  to 
resort  to  questions  ;  which  may — who  knows — result 
in  each  securing  a  revised  and  improved  edition  of  his 
own  ? 

But  I  am  digressing  ;  I  promised  some  more  ques- 
tions on  the  great  subject.  Who,  among  us,  is  ex- 
empt from  the  perversity  which  induced  our  respected 
but  highly  human  ancestor  (I  am  going  to  be  polite 
now,  and  leave  the  ladies  out  of  it)  to  climb  that 
particular  tree  which  he  had  been  especially  ordered 
to  avoid.  Unless  the  Beautiful  Garden,  from  which 
he  was  so  summarily  ejected,  was  more  sparsely  pro- 
vided with  fruit  trees  than  I  have  been  taught  to  sup- 
pose, it  must  have  been  the  Creator's  intention  to 
bring   about  the  sin,    and  consequent  "thorns   and 


AN    ILLUSTRATION.  6$ 

thistles  ;  "  as  he — father  A. — would,  probably,  not 
have  found  this  one  tree,  in  the  natural  course  of 
events.  Is  it  not  possible  that  we  of  the  North  have 
been  unconsciously,  and  by  the  same  process,  instru- 
mental in  preserving  a  state  of  things  which  we  de- 
plore ? 

We  have  seen  a  State  adopt  a  combination  of  anew 
and  very  old  method  of  capital  punishment.  New,  in 
that  the  principal  agency  employed  is  a  newly  utilized 
fluid,  and  old,  in  that  it  puts  the  act  and — under  cer- 
tain limits — the  time  of  the  execution  (I  use  this  term, 
begging  the  Herald's  pardon,  because  I  have  never 
heard  the  old  process  termed  "  ropecution  "),  in  the 
hands  of  the  gaoler.  The  latter  may  be  necessary,  in 
order  to  have  the  atmospheric  conditions  right  (I 
knew  that  the  "  Yankee  in  King  Arthur's  Court "  was 
forced  to  wait,  but  supposed  it  was  because  it  was  be- 
fore the  days  of  the  dynamo)  ;  but  the  former  strikes 
me  as  being  Mediaeval,  and  decidedly  barbarous. 
(New  York  must  forgive  me  for  this  candor.  I 
learned  in  one  of  her  journals — the  one  that  caused 
this  public  affliction — how  free  our  press  is.  When 
I  name  a  senator,  and  then  publicly  proclaim  him  an 
"ignoramus  " — without  a  saving  clause — I  shall  feai 
that  I  have  approached  a  limit.) 

Now,  suppose  this  course  had  been  noisily  urged 
on  the  perpetrators  by,  say,  the  State  of  Texas 
Would  not  Kemmler  have  suffered  by  the  old-estab- 
lished process,  at  the  appointed  time  (giving  him  a 
chance  to  do  his  spiritual  "  packing  up  "  unknown  to 
us  who  obey  the  law)  unknown   to  me,  and  left  me 


64  GOOD    PROSPECT    OF    IMPROVEMENT. 

to  bestow  my  commiseration  on  those  more  worthy  of 
it? 

To  complete  this  rather  long  illustration  —  did 
not  the  race  collisions  in  the  South  commence  at 
a  period  when  no  one  who  has  read  history  could  ex- 
pect anything  else  ?  At  a  time  when  the  popula- 
tion were  galled  by  the  contemplation  of  devastated 
homes,  and  a  defeat  which  they  then  thought  humili- 
ating, but  have  since  learned  to  look  upon  as  inevit- 
able ?  When  the  ignorance  of  the  "  poor  white" — 
that  offshoot  of  the  cursed  system  that  had  but  just 
been  subverted,  and  which  may  now  be  classed  with  the 
obsolete — was  sufficient  to  cause  him  to  blame  the 
helpless  black,  who,  owing  to  the  sudden  change  in 
his  situation — and  his  simplicity — would  supply  the 
provocation  ? 

And  did  we  not  commence  to  clamor  for  the  ad- 
ministration of  retributive  justice  before  the  worn 
and  nearly  famished  Southerner  had  been  allowed 
time  to  remove  his  tattered  grey  coat,  stack  his 
battered  musket,  and  build  himself  a  gallows?  Have 
we  not  kept  it  up  ever  since,  putting  him  in  a  posi- 
tion to  lose  the  credit  and  incur  the  opprobrium 
of  having  been  driven — when  he  should  commence 
the  work  ?  Would  not  the  latent  spark  of  Adamism 
lurking  within  him  tend  toward  urging  him  to  wait 
until  he  was  let  alone  ? 

What  are  our  chances  of  having  the  negro  im- 
proved, if  we  cease  this  interference  ?  He  is  em- 
phatically the  laborer  of  the  South. 

Having  been,  up  to  a  comparatively  recent  date, 


THE   NEGRO    AS   AN   OFFICE   HOLDER.  65 

driven  as  a  brute,  he  is,  out  of  harness,  as  unmanage- 
able as  his  consort  in  Southern  labor,  the  mule. 
What  can  change  this  except  elevation  ?  Every  in- 
telligent man  in  the  South  knows  that  his  success  in 
life  depends,  to  a  great  extent,  on  the  quality  of  his 
labor.  It  is,  therefore — leaving  humanity  out  of  the 
question — vitally  to  his  interest  to  improve  the 
negro  all  that  he  can.  Can  we,  then,  in  the  face  of 
this  reasoning,  do  better  than  to  leave  him  to  solve 
the  problem  alone,  and  abstain  from  an  interference 
that  can  but  result  in  disaster  to  both  races  ? 

And  now  we  come  to  the  consideration  of  his  part 
in  government.  The  nature  of  our  government 
makes  it  imperative  that  he  be  allowed  to  vote  ;  even 
if  he  knows  no  more  for  what  to  vote  than  the  mule 
he  drives  ;  but  I  do  not  understand  that  it  is  neces- 
sary to  give  him  public  offices,  until  he  gets  suffi- 
ciently improved — collectively — to  be  able  to  do 
justice  to  them.  I  must  insist,  here,  that  those  who 
only  see  an  occasional  one  in  the  North,  with  per- 
haps a  gold  headed  cane  and  a  silk  hat,  know  noth- 
ing of  him  as  he  lives  in  the  South. 

There  are  not  so  many  public  offices  to  dispose  of, 
that  we  need,  in  order  to  be  impartial,  search  dili- 
gently— in  a  town  filled  with  intelligent  white  men — 
for  a  negro  of  sufficient  intelligence  for  the  incum- 
bency. (If  any  of  the  writer's  family,  or  relatives, 
ever  succeeded  in  getting  one,  the  record  is  lost.) 

I  was  once  doing  business  in  a  Southern  custom 
house,  with  a  collector  who  was  about  leaving  office, 
and  saw,  strutting  up  and  down  the  office  in  the  most 


66  CAN    WE    ALL    HAVE    OFFICE? 

absurd  manner,  a  sleek  looking,  highly  polished  and 
probably  educated  negro.  I  supposed,  at  first,  that 
he  was  waiting  to  do  business,  or  was  some  gentle- 
man's valet  waiting  his  return.  I  learned,  however, 
that  this  was  the  new  incumbent. 

I  do  not  doubt  but  that  this  man  was  intelligent 
enough  to  do  a  collector's  work,  though  I  cannot 
conceive  where  he  was  found,  not  having  seen  an- 
other in  the  town  whom  I  would  venture  to  ask  to 
write  his  name — but  I  am  sure  he  was  not  fit  for  the 
position.  He  was  a  perfect  mass  of  pride  and  con- 
ceit, and  it  never  seemed  to  occur  to  him  that  he  was 
there  for  any  other  purpose  than  to  be  looked  at  and 
envied.  I  am  certain  that  any  white  man,  unless  he 
was  a  veteran,  would  have  shown  some  anxiety  to 
learn  how  the  business  was  done  ;  but  this  sable 
"  dude  "  never  heeded  us  once,  except  an  occasional 
glance — evidently  in  search  of  admiration. 

The  people  of  that  town  appeared  to  be  unanimous 
in  wishing  to  have  appointed  to  that  office,  a  respect- 
able merchant,  a  Northerner,  by  the  way,  and — as 
though  they  thoroughly  understood  the  "  Victor  and 
Spoil  "  theory — a  member  of  the  party  in  power. 

Now — after  stating  here  emphatically — what  I 
hinted  at  parenthetically  above — that,  though  a  scion 
of  an  Indian-hunting  family,  who  has  seen  the  an- 
cient "  Queen's  arm  "  firelock  with  which  my  pioneer 
ancestor  was  wont  to  cover  his  flanks  when  en  route 
to  church,  I  have  never  seen  a  relative  an  incumbent 
of  a  U.  S.  public  office  ;  and  am  not  expecting  one 
myself,  (unless,  indeed,  "  Electrocution  "  failing,  the 


OUR    SHARE    OF    THE    WORK.  67 

Government  should  adopt  a  system  of  "  Keel  Hauio- 
cution  "  and  need  me  for  sheriff,  or,  bless  the  mark, 
warden,  with  power  to  name  the  day  of  doom — with 
the  alternative  of  substituting  a  "  Malmsey  Butt  "  in 
case  the  above  named  ceremony  does  not  produce 
the  desired  effect) — I  wish  to  ask  again  if — in  the 
face  of  the  fact,  which  I  believe,  that,  if  the  public 
offices  of  any  Southern  town,  which  are  in  demand, 
were  equally  distributed  among  the  men  of  a  suffi- 
cient degree  of  intelligence  to  fill  them,  there  would 
fall  to  the  lot  of  the  ill-used  negro  a  very  small 
fraction  of  one, — it  is  best  to  risk  increasing  the  ex- 
isting evil,  by  contributing  to  the  conceit,  and  conse- 
quently to  the  exasperating  impudence  of  the  one 
race,  and  firing  the  indignation,  trampling  on  the 
natural — well  call  it  prejudice  if  you  will,  and,  doubt- 
less, robbing  of  their  just  share  of  the  public  spoil, 
the  other,  on  whom  we  must,  perforce,  as  shown 
above,  depend  for  the   further  emancipation  desired. 

It  may  be  urged  that  my  exhortation  is  one-sided, 
and  that  I  ought  to  prescribe  more  forbearance  on 
the  part  of  the  South.  But  self-denial  is  more  ap- 
propriately taught  from  the  pulpit  ;  and  I  hope  that 
the  reader  will  forgive  me  for  confining  myself  mostly 
to  advantages  to  be  gained  by  self-interest  "taken  at 
the  flood  "  and,  if  not,  I  must  plead  that — they  having 
the  work  to  perform — we,  as  our  just  share,  should 
provide  the  forbearance. 

Though  I  dare  scarcely  hope  that  this  crude  effort 
will  produce  any  material  good,  and,  owing  to -my 
way  of  life,  do  not  know  but  that  volumes  may  pre- 


68  OUR    SHARE    OF    THE    WORK. 

viously  have  been  written  in  the  same  strain — and 
with  far  greater  force  and  discretion,  I  can  only 
quote,  with  a  slight  variation,  the  words  of  Kentucky's 
greatest  son  :  "If  I  can  be  instrumental  in  eradicating 
o?ie  of  the  very  smallest  of  her  curses  from  the  honor 
of  my  country,  I'll  not  exchange  the  proud  satisfac- 
tion for  that  of  the  greatest  of  conquerors." 


CHAPTER  X. 

POLITICS. 

And  now  we  come  to  politics.  After  delving  for 
days  among  advertisements,  consulting  the  almanac 
to  learn  why  the  glorious  Harvest  Moon — which  so 
staunchly  supports  the  Northern  husbandman — treats 
so  shabbily  the  lonely  navigator  among  the  ice  floes 
of  South  Shetland,  rising  nearly  two  hours  later  each 
successive  night,  and,  when  on  the  meridian,  taking 
the  merest  peep  at  him  from  the  northern  horizon,  to 
hurry  back  to  join  in  the  glorious  fun  of  corn  husk 
ing  and  apple  paring — brushing  the  dust  from  \ne 
neglected  Bible — and  finding  very  little  in  it  congen- 
ial with  the  manners  and  customs  of  the  19th  cen- 
tury ;  and  searching  diligently  and  vainly,  among  my 
dogs-eared  collection,  for  some  volume  which  had 
hitherto  escaped  perusal,  1  was  forced  back  to  the 
Herald  politics. 

The  writer  commenced  life  as  a  politician  ;  at  least 
he  remembers  that  very  early,  while  yet  in  pina- 
fores, he  attended  a  "  flag  raiding,"  and,  after  the 
ceremony  had  been  performed  by  his  two  elder 
brothers,  flung  high  his — sun  bonnet  beneath  the 
waving  folds  of  the  dilapidated  table-cloth,  attached 
to  the  end  of  a  fence-rail,  which  served  as  a  flag,  and 
hurrahed  lustily  for  "  Fremont  and  Bacon."  (Not 
having  yet  found  the  latter  name  among  the  public 
men  of  that  epoch,  he  has  since  decided  that  it  was 
probably  "  Dayton.") 


70  FROM    A    POLITICIAN    TO    A    SOLDIER. 

He  witnessed  the  birth  of  the  Republican  party, 
upheld  every  plank  of  the  new  "  Platform,"  and 
gave  steady  support  to  the  glorious  ex-Rail-Splitter 
who  issued  from  the  "  Wigwam  "  as  the  Champion 
of  Freedom. 

The  decline  of  his  political  career  commenced 
with  the  boom  of  the  cannon  in  Charleston  Harbor  ; 
or  rather  the  consequent  throe  that  quivered  through 
the  wires  and  hearts  of  a  Continent.  From  this  time 
until  he  became  a  sailor,  he  was  all  soldier.  Manu- 
facturing for  himself  a  wooden  gun,  he  attended 
patriotic  musters  of  his  schoolfellows,  stoutly  main- 
tained that,  in  the  event  of  the  war  lasting  until  he 
was  of  sufficient  age,  he  should  fight  against  seces- 
sion, and  privately  hoped  that  the  refractory  States 
would  all  be  in  the  Federal  fold,  long  before  the 
time  should  arrive  for  him  to  redeem  his  pledge. 

With  the  exception  of  a  lively  interest  in  our  two 
great  soldier  Presidents,  and  a  sigh  for  the  apostasy 
of  his  old  monitor  Horace  Greeley,  he  has  known  but 
little  of  public  affairs,  since  the  surrender  at  Appo- 
matox. 

Of  the  Presidents  who  have  been  taken  from  the 
chicken  farms,  the  New  York  law  offices  and  (save  the 
mark),  from  beneath  their  grandfather's  hats,  he 
knew  nothing  until  they  were  in  the  field  as  candi- 
dates ;  and  has  never  been  at  home  to  vote  for  one. 

Having  been  at  home  on  a  visit  during  the  last  cam- 
paign, and  having  seen  his  old  party  enthusiastic  for 
a  candidate  whose  name  he  associated  with  the  his- 
tory of  his  country — to  say  nothing  of  his   having — 


OCTOGENARIAN    REFORM.  7 1 

in  the  character  of  a  somewhat  crusty  bachelor — be- 
come weary  of  the  endless  humming  of  the  romantic 
hive,  resulting  from  the  great  White  House  wedding 
— he  ventured,  when — on  the  eighteenth  of  January 
following  the  election — he  was  informed  by  a  rusty 
looking  pilot  who  boarded  his  vessel  between  the 
headlands  of  a  gigantic  harbor  in  the  "  South  Pacific," 
that  "  a  man  named  Harrison  "  was  President, — to  ex- 
press some  degree  of  satisfaction. 

But  since  reading  of  the  reckless  work  being  done  in 
the  Halls  of  Congress  by  the  dominant  party,  of  their 
wasting  the  finances  of  the  country  on  soldiers  for 
whom  we  have  no  further  use — they  being,  probably, 
for  the  most  part,  old,  lame  and  infirm — their  mon- 
strous legislation  on  the  tariff — for  the  benefit  of  the 
"  few  "  whom  he  would  like  to  hear  named,  merchants, 
farmers,  brewers,  manufacturers  and  the  rank  and  file 
of  American  labor  all  figuring  as  victims — and  the 
(to  him)  dark,  deep  and  mysterious  manner  in  which 
they  are  marching  around  the  cauldron  which  is 
probably  to  produce  a  spectre  to  pronounce  the  fate 
of  silver,  he  is  ready,  on  the  slightest  provocation, 
to  apologize  for  having  expressed  that  satisfaction, 
with  a  degree  of  humility  worthy  of  Uriah  Heep. 

If  any  Republican  thinks  me  too  chicken-hearted 
to  be  worthy  of  the  Great  Pioneer  who  first  led  the 
party  to  victory,  let  him  reserve  his  verdict  until  he 
has  been  for  eight  months  entirely  severed  from  other 
members  of  his  party,  and  then  taken  up  the  Herald 
of  July  6,  1890,  and  learned  that  the  venerable  Sol 
At-tequin  of  Cape  Cod,  through  whose  veins  courses 


72  EXCHANGE    OF    COMPLIMENTS. 

the  blood  of  three  of  the  five  grand  divisions  of  hu- 
manity— Caucasian,  African  and  aboriginal  Ameri- 
can— only  needing  a  dash  of  Mongolian  to  fit  him  out 
as  the  best  authority  in  the  United  States — after  pol- 
luting the  last  thirty  of  his  eighty  years  by  tottering 
through  what  he — in  his  report  to  the  Herald — terms 
"  that  corruption,"  which,  as  he  affirms,  he  "can't 
stand  " — having  been  "  a  thinkin'  "  of  it  before,  re- 
canted the  first  time  he  landed  a  fish  for  a  Demo- 
cratic ex-President  ;  who  pronounced  him  "  a  most  in- 
telligent man,"  and,  according  to  that  journal,  seems 
to  have  received  a  like  favorable  judgment  in  return.* 
This  penitent  descendant  of  the  Incas  and  the 
kings  of  Ethiopia  appears  to  have  become  inured  to  the 
vicious  manipulation  of  the  tariff,  but  what  he  found 
particularly  revolting  to  his  sensitive  soul  was  what 
he  terms  (and  can  probably  define  if  provoked)  "  the 
jobbery  "  !     (Oh  !  that  he  had  explained  that  dread- 

■•  "  You  would  not  have  supposed  he  was  eighty  as  he  sat  there 
*  *  *  with  the  Indian  nose  and  high  cheek  bones  to  protest 
against  the  white  and  African  blood  in  his  veins.  *  *  *  'A 
most  intelligent  man,'  was  the  ex-President's  estimate  of  Mr.  At- 
tequin.  And  Mr.  Attequin  was  quite  as  flattering  to  Mr.  Cleve- 
land. At  the  last  election  the  Mashpee  Indians  went  solidly  Re- 
publican. They  are  less  unanimous  now.  Mr.  Attequin  and  sev- 
eral others  have  gone  over  to  the  Democrats.  '  Couldn't  stand 
that  corruption,'  is  the  reason  that  Solomon  gave  me  for  his 
conversion.  He  didn't  care  so  much  about  tariffs,  but  the  job- 
bery had  disgusted  him.  '  Been  a  Democrat  long?'  said  I. 
'  No,  no.  I'd  been  a  thinkin'  of  it  for  some  time,  but  I've  only 
changed  since  I've  known  Mr.  Cleveland  ! '  " — N.  Y.  Herald,  July 
6,  1890. 


UNFORTUNATE    HEROES.  73 

ful  term  that  I  might  now  learn  on  what  terrible  rock 
we  are  liable  to  ground  next.) 

Would  not  the  great  ex-flatboatman  himself,  if  on 
earth,  forgive  an  humble  follower  for  trembling  at 
such  a  shock  as  this  ? 

My  only  hope  in  regard  to  pensions  is  that  the  sol- 
diers, and  not  the  politicians — as  seems  to  be  the  cus- 
tom in  the  more  local  governments  that  come  under 
the  Herald's  sweeping  reform — get  the  money  ;  and 
that  at  least  some  of  it  will  fall  to  the  lot  of  honest, 
generous  men,  who  gave  their  services,  and  sacrificed 
their  limbs  and  health  to  their  country  at  the  time  of 
her  greatest  need. 

My  grief  in  this  connection  is  from  the  fact  that — 
owing  to  the  unfortunate  circumstances  of  the  case — 
governments  making  no  pretension  to  philanthropic 
feeling — but  only  to  gratitude  and  reward  for  services 
performed — none  of  it  can  go  to  the  noble  fellows 
who  fought  as  hard  for  a  cause  which  they  as  hon- 
estly thought  to  be  right — but  which  was  soon  after 
condemned  by  the  most  of  their  leaders,  and  subse- 
quently by  the  most  obscure  Spanish  colonies — and 
who  are  struggling  throughout  the  great  South,  with 
the  aid  of  crutches  and  against  impaired  health,  to 
gain  a  precarious  livelihood. 

To  expect  the  government  against  which  they 
fought,  to  assist  them,  would  be  both  futile  and  un- 
reasonable ;  but  let  me  exhort  every  private  philan- 
thropist to  remember,  before  condemning  them  as  ex- 
rebels  and  unworthy  of  assistance — that  every  civilized 
nation   pays  a  chief  justice   and  bench  of  associate 


74  LEGISLATION    A    DIFFICULT    TRADE. 

judges,  whose  principal  business  it  is,  probably,  to 
repair  the  political  errors  of  the  greatest  and  most 
patriotic  senators. 

About  the  tariff,  there  is  comfort  in  the  fact  that 
those  same  vicious  lawmakers  could  not  possibly 
have  invaded  Congress,  unassisted  by  the  great  mass 
of  victims  mentioned  above  ;  and,  though  I  myself 
have  an  occasional  tilt  at  a  windmill  by  countenan- 
cing protection — knowing,  as  I  do,  that  "  free  trade  " 
would  result  in  a  "pic-nic"  for  Jack — causing  the 
Stars  and  Stripes  to  float  from  something  besides 
coal-hulks  and  the  peaks  of  our  future  navy — I  can- 
not easily  believe  that  they  are  so  Quixotic  as  to  elect 
them  for  the  sole  pleasure  of  existing  on  the  ashes 
and  desolation  of  misgovernment.  The  fact  that  the 
member  from  Nevada  wants  silver  to  flourish,  that 
the  "  Maineiac  "  strives  to  support  the  sinking  ships, 
and  that  he  from  the  Green  Mountains  faintly  asks 
for  the  subsidy  to  extend  to  maple  sugar,  seems  to 
indicate  that  there  is  yet  extant  a  sufficient  amount 
of  selfishness  to  avert  this. 

That  there  is  some  misguided  legislation,  I,  who 
have  seen  Act  after  Act,  which  were  intended  to  benefit 
ships  and  sailors,  pour  money  into  the  pockets  of  the 
boarding  master — whom  they  fondly  hoped  to  sup- 
press— cannot  doubt.  But  let  us  take  courage  from 
the  fact  that,  though  history  fails  to  furnish  record 
of  a  band  of  legislators  who  could  foresee  all  of  the 
consequences  of  their  acts,  the  science  has,  taken  all 
around,  steadily  improved  since  the  dark  ages,  and, 
let  us  hope,  will  continue  to  do  so. 


CHAPTER  XI. 


POLITICS    CONTINUED. 


To  one  who  thinks  he  remembers  to  have  seen  the 
word  "  HERALD  "  mentioned  in  its  own  columns,  in 
connection  with  some  of  its  own  feats  of  cleansing 
the  "Augean  Stables,"  or  slaying  some  vicious  mon- 
ster in  true  Herculean  style,  it  is  refreshing  to  see, 
on  the  editorial  page  of  the  issue  of  May  29,  1890, 
the  heading  "  the  Republicans  indulge  in  a  little  self- 
praise." 

To  see  this  little  weakness  designated  u  indulgence" 
by  one  who  is  under  suspicion  of  having  succumbed 
to  a  like  temptation,  gives  one  hope  of  the  immacu- 
late condition  of  mankind  which  some  enthusiastic 
millenarians  think  will  result  from  our  becoming  able 
to  see,  and  ultimately  avoid,  all  of  our  faults. 

Is  this  not  a  good  opportunity  for  mutual  forgive- 
ness ? 

If  it  comes  to  each  waiting  for  the  other  to  bestow 
the  desired  panegyric,  I,  who  am,  perhaps,  not  in  a 
good  position  to  judge — having  only  heard  from  one 
side — earnestly  entreat  them  not  to  entertain  the  idea 
for  a  moment,  but  to  keep  right  along  in  the  path 
already  chosen,  and  enjoy  as  much  as  possible  the 
deteriorated  article. 

Following  this  on  June  18,  1890,  appears  what  Dick 
Swiveller  would  term  "  an  inscrutable  and  unmiti- 
gated staggerer,"  entitled  "our  Republican   friend., 


76         DISADVANTAGE    OF    MODERN  "  REFORMERS." 

in  a  quandary."  In  this  wonderful  specimen  of  lit- 
erature, the  self-denying  man  who  consented  to  shake 
hands  with,  and  to  try  to  conciliate  sixty  or  sixty- 
five  millions  of  people,  is  likened  to  Jack  Cade  be- 
cause he  promised  a  millennium  in  the  sale  of  bread.* 

I  was  not  at  home  long  enough  to  hear  of  this  rash 
promise,  but  sailed  for  the  above-mentioned  anti- 
podal destination  under  the  impression  that  this  per- 
nicious— I  mean  romancer — had  undertaken,  in  the 
event  of  his  election  to  the  august  Treadmill,  to  see 
to  it  that  it  was  baked  in  American  ovens  ;  and  leave 
the  price  to  be  governed  by  American  wages. 

The  perpetrator  of  the  article  under  consideration 
appears  to  be  in  no  fear  of  the  original  Jack's  power 
ever  descending  to  any  of  our  belabored  Chief  Mag- 
istrates, or  he  would  fear  being  sentenced  to  "  be 
hanged  with  his  ink-horn  around  his  neck," — not  for 
being  literary,  as  of  old — but  for  rendering  insane 
any  who  try  to  fathom  what  the  Herald  wishes  to 
bring  about. 

I    have    become    inured    to   dismal    groans    about 

*  "  No  man  ever  went  into  the  presidency  with  longer  promises 
than  the  present  incumbent.  lie  was  to  conduct  the  country 
cross  lots  to  prosperity  *  *  *  after  the  manner  of  that  model 
reformer,  Mr.  Jack  Cade,  seven  half-penny  loaves  were  to  be  sold 
for  a  penny.  *  *  *  These  promises  have  unfortunately  not 
yet  been  paid,  but  perhaps  Mr.  Harrison's  plan  was  to  make  them 
during  the  first  term,  and  keep  them  during  the  second.  *  *  * 
The  Republican  party  has  good  reason  to  bite  its  thumb.  *  *  * 
It  has  a  severe  attack  of  dyspepsia  just  now,  caused  by  a  surfeit 
of  the  McKinley  bill.  *  *  *  Not  to  pass  it  is  to  admit  a  want 
of  faith  in  its  own  policy." — .V.   V.  Herald,  June  17,  1890. 


LACK    OF    "CONTINUOUS    PRAISE.  77 

increased  Tariff,  but  here  we  have  the  great  organ 
which  has  the  welfare  of  the  American  people  at 
heart,  taunting  the  tariff  leaders  with  being  only- 
half-hearted,  and  urging  them  to,  like  Macbeth — 
being  deep  in  blood — wade  to  the  end. 

The  greatest  agony  appears  to  be  caused  by  its 
" Republican  Contemporaries"  not  keeping  up  "con- 
tinuous praise  of  the  Administration."  Is  it  not  pos- 
sible that  republican  newspapers  are  "not  built  that 
way  "  ?  And  as  to  the  question  of  "  whether  their 
conscientious  scruples,  or  their  plain  common  sense  " 
is  to  blame,  let  us  charitably  lay  it  to  the  latter,  as  we 
can  accept  it  as  a  much  needed  rest,  after  four  years 
of  as  "  continuous  praise  "  as  any  heart  could  wish. 

If  the  Herald  became  so  used  to  it  during  that 
time  that  it  cannot  comfortably  exist  without  it,  let 
it  remember  that  the  republican  incumbents  had  the 
disadvantage  of  having  been  married  in  private  life, 
and  that  during  the  previous  twenty-four  years  that 
they  held  the  power,  their  journals  got  sufficiently 
accustomed  to  the  honor,  to  enable  them  to  carry  it 
off  without  verbiage  and  bombast. 

In  regard  to  the  "  second  term  "  referred  to — and 
which  the  author  of  the  article  thinks  necessary  to 
reduce  the  price  of  the  "seven  loaves"  to  a  penny — 
is  it  not  possible  that  the  present  "first  lady  in  the 
land  "  would  far  rather  give  up  her  position  at  the 
end  of  the  first,  and  give  what  may  then  be  remain- 
ing of  her  weather-beaten  husband — with  whom  she 
has  probably  lived  long  enough  to  feel  solicitude  for 
his  health — an  opportunity  to  save  his  life — like  the 


78  GRIEF    FOR    MISLED    VOTERS. 

sad  remnant  of  humanity  worn  to  a  shadow  by  the 
"perpetual  motion  "  known  as  the  "  Potter  Commit- 
tee " — (and  whose  experience  should  have  taught  the 
present  victim  to  appreciate  the  charms  of  private 
life) — by  retiring  to  the  mountains  (or,  if  his  crime  is 
sufficiently  heinous — to  Canada)  to  feed  chickens,  or, 
indeed,  to  tame  kicking  mules  ;  even  though  the 
"  Monster  thing  "  which  he  fondly  hoped  to  please, 
should  be  forced  in  consequence,  to  "  eschew  "  bread 
(and  "  sack  ")  altogether,  and  "  pick  a  sallet  to  cool 
its  stomach." 

And  now  we  will  leave  the  two  Cades,  to  consider 
the  modern  "  Paradise  Lost."  I  cannot  imagine  who 
are  the  voters  who  were  so  badly  hoodwinked  about 
the  prospect  of  re-entering  the  blissful  realms  forfeited 
by  our  unwary  ancestor.  I  can  scarcely  believe  that 
the  Herald  is  sufficiently  cosmopolitan  to  cause  it  to 
squander  its  "  sympathetic  brine  "  for  those  who  have 
been  imported  since  '84,  and  those  who  have  since 
been  born,  may  be  supposed  not  to  have  cast  an  in- 
judicious ballot.  As  to  the  rest,  if  their  memories 
are  not  sufficiently  retentive  to  hold,  for  the  short 
period  of  four  years,  the  merits  of  a  Republican 
Eden,  I  should  not  spare  them  a  sigh  ;  but  let  the 
present  terrible  experience  teach  them  to,  in  future, 
keep  a  journal  for  reference. 

If  they  do  not  like  "protection,"  they  should  have 
read  the  inscriptions  on  the  banners  which  they  bore 
"  to  the  breach,"  during  the  contest. 

I  am  reminded  of  a  quotation  that  I  used  in  '84, 
and  it  may  not  be  irrelevant  to  mention  it  here. 


PRESIDENTS    NOT    MAGICIANS.  79 

When  a  cablegram  arrived  at  Hong  Kong,  an- 
nouncing the  election  news,  or  result,  I  paid  my  bets, 
drew  a  long  breath,  whistled,  and  gave  breath  to  the 
following  :  "Now,  boys,  '  I'd  like  to  see  it, 'says  Billy 
Barlow."  I  will  not  attempt  to  trace  accurately  the 
cause  of  this  outburst  ;  but  I  am  fully  confident  that 
it  was  the  result  of  over  twenty  years  of  listening  to 
talk  of and  reading  of a  conditional  millen- 
nium ;  and  that  that  same  cablegram  supplied  the 
conditions. 

There  may  be  some  passages  in  this  that  are  a  little 
harsh  ;  but  I  believe — what  the  Herald  often  pro- 
fesses to — that  "  fair  play  is  a  jewel."  And  I  ask 
my  democratic  friends — and  they  are  legion — both 
North  and  South — both  East  and  far  West — to  be- 
lieve that  this  is  being  written  by  one  who  has  left  a 
republican  mass  meeting  in  disgust,  because  he 
thought  the  above  mentioned  gem  in  jeopardy  ;  also 
that  the  case  was  nearly  parallel  ;  personal  abuse  of 
the  man  we  had  taken  the  trouble  to  elect  President 
— who,  as  far  as  I  can  learn,  honestly  carried  out  the 
policy  that  he  undertook,  and  had  made  no  preten- 
sion to  magic,  by  which  he  would  put  everyone  "in 
clover  "  by  the  simple  act  of  saying  "  range,  change  " 
— being  the  cause  of  exit.  Dogs  who  bark  at  travel- 
lers on  the  highway,  for  no  apparent  reason  except 
because  they  are  in  sight,  put  me  out  of  temper. 

In  the  issue  of  April  30,  1890,  there  is  an  article 
headed  "  A  meeting  of  importers,"  that  tempts  us  to 
ask  the  reader  to  forgive  us  for  making  ourselves 
temporarily  plural,  until  we  make  known  what  we  think, 


8o  CAN    THEY    SUIT    EVERYBODY? 

We  think  that  the  Herald  should  not  run  too  much 
risk  of  splitting  its  sides  until  there   has  been  added 

a th    amendment    to   the  Constitution,  which   will 

enable  each  American  citizen  to  elect  a  special  Presi- 
dent and  Congress  of  his  own. 

As  long  as  two  men  have  to  submit  to  the  same 
administration,  we  fear  that  one  or  both  of  them  will, 
now  and  then,  expose  themselves  to  the  risk  of  that 
journal's  cachinnations. 

If  we  have  given  due  attention  to  historical  debates 
of  Congress  and  Parliament  which  we  have  read,  we 
are  in  a  position  to  urge  that  a  measure  has  rarely 
been  adopted  by  one  of  these  bodies,  every  item  of 
which  was  entirely  to  the  satisfaction,  even  of  all  of 
the  members  who  voted  for  it  ;  why,  then,  should  it 
be  taken  for  granted  that,  because  republican  names 
are  to  be  found  among  the  protestants  against  a  re- 
publican measure,  they  are  prepared  to  wear  sack- 
cloth because  they  did  their  duty  as  citizens  by 
helping  to  elect  a  Government  ;  and  the  one,  prob- 
ably— in  the  absence  of  evidence  to  the  contrary — 
that  they  still  think  will  promote  the  most  good,  and 
avert  the  most  harm  ? 

We  are  afraid  that  the  Herald's  proximity  to  what 
it  itself  shows  to  be  the  great  centre  of  Boodleism, 
has  so  far  warped  its  judgment,  as  to  cause  it  to  sup- 
pose that  every  man  is  ready  to  subvert  his  whole 
political  theory,  whenever  it  threatens  to  remove  a 
coin  from  his  pocket,  and  to  embrace  another,  when- 
ever it  holds  forth  a  prospect  of  putting  one  into  that 
receptacle. 


SIMILES.  8 1 

We  have  heard  of  people  being  rendered  temporar- 
ily homeless  by  their  fires  igniting  their  houses  ;  of 
their  horses  running  away  and  causing  them  much 
inconvenience  and  long  accounts  from  their  surgeons  ; 
but  we  have  never  heard  of  their  having,  in  conse- 
quence, eaten  raw  food,  bearded  Jack  Frost,  or 
travelled  on  foot  the  rest  of  their  lives. 

As  this  simile  may  be  condemned  as  not  exactly 
parallel,  we  would  suggest  that  the  former  victim 
would  not  always  risk  replacing  his  fires  with  the 
pipes  of  the  "  Steam  Heating  Co." — which,  as  the 
Herald  justly  argues,  might  create  a  miniature  ^Etna 
beneath  his  hearthstone — or  the  latter  consent  to  re- 
place his  vicious  or  timid  brute  by  voting  for  an  "  L  " 
road  through  his  own  street  ;  lest  he  be  forever  de- 
prived of  sunlight  and  sleep,  in  consequence. 

For  our  part,we  hope  that  the  member  from  Vermont 
will  not  be  driven  into  apostasy  by  any  cloud  that 
may  appear  in  the  horizon  of  maple  sugar,  or  he  from 
Connecticut  because  of  a  deficiency  in  protective 
legislation  for  "wooden  nutmegs." 

We  will  now  strive  to  suppress  our  indignation, 
restore  our  ruffled  plumes,  wipe  our  heated  and  per- 
spiring brow,  suppress,  as  far  as  may  be,  the  flowery 
language  of  Editcrhood,  subvert  our  plural  person- 
ality in  which  we  took  momentary  refuge,  re-adopt 
the  more  modest  singular  to  which  we  are  better  ac- 
customed, and  take  a  passing  glance  at  the  uncon- 
scious and  apparently  innocent  characters,  our  natural 
repulsion  to  which  was — as  related  near  the  com- 
mencement— one  of  the  primary  causes  which  resulted 


S2  DEPOSITION. 

in  our  unadvised  journey  in  the  path  of  reading  which 
has  led  us  to  appear  before  the  public  in  our  present 
semi-demented  condition  ;  viz.,  figures. 


CHAPTER  XII. 


POLITICS     CONTINUED. 


I  am  concerned  about  the  Herald's  chronic  fit  of 
:'the  blues  "  about  the  Public  Finances.  The  every- 
day figures  do  not  fret  me  much,  unless,  indeed,  we 
have  to  pay  the  item  for  the  support  of  the  German 
Army  *  ;  which  is  not  probable,  before  we  get  the 
worst  side  of  some  "  Samoan  question,"  which  may 
result  in  our  "paying  tribute." 

Even  the  weekly  figures  are  not  serious,  amount- 
ing— with  those  for  which  the  Prodigal  Sons  of  Con- 
gress are  yet  in  search  of  a  method  of  squandering — 
to  some  four  hundred  millions  ;  or  what  I,  in  the  ab- 
sence of  returns  from  the  new  census,  will  estimate 
at  seven  dollars  to  each  person.  On  a  pinch,  we 
could  allow  the  revenues  to  accumulate  for  a  year, 
and  pay  this  privately.  We  who  habitually  live  up 
to  our  incomes,  could  take  in  washing  for  a  while. 

There  are  some  monthly  or  quarterly  figures,  how- 
ever, that  are  to  an  alarming  extent  serious.  I  have 
only  seen  them  once  in  my  collection,  therefore  I 
think  they  must  be  quarterly. 

I  had  been  on  deck  all  night,  looking  after  the  in- 

*  In  1888  we  paid  in  pensions  $80,288,508.77.  In  1889  we  paid 
$87,624,779.11.  The  cost  of  the  German  Army,  it  may  be  inter- 
esting to  note,  is  for  this  year  estimated  at$9i,726,293.  Besides 
our  pensions  our  army  costs  $30,000,000." — Herald.  (Inserted 
daily.) 


84  FARMERS    AND    BARLEY. 

terests  of  the  Boston  Marine  Insurance  Co.,  the  night 
before  I  got  to  them  ;  and  consequently  fell  asleep 
in  season  to  avoid  incurring  a  serious  risk  to  my 
reason,  in  trying  to  comprehend  them. 

I  have  lost  the  paper,  so  cannot  refresh  my  mem- 
ory before  treating  of  them.  I  cannot  imagine  where 
it  can  be,  unless  the  steward,  thinking  that  a  news- 
paper all  covered  with  figures  would  not  be  interest- 
ing reading  matter,  used  it  to  kindle  the  cabin  fire. 

I  don't  think  that  the  descendants  of  those  who 
fought  in  the  French  and  Indian  war,  were  to  come 
in  for  any  of  the  "Boodle,"  and  cannot  remember  of 
any  allusion  to  the  Crusades,  or  the  Battles  of 
Jephtha  ;  but  would  like  to  see  it  again  before  com- 
mitting myself. 

I  have  a  vague  idea  that  these  figures  reminded  me 
of  when,  as  an  aspirant  to  the  secrets  of  Navigation, 
I  used  to  pore  over  the  calculations  of  Sir  John  Her- 
schel  ;  but  possibly  it  may  have  been  my  earlier  re- 
searches in  Notation  and  Numeration,  or  indeed,  my 
more  recent  delving  in  tables  of  logarithms.  But  I 
must  abstain  from  attempting  an  exhaustive  treatise 
on  finance,  until  I  have  again  visited  my  home,  and 
begged  my  mother  to  explain  to  me  the  nature  of  the 
u  Sinking  Fund." 

It  seems  hard  for  the  farmers  to  have  to  put  on 
another  mortgage,  because  the.ir  kind  of  barley  does 
not  give  to  beer  its  most  aromatic  flavor. 

If  I  might  judge  by  my  experience  in  searching 
the  Metropolis,  without  chart  or  pilot,  for  other  kind 
of  shops,  I   should   think    this  a  serious  drawback  to 


BREWERS    VICTIMIZED.  85 

agriculture  ;  but  the  same  experience  seems  to  sug- 
gest that  if  American  rye  is  up  to  the  Canadian 
standard,  there  is  yet  a  chance  to  employ  the  acres 
that  are  at  present  devoted  to  the  former  cereal. 

As  for  the  brewers,  I  think  they  might  venture  to 
add  another  cent  or  two  per  gallon.  The  down-town 
''schooner  "  might,  in  future,  be  built  with  a  trifle 
less  beam,  or  less  one  or  two  timbers,  somewhere 
amidships,  where  it  will  not  interfere  with  the  sym- 
metry of  the  structure  ;  and  those  who  sell  the 
up-town  slender  glass,  would  scarcely  notice  the 
change. 

If  this  cannot  be  accomplished,  in  the  face  of  the 
reduction  in  the  hours  of  labor,  and  increase  of  those 
for  recreation  (?)  brought  about  by  the  recent  "  vic- 
tories" (?)  might  I  suggest — Brewers  being  pro- 
verbially rich,  and  ready  to  dower  their  daughters  in  a 
manner  to  tempt  those  of  the  Purple  Robe — that  he 
retire  with  a  competence  ;  and  try  the  experiment  of 
letting  the  McKinley  price  of  beer  place  the  metro- 
politan wage-earner  in  a  position  to  meet  the  mal- 
administration of  the  Executive,  in  the  less  cared  for 
item  of  sustenance — bread. 

The  Herald  bewails  the  uselessne^  of  his  "strike,'' 
if  it  is  to  be  counterbalanced  by  McKinley  prices  ; 
but  I  cannot  help  thinking  that,  like  those  of  the 
worthy  Falstaff,  his  bills  would  be  much  shorter  if 
purged  of  "sack  ;  "  and  that  then  he  could  pay  the 
latter,  and  yet  avoid  jeopardizing  his  livelihood,  by 
resorting  to  the  former. 

I  hope  that  Canadian  fowls  have  not  contracted  a 


86  IS    THIt    INGRATITUDE? 

habit  of  eating  Canadian  barley,  thereby  giving  to 
their  eggs  a  flavor  so  congenial  to  the  Metropolitan 
palate,  that  it  will  lead  to  "  boycotting  "  the  Ameri- 
can article. 

Our  battered  ex-Presidents  must  have  a  market 
for  their  eggs  ;  and  one  who  has  devoted  many  a 
youthful  hour  to  bartering  them  for  tea  and  sugar 
for  a  commission,  the  rate  of  which  depended  entire- 
ly on  the  surplus,  cannot  avoid  a  lively  interest  in 
allowing  "Young  America  "  an  opportunity  to  pur- 
chase a  sufficient  number  of  fish  hooks,  marbles  and 
sticks  of  candy,  to  make  this  globe  seem  to  him 
habitable. 

I  do  not  sympathize  with  the  Herald's  grief  and  in- 
dignation because  the  republicans  buy  votes  of  the 
people  of  color,  and  then  fail  to  reward  them  for  their 
noble  conduct  in  selling  them,  by  giving  them  a  por- 
tion of  the  public  offices.  I  may  be  more  easily  satis- 
fied than  those  same  colored  persons,  but  whenever  I 
have  sold  my  vote,  I  have  given  a  quit  claim  deed 
when  I  received  the  money.  I  cannot  see  how  one 
can  buy  expensive  votes,  without  keeping  something 
himself  to  balance.  It  is  a  common  thing,  in  com- 
merce, for  gratitude  to  exist,  and  I  have  seen  presents 
made  in  acknowledgment  ;  but  I  never  heard  that  it 
is  the  buyer  that  owes  it.  I  have  never  known  a  ship- 
master's wife  to  bestow  a  silk  dress  on  the  man  to 
whom  her  husband  gives  his  patronage  ;  but  I  have 
seen  them  exhibit  trophies  resulting  from  the  oppo- 
site custom,  till  life  was,  for  me,  deprived  of  a  por- 
tion of  its  charms. 


VAGARIES    ABOUT   "SURPLUS."  87 

In  treating  of  Eggs,  I  had  forgotten  that  butter 
shared  with  them  the  Herald's  despair  ;  but  as  the 
new  decision  of  the  Supreme  Court,  bearing  on  "In- 
terstate Commerce,"  will  probably  fully  supply  the 
market  with  oleomargarine,  I  presume  I  may  pass  it 
by  as  a  nominal  grievance. 

I  have  been  trying  for  some  time  to  ascertain 
whether  the  Herald  is  most  indignant  at  the  Repub- 
lican Party's  pandering  to  the  terrible  "  surplus,"  or 
its  other  habit  of  squandering  it.  Thus  far  I  have 
been  unable  to  tip  the  scale  either  way  ;  and  as  the 
wind  is  "  fair  "  just  now,  with  a  fair  prospect  of  its 
remaining  so,  I  think  I  will  be  forced  to  leave  it  an 
open  question  at  present,  and  give  it  another  trial 
some  time  when  I  am  outward  bound,  and  am  not  so 
much  pressed  for  time. 

To  see  the  Pirates  putting  up  the  McKinley  prices, 
and,  "  all  this  in  the  face  of  a  surplus  taxation  of 
nearly  a  hundred  millions,"  of  which,  as  we  learn 
elsewhere,  "  before  two  years  there  won't  be  enough 
left  to  buy  a  '  cocked  hat,'  "  is  confusing  to  the  in- 
experienced financier. 

I  will,  however,  before  passing  on,  express  a  hope 
that,  if  this  surplus  is  a  vicious  monster,  as  seems  ap 
parent  from  the  tone  of  the  article  from  which  the 
former  quotation  is  taken,  it  may  meet  the  fate  pre- 
dicted by  the  latter  ;  but,  on  the  other  hand,  if  it  is  a 
most  desirable  fund  to  have  at  hand,  as  would  appear 
from  the  tone  of  that  from  which  I  have  extracted 
the  latter,  I  can  only  hope  that  the  price  of  the 
"cocked  hat  "  was  estimated  on  the  McKinley  basis, 


88  HOW    DID    IT    COME    ABOUT? 

and  that  we  may,  if  we  manage  to  get  on  without 
making  the  purchase,  hand  a  goodly  portion  of  it 
down  to  posterity. 

I  see  that  "  Sugar  of  Milk,"  which  seems  to  be  a 
principal  article  of  infant  food,  is  among  the  bewailed 
victims  of  the  new  "  Terror."  The  reader  must  for- 
give me  for  passing  this  by.  Just  as  I  dipped  my 
pen  in  the  inkstand,  I  thought  of  a  line  from 
Burns  : 

"  Mind,  wicked  sinner,  wha  ye're  scaithing," 

and  I  desisted.  Although  a  bachelor,  as  before  con- 
fessed, I  know  my  danger,  and  don't  wish  to  class 
American  Mammas  with  my  enemies. 

I  learn  that  Mr.  Cleveland  has  been  sworn  as  a 
member  of  the  Bar  of  the  Supreme  Court,  with  a  view 
to  pleading  before  that  tribunal.  There  is  food  for 
thought  in  this.  Here  is  a  man  who  has  been  for 
four  years  our  chief  magistrate,  and  yet  contemplates 
active  service.  How  are  we  to  account  for  this  robust 
state  of  health,  under  these  circumstances  ? 

If,  as  seems  apparent,  the  clubs  were  not,  during 
his  administration,  plied  with  the  usual  vigor,  ought 
not  republicans,  for  humanity's  sake,  to  desist  from 
rallying  at  the  polls  ?  Why  should  we  wish  to  see 
issue  from  the  White  House,  every  four  years,  a 
human  wreck,  when  it  can  be  avoided  by  simply  stay- 
ing at  home  on  election  day.  We  have  had  a  man 
live  through  a  campaign,  and  retain  sufficient  vigor 
to  subsequently  wield  the  "  Great  Seal  "  ;  but  he  was 
evidently  unusually  strong  in  constitution. 


CHAPTER  XIII. 


POLITICS    CONCLUDED. 


Having  been  made  aware  that  Republican  Secre- 
taries require  the  most  robust  health  to  enable  them 
to  bear  up  under  the  load  of  iniquity  ascribed  to 
them,  I  was  somewhat  startled  at  seeing  the  words 
"What's  the  matter  with  Tracy  or  Blaine,"  with  the 
words  "  yellow  fever,"  which  caught  my  eye  in  the 
column  below. 

I  was  soon  relieved,  however,  by  learning  that  the 
only  apparent  disease  was  in  the  Herald's  jaundiced 
eye,  looking  through  the  film  that  spread  itself  over 
that  optic,  whenever  in  contemplation  of  the  be- 
labored party. 

Under  these  startling  words,  these  officials  are 
accused — (one  or  both)  of  sending  our  sailors  to 
Brazil,  in  quest  of  the  yellow  fever.  I  should  certainly 
not  send  them  there  after  a  cargo  of  ice,  but  if  I 
wished  to  insure  their  immediate  success  in  their 
search  for  the  above-named  disease,  I  should,  at  that 
season,  keep  them  nearer  home  ;  Key  West  would  be 
far  better.  Far  be  it  from  me  to  make  a  display  of  the 
knowledge  of  Geography  which  a  ship-master  may 
easily  possess,  by  taunting  those  who  are  deficient  in 
the  science  ;  but  this  is  the  journal  of  journals  that 
knows  all  about  it,  and  has  the  emblem  engraved  on 
its  Editorial  page.  It  almost  passes  belief  that  the 
chronic  habit  of   what  sailors    call  " growling  "  that 


90  THE    TALLAPOOSA    AS    A    SQUADRON. 

this  great  explorer  has  contracted,  will  not  allow  it  to 
see  that,  as  June  is  the  month  it  would  choose  to 
search  for  the  "Open  Polar  Sea,"  December  is  the 
month  to  start  for  "  Rio  "  in  quest  of  Yellow  Jack  ; 
and  that  if  the  warlike  Tallapoosa  was  not  to  be 
perpetuated  as  the  "  South  Atlantic  Squadron,"  our 
wise  Secretaries  could  not  possibly  select  a  better 
season  for  her  deposition  from  that  dignity,  than  the 
one  chosen. 

Since  writing  the  above,  I  have  read  the  article 
more  carefully  ;  having  before — as  any  one  is  liable 
to  do  when  suddenly  finding  something  that  he  can 
comprehend,  after  much  mystification — jumped  at  the 
conclusion  that  it  contained  but  the  one  grievance  ; 
and  having  for  many  years  been  playing  at  hide  and 
seek  with  the  above-named  malady,  I  saw  my  chance, 
and  took  a  tangent  course. 

I  learn  now  that  the  culprit  may  be  neither  of  the 
above-named  Secretaries,  but  a  third  not  named  in 
title  or  text,  but  the  head  of  what  is  termed  the 
"  Kitchen  Cabinet  Department."*     I  am  glad  that  I 

*  "  What's  the  matter  with  Tracy  or  Blaine  ?  What  in  the  world 
has  induced  the  Navy  Department,  the  State  Department  or  the 
Kitchen  Cabinet  Department  to  send  the  squadron  of  evolution 
to  Brazil?  Is  this  some  of  Mr.   Blaine's  spreadeagleism  or  what  ? 

*  *  *  Why  send  the  squadron  there  and  needlessly  expose  eight 
hundred  officers  and  men  to  yellow  fever  ?  Why  do  we  need  to 
make  a  Naval  show  in  Brazilian  waters  *  *  *  which  might 
cause  England  to  send  over  twice  as  many  ships,  twice  as  large  as 
ours,  when  the  effectiveness  of  our  show  would  be  hugely  dimin- 
ished ?     This  useless     *     *     *     will  cost  the  Navy  Department 

*  *     *     through    the   enormous    prices    of    coal.     *     *     *     It 


IS    IT    A    NEW  "DEPARTMENT      ?  91 

left  a  blank  before  the  words  "  Amendment  of  the 
Constitution,"  in  a  former  chapter,  because  there  is 
but  one  item  of  evidence  that  I  can  bring  to  bear 
on  the  matter,  which  might  indicate  that  this  Depart- 
ment had  existed  very  long  ;  and  if  a  new  one  was 
created,  I  should  think  it  probable  that  the  above- 
named  Instrument  might  need  some  little  change  ; 
or  rather  that  the  former  would  be  impossible,  in  the 
absence  of  the  latter.  I  thought  that  it  was  unsafe, 
after  making  a  long  voyage  (and  not  knowing  too 
much  about  it  before),  to  put  in  the  number. 

The  evidence  referred  to  is  that  if  these  "  Depart- 
ments "  are,  as  seems  probable,  sub-divided  into 
"Divisions,"  the  word  "  Kitchen  "  seems  to  suggest 
that  one  of  the  "  Divisions  "  of  this  (to  me)  new  one, 
may  be  the  "  Corned  Beef  Division,"  the  "  16th 
Comptroller"  of  which,  together  with  Mark  Twain, 
adjusted  the  long  standing  "Contract"  between 
"  John  Wilson  McKenzie,"  and  the  U.  S.  Government ; 
signed  "  On  or  about  the  ioth  of  November,   1863." 

If  this  vague  conjecture  is  right,  the  department  is 
old  ;  and  I  feel  more  ignorant  of  the  affairs  of  my 
country  than  ever. 

1  learn  also  that  one  of  the  principal  causes  of  this 
rather  rude  sounding  outburst  (observe  that  there 
are  no  titles  wasted  in  it),  was  caused  by  the  Heralas 

would  be  far  better  to  keep  the  squadron  in  European  waters 
*  *  *  or,  better  yet,  let  it  come  home  and  let  Admiral 
Walker  demonstrate  to  Congress  and  the  country  how  easy  it 
would  be  for  even  such  ships  as  he  has  to  lay  New  York  under 
ransom  or  blow  it  to  pieces  with  his  guns."— N.  Y.  Herald, 
May,  1890. 


92  A    RIVAL  S   DESPAIR. 

fear  that  Admiral  Walker's  "Man-of-war  Yachts" 
might  get  hopelessly  rubbed  out,  in  point  of  display 
— so  far  from  home — by  John  Bull's  "  twice  as  many 
ships,  twice  as  big  as  ours  "  ;  which  he  might  send 
over,  in  consequence  of  our  vanity.  Now  I  am  a 
little  inclined  to  the  opinion  that  John,  who  knows  as 
well  as  the  He raid  the  price  of  coal  in  that  locality, — 
and  is,  perhaps,  frugally  disposed  as  well,  would  allow 
us  to  flourish  before  our  young  sister  in  peace,  rather 
than  incur  the  expense  of  sending  a  mighty  squadron 
six  thousand  miles,  for  the  sole  purpose  of  letting 
Brazil  know  that  his  armor  is  much  thicker  than 
our  paint.  He  would  possibly  depend  on  the  fact 
having  been  translated  into  the  Portuguese  language, 
and  on  their  having,  in  consequence,  read  it.  Or,  he 
might  write,  and  tell  them  about  it. 

Yet,  having  my  country's  honor  at  heart,  under 
pressure  of  this  shadowy  hypothesis,  I  retract  the 
words  that  seemed  to  imply  the  desirability  of  a 
change  of  force  in  those  waters,  and  admit  that  the 
great  journal  is,  perhaps,  right,  to  leave  unmolested 
the  above  named  majestic  ruin  of  a  former  age  ;  one 
glance  at  which  would  cause  our  Bovine  rival  to  yield 
all  thoughts  of  competition,  and  to  wish  that  the  re- 
sult of  his  last  abortive  attempt  at  naval  construc- 
tion had  been  sunk  at  Camperdown,  and  that  he  had 
not  since  entertained  a  thought  of  laying  a  keel. 

If  there  is  danger  of  the  fleets  of  Europe  uniting 
to  quench  even  her,  perhaps  it  would  be  well  to  order 
her  home,  send  her  overland  to  Chicago  to  take  her 
place  beside  Christopher   Columbus'  fleet,  and  help 


DEMONSTRATION.  93 

make  up  the  Government  "  show  "  at  the  coming 
"World's  Fair." 

But  there  is  one  item  of  complaint  besides  yellow 
Jack,  against  which  I  feel  constrained  to  protest. 
This  is  the  Herald's  attempt  to  dictate  to  the  Gov- 
ernment in  the  question  of  where  to  buy  coal. 

I  understand  that  cabinet  officials  are  our  servants; 
but  who  does  not  allow  his  servant  a  little  discretion  ? 
Do  we  not  often  give  him  money  and  the  basket,  and 
leave  the  rest  to  him  ?  To  insist  on  having  more 
ships,  and  then  name  the  coal-yard  to  be  patronized, 
I  think  rather  heavy  dictation  for  one  of  us  to  in- 
dulge in  ;  or  even  "  190,500  "  of  us. 

I  hope  that,  if  the  Government  takes  the  advice, 
"  let  Admiral  Walker  demonstrate  to  Congress  how 
easy  even  his  ships  could  lay  New  York  under  ran- 
som," the  Admiral  will  use  blank  charges  ;  but  if  it 
is  absolutely  necessary  to  use  one  projectile  to  make 
the  "  demonstration "  complete,  I  could  suggest 
which  part  of  the  town  to  u  range"  the  piece  for,  in 
order  that  a  little  diversion  might  result,  that  would 
give  us  a  temporary  rest  ;  but  I  am  sure  that  the 
Admiral  will  need  no  suggestion.  If  they  of  the 
navy  form  the  same  attachment  to  their  ships,  that  we 
do,  I  would  wager  that  his  best  gunner  would  be  em- 
ployed, and  that  he  would  show  as  lively  an  interest 
in  the  result,  as  any  of  us  would  to  retaliate  on  one 
that  had  kicked  our  favorite  dog,  or  whipped  our  pet 
horse. 

Of  what  Mr.  Blaine's  "  Spread  Eagleism  "  may  be 
composed,  I  can't  even  form  a  conjecture.  I  thought 


94  POLITICAL    RETIREMENT. 

that  we  learned  all  about  him  in  '84  ;  but  suppose  that 
he  has  contracted  some  new  vice  since  ;  that  is,  if  it  is 
a  vice,  and  I  have  recently  learned  of  but  few  virtues 
being  ascribed  to  him. 

Having  touched  lightly  on  the  dreaded  theme,  and 
not  wishing  to  go  into  it  deeper  until  I  get  ashore 
and  learn  whether  or  not  it  is  my  duty  to  commit 
suicide  beeause  my  father  is  a  republican  (I  posi- 
tively believe  that  the  dear  old  "  Governor  "  thinks 
that  the  corn  ears  grow  longer,  the  pumpkins  larger, 
and  that  more  potatoes  are  to  be  found  in  a  "hill," 
when  his  party  is  in  power),  I  will  pass  on  to  discuss 
the  great  terror  of  all  that  that  mighty  sheet  gives  to 
the  world — "  Boodleism." 

I  hope  that  the  reader  will  not  be  startled  at  this 
announcement.  I  assure  him  that  I  am  not  about  to 
dive  into  Aqueducts,  creep  through  Subways,  rail  at 
Steam  Heating  Companies,  sit  on  Milk  Inspectors  and 
Street  Sweepers,  walk  rough-shod  over  Barney  Biglin, 
or  climb  Mr.  Westinghouse's  Electric  Light  poles. 

I  promise  to  keep  as  closely  as  possible  to  the 
''stamping  ground  "  of  my  wise  model  of  the  "  Chan- 
nel  Fleet,"  or  within  the  limits  of  "  Sen  George's 
Channel"  and  "the  Good'in  Sands." 


CHAPTER    XIV. 

THE    SAILOR    "BOARDING-MASTER." 

About  legislative  bribery,  corruption  and  undue 
pressure  by  interested  persons  or  "cliques,"  known, 
if  I  have  got  the  right  idea  from  very  intermittent  and 
mixed  reading,  by  the  general  name  of  "  lobbyism  " — 
and  of  the  application  of  which  the  Herald  never  ap- 
pears to  entertain  a  doubt  whenever  a  measure  is 
passed  by  a  legislative  body,  which  presents  a  shadow 
of  advantage  to  any  special  interest — is  it  not  possi- 
ble that  there  is  far  less  of  it  than  is  generally  sup- 
posed ? 

We  all  have  read  of  the  affair  of  the  chimerical 
"Tennessee  Land,"  but  this  was  given  to  us  by  our 
great  "  funny  man  "  ;  and  if  I  have  learned  to  cor- 
rectly interpret  this  wonderful  "  Wizard  of  the  West," 
it  was  written  more  in  the  spirit  of  side-splitting  fun, 
that  represented  his  modest  and  ruminating  fellow 
traveller  as  patiently  waiting  for  the  song  of  the  mud 
turtle,  than  in  that  of  the  sublime  undercurrent  of 
truth  that  make  his  account  of  Eastern  travels  ap- 
pear, to  me,  the  most  authentic  of  any  that  I  have 
read. 

Doubtless  it  was  intended  to  show  the  working  of 
something  that  exists  to  some  extent ;  but  I  shall  try 
to  show  that  a  clique  may  be  benefitted  by  successive 
Acts,  without  resorting  to  it. 

I  have  to  confess  here  that  I  have  never  been  in 


g6  HOW    TO    KNOW    HIM. 

Washington  (I  visited  my  own  State  capitol  when 
last  at  home,  and  hope  to  get  to  the  American 
"  Mecca  "  before  it  is  too  late). 

I  wish  to  ask  some  one  who  has  been  there  if  he 
has  ever  seen,  hanging  about  the  lobbies,  or  even  in 
the  city  at  all,  the  genuine  sailor  boarding  master  ? 
(If  he  is  ever  there  at  all,  it  can  only  be  for  one  pur- 
pose ;  as  I  believe  that  the  sailors  who  go  there  navi- 
gate waters  too  near  home  to  be  in  a  position  to 
claim  their  share  of  Uncle  Sam's  protecting  wing  ;  in 
consequence  of  which  he  would  find,  in  that  city,  no 
"  paying  rock  "  to  compete  with  the  rich  "  deep  water 
quartz,"  supplied,  under  our  new  laws,  in  ports  with 
a  more  extensive  foreign  commerce.) 

He  may  be  known  by  his  having  one  optic  covered 
by  a  "  slouched  hat,"  and  the  other  fastened  on  whom- 
soever he  meets,  apparently  to  learn  whether  or  not 
there  lurks,  beneath  the  surface,  any  of  the  "  ingredi- 
ents "  which  assist  him  in  his  well-known  process  of 
improvising  sailors  for  an  emergency — and  an  advance 
note. 

In  the  absence  of  an  answer,  I  will  suppose  what 
I  believe  ;  that  he  is  not  to  be  found,  in  the  pure 
state,  at  the  great  centre  of  American  Legislation. 

How,  then,  in  the  face  of  the  apparent  theory  of 
the  Herald,  are  we  to  account  for  the  successive 
measures  in  his  favor  that  have  been  passed  in  the 
last  eighteen  years  ? 

Perhaps  the  least  understood  by  the  average  Amer- 
ican citizen  of  all  that  pertains  to  navigation,  is  the 
rather  complicated  process  by  which  we  are  supplied 


THE    U.   S.   SHIPPING    COMMISSIONER.  97 

with  sailors.  I  notice  that  most  people  appear  to 
think  that  to  change  a  crew  is  an  exception  ;  and  that 
the  usual  thing  is  for  men  to  be  engaged  when  the 
keel  is  laid,  and  for  them  to  leave  (with  the  rats)  when 
the  ship  has  become  unseaworthy. 

When,  however,  they  learn  the  startling  fact  that,  in 
what  we  term  "  deep  water"  ships,  or  those  which  go  in- 
to waters  beyond  the  equator  or  beyond  the  two  great 
Capes,  and  also  in  the  European  trade,  to  make  the 
voyage  is  the  exception,  and  to  leave  the  ship  every 
time  she  touches  a  beach — foreign  or  domestic — is 
the  rule,  they  are  aghast  ;  and  commence  to  look  for 
a  cause. 

As  they  read  now  and  then  of  some  master  or  offi- 
cer being  punished  for  ill-treating  his  men,  they 
think  that  they  have  found  it  ;  but  alas  !  like  an  un- 
skilled detective,  they  have  gone  wide  of  the  mark  by 
looking  too  far  away. 

We  read  of  a  mine  explosion  killing  a  large  num- 
ber of  men,  and  wonder  how  men  dare  to  work  where 
there  is  so  much  danger ;  we  do  not  think  of  the 
many  thousands  who  work  day  after  day,  without 
an  explosion,  because  the  newspapers  do  not  men- 
tion them. 

About  eighteen  years  ago,  in  order  to  prevent 
sailors  being  cheated,  "shanghaied,"  etc.,  the  office  of 
"  U.  S.  Shipping  Commissioner  "  was  created.  It  is  not 
my  purpose,  here,  to  complain  of  individuals  who  fill 
this  office  ;  though — like  man)-  of  my  contemporary 
ship-masters — I  have  been  sadly  victimized  by  some  of 
them  ;  usually,  however,  in  the  small  ports. 


98  "  THE    DEPARTMENT  "    INTERESTED. 

My  object  is  to  show  the  fallacy  of  the  whole  sys- 
tem ;  and  to  show  that  it  is  a  help,  however  uncon- 
sciously to  the  incumbents,  to  the  boarding-master — 
at  the  expense  of  the  sailor  ;  and  cannot  under  the 
supposition  that  I  have  advanced,  be  laid  to  brib- 
ery. 

If  I  go  into  it  more  deeply  than  is  necessary  to 
show  this,  it  is  because  it  appears  to  be  of  official,  if 
not  popular  interest  ;  and  as  there  must,  according  to 
the  Herald's  figures,  be  retrenchment  somewhere, 
perhaps  we  might  commence  by  asking  the  govern- 
ment stationer  not  to  issue  any  more  blank  crew-lists 
at  present,  as  they  become  merely  waste  paper  after 
the  crew  has  deserted. 

Consuls  tell  me  that  "  the  Department "  is  writing 
to  them  to  learn  the  cause  of  so  much  desertion. 
They  may  learn  in  that  way,  but  it  is  not  very  prob- 
able that  the  Consuls  know  ;  and  even  after  I  tell 
them,  they  have  to  depend  on  the  opinion  of  another  ; 
and  even  if  my  opinion  carries  conviction,  they  may 
think  that  perfect  candor,  even  to  such  unpersonal 
things  as  governments,  is  unsafe. 

In  these  days  when  many  would  have  office,  and 
when  postage  or  electricity  is  often  saved  by  the  new 
incumbent  breaking — however  gently — the  news  to 
the  old  one,  one  cannot  be  too  careful  of  the  truth. 
It  is  convenient  to  have  a  little  time  for  packing 
up,  when  we  are  to  leave  an  office,  and  make  a  long 
journey. 

Another  reason  is  that,  even  though  1  do  not  hope 
to  have,  during  my  time,  sufficient  change  to  enable 


TOO    MUCH    A    PIRATE.  99 

me  to  keep  a  crew  for  the  voyage,  and  cease  a  traffic 
in  human  flesh  of  which  I  have  long  been  heartily 
tired,  I  do  not  wish  people  longer  to  be  sure  that  the 
reason  why  new  faces  are  to  be  seen  nearly  all  over 
my  ship  every  time  I  arrive  back  home  from  a  voyage, 
is  because  I  make  it  a  point  to  make  life  not  worth 
the  trouble  of  living,  to  the  outward  crew  ;  keeping 
the  snow-flakes  carefully  swept  from  the  yard-arms 
and  rigging  during  storms — having  the  copper 
sheathing  at  the  water's  edge  brightly  polished  every 
time  that  the  wind  blows — and  lashing  them  in  the 
rigging,  while  I  invent  some  ingenious  scheme  of 
torture  which  would  put  to  the  blush  the  feathered 
warrior  of  the  prairie — in  the  good  old  way  that  we 
read  and  hear,  of  the  days  of  packet  ships  and 
pirates. 


CHAPTER  XV. 

THE    GOVERNMENT    AS    "  JACK'S  "    PROTECTOR.      . 

In  these  days  of  "  Unions,"  the  boarding-master 
has  one  of  his  own.  I  am  not  sure  that  they  give  it 
that  name,  but  it  is  a  combination  that  decides  the 
amount  of  advance  wages  to  be  paid  ;  also,  probably 
— though  I  am  not  certain  of  this — the  rate  of  wages. 

If  the  law  does  not  admit  of  the  full  amount  of 
advance  being  charged  to  the  man — and  it  seldom 
does  in  the  writer's  experience  —  the  ship-master 
knows  who  must  pay  the  balance. 

As  every  man  must  sign  publicly,  before  the  Com- 
missioner, the  terms  are — probably  necessarily — 
made  public  ;  and  any  man  who  ships  on  any  but 
union  terms,  clashes  with  the  union  ;  and  will  inevi- 
tably *' fail  to  join,"  and  another  must  be  shipped  as 
a  substitute. 

This  has  occurred  in  my  experience,  I  having 
shipped  a  crew  at  four  dollars  per  month  above  the 
quoted  wages,  on  condition  that  they  receive  no  ad- 
vance. This  would  have  insured  their  staying  with 
me  for  the  voyage,  because  they  would  have  at  least 
three  months  pay  due  them  on  arriving  at  the  first 
port  ;  they  being  the  kind  of  men — not  boarding  in  a 
"  union  "  house — who  bring  clothes  with  them. 

Now  if  these  men  had  been  shipped  privately,  no 
one  in  the  town  except  themselves,  the  man  who 
found  them  for  me,  and  myself  would  have  known 


ADVANTAGEOUS    BUT    NOT    PLEASANT.  IOI 

on  what  terms  they  shipped  ;  and  as  I  had  been  told 
that  men  who  did  not  board  in  union  houses  would 
not  be  allowed  to  ship  on  any  terms,  no  one  would 
have  known  that  I  had  shipped  any  until  they  were 
on  board  the  ship  and  "  in  the  stream." 

They  would  have  made  a  voyage  of  nearly  a  year, 
and  had  a  good  amount  of  money  to  take  on  their 
arrival  back,  instead  of,  on  arriving  at  the  first  port, 
tramping  into  the  country  to  wait  for  the  ship  to  sail, 
and  then  returning  to  mount  the  block  for  the  next 
sale,  as  did  those  who  were  shipped  for  substitutes  ; 
and  this  nearly  every  sailor  will  do  when  wages  are 
low,  and  nothing  due  him. 

In  order  not  to  figure  as  the  man  who  is  lame  in 
his  pocket,  and  therefore  to  be  suspected  of  color- 
ing this  to  suit  the  state  of  his  mind,  I  will  state, 
here,  that  I  gained  about  eight  hundred  dollars  by 
the  change  forced  on  me.  A  cargo  not  having  been 
ready  for  me,  I  saved  nearly  this  amount  in  wages 
and  food  ;  and  finding  wages  unexpectedly  low  in 
the  foreign  port,  I  got  a  return  crew,  the  aggregate 
wages  of  which  amounted  to  about  the  same  as  I 
actually  paid  to  the  outward  crew  ;  or,  rather,  to 
those  who  sold  them  ;  but  I  was  deprived  of  the 
liberty  over  which  the  American  eagle  was  wont  to 
hover,  and  did  not  like  it.  I  was  inspired  by  the 
spirit  of  our  patriotic  fathers,  and  offered  to  fight  the 
battle  ;  but  failed  to  inspire  the  crew  with  sufficient 
courage — either  moral  or  physical — to  enable  them 
to  perform  the  part  of  walking  on  board  ;  and  they 
were   too  heavy  to   be  taken  in  arms.     Where  were 


102  THE    UNION    AS    EMANCIPATOR. 

the  police  ?  Where  are  they  when  an  honest  man 
wants  to  work,  and  the  union  objects  ? 

To  the  misguided  philanthropist  who  enthusiastic- 
ally cheers  the  '•  great  work  of  emancipation  "  being 
performed  by  the  "  unions,"  it  must  seem  the  very 
irony  of  fate  that  they  (the  unions)  extend  their  all 
potent  protection  to  a  trade  in  human  flesh  as  damn- 
able as  any  that  he  deplores  in  the  wilds  of  Africa. 

As  he  who  would  far  rather  drink  and  loaf,  than 
work,  is  among  the  first  to  join  a  combination  which 
will  equalize  his  chances  of  a  livelihood  with  those  of 
the  industrious,  and  the  honest,  thrifty  workman 
hangs  back  till  he  sees  that  he  must  join  or  lose  his 
chance  of  employment — choosing  rather  to  drag  the 
street  corner  effigy,  as  an  anchor  in  his  wake,  than 
to  starve  his  wife  and  little  ones — so  the  most  hope- 
less specimen  of  sailorhood  is  the  first  to  patronize 
the  union  boarding-house,  and  he  who  would  be  free 
to  make  his  own  contracts,  pay  his  own  bills  and 
support  his  family  like  a  Christian  freeman,  must 
choose  between  giving  up  all  this,  and  clinging  to 
icy  shrouds,  reefing  frozen  canvas,  and  patronizing 
the  life-saving  stations  of  the  U.  S.  coast  through 
the  long  and  stormy  winters  ;  the  advantage  of 
secresy  which  his  trade  would  otherwise  give  him, 
being  brought  to  nought  by  the  publicity  of  his  con- 
tract. 

The  prevailing  element  of  selfishness  that  pervades 
all  unions,  which  suggests  to  them  to  render  dear  all 
of  the  necessaries  of  life  on  which  their  labor  bears, 
whether    it   be   manufactured    goods,    house    rents, 


"jack's  "only  chance.  103 

transported  goods  or  any  others  that  other  trades  must 
share  in  paying  for  without  their  share  in  the  spoil, 
not  only  to  the  extent  of  reduced  time,  wasted  time 
and  increased  wages  (not  to  mention  the  expense  of 
supporting  the  union)  but  in  extra  demands  of  timid 
capital  as  insurance*  against  probable  destruction  of 
property  and  delay  from  strikes — will  probably  per- 
petuate them  till  humanity  has  become  purged  of 
this  sin  ;  but  if  Congress  should  restore  this  one  ele- 
ment of  secresy  to  the  only  trade  to  which  it  was — and 
would  be  again — beneficial — and  that  one  consisting 
of  the  hardy  warriors  who  wage  a  perpetual  battle 
with  those  mightiest  and  sternest  of  adversaries — the 
elements — it  would,  doubtless,  be  one  Act  which 
could  be  passed  without  suspicion  ;  Jack's  masque- 
rading as  a  lobbyist  being  too  ludicrous  for  contem- 
plation. 

We  will  now  consider  the  other  end  of  the  voyage. 
There  are  some  foreign  ports  where  vessels  lie  at 
anchor  ;  and  where  no  sailor-merchant  ventures  under 
the  ship's  bow,  with  a  boat,  to  ply  his  trade.  There 
are  some  where  the  police  do  not  like  intruders,  and 
return  all  deserters  to  the  ship. 

There  are  some  vessels  that  make  long  passages 
outward,  giving  Jack  an  opportunity  to  retrieve  his 
fallen  fortunes,  get  clothed,  and  have  enough  wages 
due  him  to  make  it  vitally  to  his  interest  to  re- 
turn in  them.     Also,  on  the  return  voyage,  the  crews 

*  Cotton  mills  in  Fall  River  and,  I  suppose,  elsewhere,  pay 
regular  insurance  premiums  against  strikes  and  the  consequent 
losses  to  the  company. — Author. 


104  WHERE    DOES    THE    MONEY    GO? 

are  generally  shipped  by  men  who  do  not  know  that 
we  are  compelled  to  carry  outfits,  and,  in  consequence, 
they  have  clothes  with  them.  This  fact,  coupled 
with  Jack's  frugal  habits  (at  sea,  and  when  not  con- 
templating desertion),  which  often  put  him  among 
icebergs  and  in  cotton  pants  simultaneously,  causes 
him  to  have  wages  due  him  when  he  arrives. 

Owing  to  all  these  facts,  there  are  many  "  shekels  " 
to  be  paid  over  in  the  home  office.  Where  do  they 
go?  Alas!  where?  We  see  them  go  into  Jack's 
pocket  ;  as  do  others  who  have  been  studying  the  in- 
scription— on  a  blackboard  kept  for  the  purpose — 
"  To  pay  off — Mermaid  Thursday,  n  a.m."  Poor 
Jack  !  He  is  a  better  drinker  than  banker.  Result. 
He  soon  returns  to  another  department  of  the  same 
office  to  place  his  name — or  "  his  mark  "  whichever 
is  best  suited  to  his  literary  acquirements — on  the 
"  articles  "  of  the  Siren. 

Well,  I  suppose,  at  the  risk  of  putting  the  reader  to 
sleep,  I  must  back  this  with  a  "yarn."  I  have  paid  a 
man  (who  had  a  family  to  support,  and,  after  choos- 
ing the  former  of  the  two  courses  mentioned  above 
under  the  head  of  "  shipping,"  in  consequence  re- 
mained with  me  for  the  voyage  ;  enjoying  a  change 
of  shipmates  in  five  ports  beyond  the  Equator,  three 
of  which  were  beyond  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope)  up- 
wards of  three  hundred  dollars.  I  urged  him  to  take 
a  check,  endorsed  to  his  wife,  who  lived  in  a  city  a 
few  hundred  miles  away — where  he  intended  to  join 
her  in  a  few  days — for  two  hundred  and  fifty  of  it, 
and  immediately  post    it  to    her  ;  but,   as    before   re- 


NONE    FOR    JACK'S    FAMILY.  IO5 

marked,  Jack  is  a  bad  banker,  and  a  check  does  not 
look  very  much  like  money  to  him.  I  failed  in  this, 
and  saw  him  go  away  from  the  pay  department,  ac- 
companied by  the  inevitable  escort. 

Five  days  later  I  met  the  escort  :  Dialogue  :  I, 
"Where  is  Jack?"  He,  "Gone,  shipped  to-day. 
Sea  Serpent.  Japan."  I, — anxiously,  "Did  he  send 
any  money  to  B  ?  "  He,  contemptuously,  "  Have  we 
too  much  money  in  N.  that  we  need  to  send  it  to  B  ?  " 

Poor  Jack  !  Why  did  he  marry  under  the  new  law  ? 
Now,  if  I  had  paid  Jack  at  the  cabin  table,  I  might, 
if  I  had  been  in  the  humor,  have  cheated  him  out  of  a 
few  dollars  ;  but  very  few.  He  had  his  fingers  on 
which  to  reckon,  and  could  get  pretty  nearly  at  it.  I 
should  have  insisted  on  his  taking  a  check,  payable 
to  his  wife,  for  the  greater  part  of  it  ;  and  he  would 
have  done  so,  rather  than  resort  to  the  law.  But  in 
the  Majesty  of  a  Public  Office,  under  the  auditor 
ship  of  a  U.  S.  officer,  freedom  must  be  respected  ; 
and  Jack  must  have  his  bank  notes  if  he  chooses 
them. 

Doubtless  there  are  ship-masters  who  would  cheat 
a  seaman  of  what  they  could  ;  but  here  was  a  man 
who  lost  all,  leaving  his  wife  dependent  on  her  own 
labor  for  the  support  of  his  and  her  children. 

I  never  saw  an  attempt  made  to  cheat  me,  in  the 
few  years  that  I  lived  without  a  guardian.  I  once 
received  five  dollars  too  much,  and — owing,  perhaps, 
to  my  having  been  third  mate  as  long  as  the  office 
had  charms,  and  was  in  great  hope  of  promotion — 
paid  it  back. 


Io6  SELF-EVIDENT. 

It  is  irrelevant  here,  but  to  show  how  well  Mr. 
Burns  knew  about  it  when  he  wrote  about  the  mice, 
I  may  add  that  the  captain  complimented  me  on  my 
nonesty,  shipped  a  new  second  mate  in  lieu  of  the 
one  whose  retirement  had  given  me  so  much  satis- 
faction, and  left  me  undisturbed  in  a  position  that  I 
had  proved  my  ability  to  fill  to  his  satisfaction. 

And  now  I  think  I  have  shown  that  this  Act  of 
Congress  fell  very  wide  of  its  object  ;  and,  on  the 
supposition,  which  I  believe,  that  every  member  who 
voted  for  it  honestly  thought  that  he  was  carrying 
nautical  solicitude  to  lengths  before  unknown,  and 
was  establishing  a  nursery  which  would  supply  a  full 
outfit  of  reliable  American  seamen  for  our  hoped  for 
navy,  cannot  be  laid  to  (save  the  mark)  "  Jobbery." 

If  any  one  thinks  that  I  have  misrepresented  this, 
let  him  fix  it  up  for  himself.  I  have  supplied  the 
material.  He  knows  something  of  sailors,  knows 
their  weakness  and  he  knows  what  kind  of  people 
usually  entertain  them.  He  knows  the  temerity  of 
unions,  and  he  knows,  or  can  learn,  that  sailors  must 
be  shipped  and  paid  off,  publicly  ;  and  that  the  time 
for  the  latter  is  fixed  and  proclaimed  for  some  time  in 
advance.  He  can  go  to  the  nearest  Shipping  Commis- 
sioner's office,  and  watch  till  he  sees  a  sailor  come 
alone — unattended  by  others  besides  his  mates — to 
be  paid  off  ;  but  perhaps  it  would  be  convenient  for 
him  to  have  his  lunch  with  him. 

If  he  likes  the  study  of  Anthropology  (I  have 
written  this  word,  and  then  learned  that  it  has  not 
been  allowed    a   place   in  the    "  dogs-eared  "  micro- 


OFFICERS    NOT    ALWAYS    HONEST.  107 

scopic  apology  for  a  dictionary,  which  I  dignify  by 
that  name  ;  and  which  I  sadly  neglected  in  my  de- 
scription, in  a  former  chapter,  of  my  library  ;  but  I 
can  think  of  no  safer  term  to  express  the  science, 
and  I  yet  hope  that  it  may  be  found  in  the  larger 
volumes  on  shore)  he  can  note  the  difference  between 
our  class  of  sailors,  and  those  who  navigate  the 
United  States  coast,  and  to  Canada,  Mexico  and  the 
West  Indies  ;  and  who  the  Government  allows  to 
leave  off  knee  pants  at  the  usual  age,  don  those  that 
cover  the  ankles,  and  manage  their  own  affairs : 
which,  if  the  habit  is  allowed  to  grow  on  him,  one 
can,  I  think, — be  he  ever  so  unlettered — do  better 
than  any  one  can  do  it  for  him.  Guidance  is  always 
beneficial,  if  judicious,  and  is  often  acceptable  ;  but 
guardianship  should,  I  think,  be  confined  to  minors. 

I  stated  that  it  was  not  my  purpose  to  complain  of 
the  manner  in  which  the  officials  fulfil  the  duties 
assigned  them  ;  but  if  a  Congressman  knows  one- 
tenth  as  much  about  corruption  as  the  Herald  does 
he  must  know  that  when  he  creates  an  office,  it  does 
not  necessarily  follow  that  it  will  be  filled  by  honest 
men  ;  and  should  take  this  conditional  draw-back 
into  consideration.  I  will  therefore  relate  a  few  of 
the  many  instances  of  neglect,  or  worse,  which  I  have 
seen. 

When  I  was  sailing  as  mate,  I  was  once  lying  "  in 
the  stream,"  receiving  a  crew  as  the  captain  man- 
aged to  get  them  despatched  on  board.  Seeing  a 
boat  approach,  I  went  to  the  gangway,  and  saw  that 
it  contained  the  man  who  was  rowing,  and  another 


IOO  WAS    HE    "SHANGHAIED      ( 

who  seemed  to  be  too  full  of  spirit,  to  have  a  clear 
idea  of  what  was  in  progress. 

After  a  great  deal  of  pushing,  and  very  little  climb- 
ing, he  appeared  on  the  gangway  grating,  and  asked, 
in  quavering  tones,  to  be  conducted  to  the  saloon  ; 
as  he  wished  to  obtain  a  drink. 

I  was  struck  with  the  elegance  of  the  few  words 
that  he  addressed  me  with,  but  I  knew  what  kind  of 
sailors  an  emergency  sometimes  provides,  so  did  not 
say  anything,  except  to  explain  to  him  that  the  ship 
was  not  fitted  with  such  a  luxury  ;  and  provided  an 
escort  to  conduct  him  to  the  apartments  set  aside  for 
his  reception  ;  upon  which  he  immediately  went  to 
sleep,  to  dream  the  dismal  visions  of  the  inebriate. 

On  the  following  morning  he  came  out,  and  in  the 
most  choice  language,  asked  me  to  explain  his  situa- 
tion.    On  my  explaining  that  he  was  an  able  seaman 

on  board  of  the  P and  bound  to  a  port  which  he 

could  not  hope  to  reach  inside  of  four  months,  lie 
was  aghast  ;  and  said  that  it  was  impossible  for  him 
to  go. 

He  then  explained  that  he  was  a  music  teacher, 
and  that  he  had  entered  a  saloon  the  day  before,  and 
having  his  violin  with  him,  had  been  led  into  the  indis- 
cretion of  playing  for,  and  drinking  with,  some  gen- 
erous men  that  he  met  ;  timidly  explaining  that  he  had 
not  been  in  town  long,  and  had  not  succeeded  in  get- 
ting a  class  that  made  luxuries  available. 

He  showed  me  that  he  wore  a  white  shirt  under  the 
blue  one  that  had  been  put  over  it,  and  told  me  that 
the  cap  he  wore  was  unknown  to  him  ;  explaining  that 


HOW    WAS    IT    DONE  ?  IO9 

his  hat  and  violin — which  latter  he  valued  at  one 
hundred  dollars — were  missing.  He  showed  me  a 
newspaper  in  which  was  announced  that  "  the  well- 
known  musician  Mr.  F.  had  departed,  etc.,  etc.,  to  try 
his  fortune,  etc.,"  and  said  that  he  was  Mr.  F. 

I  explained  to  the  captain,  and  he  took  him  ashore, 
and  recovered  the  sixty  dollars  paid  for  him.  He 
acknowledged  his  handwriting  on  the  articles.  How 
did  it  get  there  in  the  face  of  the  fact  that  a  man  that 
the  Captain  found  himself,  a  few  days  before,  and  for 
whom  he  was  to  pay  nobody,  was  not  allowed  to  sign 
because  he  was,  though  evidently  a  full-blooded  sea- 
man, a  little  hilarious  with  drink  ? 

At  another  time,  when  I  ordered  a  man  to  loose  the 
mizzen  topsail,  and  saw  him  make  a  desperate  charge 
for  the  jib-boom,  I  asked  for  his  story. 

He  had  been  sent  by  an  uncle  of  the  British  Met- 
ropolis toward  the  setting  sun,  evidently  in  the  hope 
that  he  would  there  be  inspired  by  a  talent,  or  find  an 
opportunity,  for  gaining  a  livelihood,  which  seems  to 
have  been  denied  him  in  the  Mother  country.  On 
arriving  he  had  not  found  any  gold  in  the  streets  to 
be  picked  up,  and  had  resorted  to  some  hay  bales  on 
the  wharf,  as  the  only  available  sleeping  apartment. 
While  there  he  was  discovered  by  a  humane  landlord 
of  a  Maritime  Hotel,  who  took  him  home,  gave  him  a 
night's  lodging,  and  told  him  that  he  could  manage 
for  him,  with  a  friend,  a  passage  to  return  to  his 
affectionate  uncle,  C.  O.  D.,  but  that  he  would  have 
to  assist  the  steward  in  the  cabin,  and  sign  the 
papers. 


IIO  VALUABLE    ASSISTANCE. 

The  only  remuneration  this  noble  philanthropist 
received,  was  the  blessing  allotted  to  those  who 
open  their  house  and  heart  to  the  houseless  stranger, 
and — forty-five  dollars  advance  wages  ;  after  shipping 
him  before  "the  guardian,"  as  an  able  seaman. 

Since  I  have  been  master  I  have  gone  into  a  har- 
bor, in  distress  ;  my  crew  being  used  up  by  a  long 
passage,  bad  weather,  and  desperate  pumping.  I 
went  to  the  Commissioner  at  a  neighboring  town,  and 
told  him  that  I  would  have  to  discharge  my  crew  and 
ship  another,  before  proceeding.  He  asked  me — 
and  I  wasted  a  lot  of  gratitude  on  him  for  being  so 
thoughtful — if  I  would  like  two  or  three  men  to  work 
on  board  till  I  got  a  new  crew.  He  found  them,  and 
I  sent  them  over  to  the  ship  on  Saturday  afternoon. 
On  Monday  morning,  when  I  took  my  crew  ashore  to 
put  them  in  the  hospital  and  pay  them  off,  the  new 
men  had  decided  that  they  did  not  wish  to  stay 
longer.  I  sent  them  back,  paid  their  fare  each  way, 
besides  hiring  a  boat  to  put  them  on  board,  paid  them 
three  days  wages,  and  subsequently  learned  that  they 
were  boarding-masters,  who  went  to  engage  the  crew 
for  boarders  when  they  should  come  out  of  the  hos- 
pital. I  have  often  been  plagued  by  these  people 
coming  after  my  crew,  but  this  is  the  only  time  that 
I  paid  their  expenses  each  way,  and  allowed  them 
three  days  pay  for  doing  nothing  else. 

Another  law  to  the  advantage  of  the  same  men 
was  a  portion  of  the  shipping  act  of  1884,  which  pro- 
hibited advances  being  paid,  under  severe,  and  what, 
(begging  the  pardon  of  those  who  framed  them)   I 


UNALLOYED    GAIN.  Ill 

shall  call  extraordinary  penalties  ;  not  only  condemn- 
ing us  to  lose  the  money,  but  to  a  fine  and  imprison- 
ment besides  ;  making  it  unlawful  for  us  to  pick  up  a 
man,  charitably  pay  for  his  board  and  outfit,  without 
charging  him  the  amount,  and  shipping  him  free  of 
advance. 

While  this  law  was  in  full  force  the  boarding-mas- 
ter was  more  "  in  clover  "  than  ever  before  ;  because 
he  could  receive  the  same  amount  of  advrnce  from 
any  ship-master  who  dared  to  pay  it  (and  probably 
most  of  them,  rather  than  let  their  ship  lay,  would 
risk  the  enforcement  of  the  extreme  penalties  for 
such  a  minor  offense  as  paying  a  man  for  his  services) 
and  not  be  at  the  trouble  of  balancing  up  with  Jack  ; 
which  would  demand  some  outlay  in  whiskey,  if 
nothing  more. 

As  a  coincidence,  wages  were  "  quoted  "  at  a  very 
low  rate  about  that  time  ;  enabling  us  to  avoid  the 
temptation  to  ourselves  to  go  "  on  the  war-path  "  in 
search  of  sailors,  and  risk  delay  by  putting  the  ship 
in  the  stream,  and  taking  them  from  the  shipping 
office  with  boats. 

Owing  to  a  reputation  which  some  "  Ancient 
Mariner "  has  handed  down  to  us  as  a  legacy,  the 
"  unions  "  do  not  care  to  board  our  ships  when  sur- 
rounded by  water,  in  order  to  enforce  their  illegal 
rules. 

This  law  has  been  changed  ;  and  now  we  are 
allowed  to  pay  three  monthly  installments  of 
ten  dollars  each,  "  after  it  has  been  earned."  The 
boarding-master  gets  that  amount — well,  when  our 


112  BETTER    STILL. 

agents  pay  it  to  him  ;  and  we  could  find  the  man — ■ 
if  the  outraged  Government  should  offer  a  reward 
that  would  make  it  worth  our  while — who  pays  the 
balance.  In  short,  he  doesn't  mean  to  be  "  left  " 
while  he  can  so  easily  learn  what  is  going  on,  and 
can  use  his  influence  to  prevent  Jack  from  disobey- 
ing him. 

By  the  same  Act,  we  are  compelled  to  carry  a  full 
outfit  for  each  man,  commonly  known  as  a  "  slop 
chest."  This  appears,  when  looked  at  superficially, 
to  be  a  wise  law  ;  and  doubtless  our  law-makers 
thought,  as  in  the  other  cases,  that  Jack  was  the  man  to 
catch  the  dew  drop  in  this  case.  Not  so.  The  board- 
ing master,  having  become  accustomed  to  looking 
for  his  advantage  in  former  Acts,  readily  saw  another 
in  this.  Here  was  a  chance  for  Jack  (?)  to  spend  the 
last  dollar  of  the  advance,  in  the  usual  way.  Before, 
he  insisted  on  getting  some  clothes  with  it  (no  sailor 
living  would  then  go  without  sea  boots  and  oil-skins, 
soap,  matches  and  tobacco.) 

Now,  if  he  hints  at  such  a  stupid  thing,  he  is  re- 
minded or  informed  that  all  of  his  little  wants  are, 
by  law,  to  be  supplied  on  board.  This  also  has 
the  effect  of  putting  the  finishing  touch  to  his  im- 
providence. He  has  always  been  proverbial  for 
reckless  expenditure  and  improvident  ways ;  but 
never  until  this  last  mentioned  addition  to  his  pro- 
tection, have  I  seen  him  wearing  a  well-worn  coat 
next  to  his  skin,  and  had  the  honor  of  supplying  him 
with  his  first  shirt. 

I  shall   next   discuss  the  effect   of  all  this  on  the 


FOSTERING    DISHONESTY.  II3 

sailor's  morals.  As  said  above,  he  is  proverbial  for 
faults ;  but  if,  formerly,  any  one  accused  him  of 
being  mean  and  dishonest,  it  was  the  grossest 
slander.  I  am  afraid  I  cannot  say  the  same  of 
him  now.  I  have  had  them  dispute  their  signatures 
to  orders  for  me  to  pay  one  or  two  dollars  to  some 
one  and  charge  to  their  account. 

The  reason  was  obvious.  The  paymaster  told  me 
that  he  was  not  allowed  to  balance  against  their 
wages  anything  except  the  advance  on  the  articles  ; 
and  that  my  only  chance  was  to  pay  the  money  to 
them,  and  then  try  to  recover  the  amount  that  the 
order  called  for  ;  or,  in  other  words,  let  the  man 
know  that  he  can  sign  a  document  acknowledging 
the  receipt  of  money  or  its  equivalent,  and  then  pay 
it  or  not  as  he  sees  fit. 

What  is  the  inevitable  effect  of  this  ?  Is  it  ele- 
vating ?  This  does  not  apply  to  cash  advanced  to 
him  when  staying  by  a  ship  in  a  foreign  port,  or  to 
goods  supplied  ;  but  only  to  an  order  to  pay  money 
to  some  person  named.  I  do  not  think  it  has  yet  had 
the  effect  of  making  him  thoroughly  dishonest,  and  I 
think  that  if  he  was  unattended  by  the  "escort" 
mentioned  above,  he  would  pay  it  ;  but  he  belong:; 
to  a  class  of  a  station  in  life,  that  it  is  not  safe  to 
allow  to  get  familiar  with  the  fact  that  he  can  refuse 
to  pay  his  acknowledged  debts  with  impunity. 

To  be  under  suspicion,  is  another  cause  of  dis1 
honesty,  and  Jack  being,  as  several  times  remarked.; 
no  banker,  he  is  inclined  to  think  that  he  is  in  thai 
position,  if  asked  to  sign  his  name  too  often. 


114  "JACK       NO    BUSINESS    MAN. 

In  some  of  our  ports — one,  surely,  and  perhaps  all 
— the  Commissioner  holds  that  if  we  advance  cash  to 
a  seaman,  and  he  subsequently  deserts,  it  must  be 
forfeited  to  the  Government,  unless  we  can  show 
receipts  for  it. 

Upward  of  twenty  years  of  experience  has  not 
shown  me  one  case  of  a  sailor  refusing  to  acknowl- 
edge the  receipt  of  money  or  goods  ;  and  he  is  al- 
ways perfectly  willing  to  sign  his  account  before 
leaving  the  ship.  I  mean,  of  course,  before  he  gets 
into  the  hands  of  his  manager.  And  it  is  perfectly 
safe  to  leave  it  all  till  that  time  ;  but  when  we  ad- 
vance him  a  dollar  or  two,  and  ask  him  to  sign  a 
receipt — which  one  must  do  to  guard  against  his 
possible  desertion,  and  our  consequent  loss  by  the 
above  ruling — he  immediately  appears  offended,  and 
is  more  likely  to  desert  than  ever.  Of  course,  to 
tell  Mm  that  we  do  it  to  provide  against  his  possible 
desertion  is  most  disastrous.  He  immediately  de- 
cides that  we  do  not  want  him  to  remain. 

We  will  now  leave  the  struggle  to  prove  that 
lobbyism  is  not  always  used  by  the  benefitted,  and 
take  a  much  needed  rest  by  trying  to  show  that  it  is 
probably  applied  sometimes.  I  am  tired  of  narrating 
hard  facts,  and  want  a  change  to  conjectures. 


CHAPTER  XVI. 

A    "  DEAD  "    SHIPPING    BILL. 

There  is  one  recent  result  of  Congressional  De- 
bate, that  lays  that  august  body  under  strong  sus- 
picion ;  I  refer  to  the  fate  of  the  "Subsidy  Bill," 
lately  under  consideration,  and  which  I  learned,  by 
Cable,  before  sailing. 

That  Congress  should,  in  the  face  of  the  habit  it 
has  contracted  of  extending  its  protecting  wing  over 
American  "  bottoms,"  until  Long  Island  Sound  has 
become  nearly  filled  with  them,  fail  to  pass  any  meas- 
ure for  the  assistance  of  navigation  which  it  has  in  hand, 
almost  passes  belief  ;  and  savors  strongly  of  "undue 
pressure." 

Do  we  not  know  that  those  same  "  bottoms," 
together  with  their  now  vanished  "  tops,"  once  cruised 
alone  over  the  trackless  waste,  forced  to  toss  about 
in  the  most  violent  manner — often  rolling  "  yard-arm 
under  "  ;  were  compelled  to  wait  for  wind  and  tide, 
much  to  the  detriment  of  their  owners  and  to  the  im- 
patience of  the  mariners,  and  were  able  to  make, 
often,  not  so  much  as  one  voyage  in  the  year  ?  And 
do  we  not  know  that  now,  after  having  enjoyed  the 
constant  solicitude  of  the  Houses  of  Congress  for  a 
long  term  of  years,  they  enjoy  the  luxury  of  sailing 
in  fleets,  united  by  the  strongest  of  bonds — a  modern 
steel  hawser  ;  are  pampered  and  petted  by  being  kept 
in  perfectly  smooth  water,  and  to  avoid  a  possibility 


Il6  WHAT    THEY    ONCE    DID. 

of  their  dipping  their  yards  in  villanous  brine,  have 
had  them  all  sent  on  shore  ;  are  being  impelled  by 
that  modern  luxury  steam — in  lieu  of  the  treacherous 
topsail  which  had  to  be  reefed  when  the  wind  blew, 
or  be  blown  from  the  bolt  ropes  ;  and  can  now  make 
the  astounding  number  of  from  twenty  to  forty  voy- 
ages in  the  same  length  of  time  ? 

Are  we  not  aware  that  they  once,  with  no  assis- 
tance, were  forced  to  carry  the  Stars  and  Stripes  into 
regions  before  unexplored,  to  cause  them  to  wave  in 
the  remote  seas  of  "  Cathay  "  and  Malaysia,  through- 
out the  gulfs  and  bays  of  India,  along  the  coast  of 
Africa  and  all  around  the  mammoth  isles  of  Austra- 
lasia ?  Whereas,  Congress  now  keeps  that  gallant 
banner  at  home,  and,  for  the  greater  part,  on  shore  ; 
and  as  a  significant  sign  that  they  (the  "  bottoms  ") 
will  never  again  be  called  upon  to  perform  that  ar- 
duous service,  they  have  been  allowed  to  destroy  the 
place  where  they  were  wont  to  hoist  it. 

How  suggestive  it  is  of  Western  progress  that  the 
ships  of  the  Maritime  countries  of  Europe— where  Lib- 
erty is  in  its  infancy  or  yet  unborn — have  not  yet  been 
emancipated,  but  must  still  buffet  the  angry  waves,  and 
pander  to  the  selfish  spirit  of  Parliamentary  Organiza- 
tions, by  carrying  their  foreign  commerce  to  distances 
unknown  even  to  our  voracious  ancestors  ;  thus  ex- 
posing their  uncherished  bunting  to  the  inclement 
weather  of  the  Great  Southern  Capes,  the  cyclone  of 
the  Indian  Ocean,  the  Typhoon  of  the  China  sea,  and 
the  Pamperos  and  Suestadas  of  our  sister  Continent. 

How  judicious  it  was  in  our  wise  Fathers,  to  choose 


WHO    WAS   THE    LOBBYIST?  117 

for  the  National  Guardian  the  Eagle,  who  habitually 
hovers  over  mountains  and  forests,  instead  of  the 
weird,  lonely  and  distance  ignoring  Albatross,  whose 
form  could  not  much  longer  be  remembered  ;  and 
whose  likeness  might  ere  long  be  lost  to  us,  and  our 
Coat  of  Arms  be  allowed  to  degenerate  into  the  en- 
graving of  a  mere  buzzard. 

On  first  learning  of  its  fate,  and  having  only  super- 
ficially read  a  copy  of  the  ill-fated  "  Bill,"  I  was  at  a 
loss  to  identify  the  Lobbyist  who  would  use  his  influ- 
ence to  bring  about  this  primal  and  startling  neglect, 
which  would  leave  the  Towing  Companies  of  our 
coast  deprived  of  all  remuneration  outside  of  the 
freight  on  the  sparkling  Pennsylvania  diamonds, 
which  have  replaced  the  prosaic  bales  of  Indian  silk, 
the  sneeze  promoting  spices,  and  the  dried  leaves  of 
Mongolia,  with  which  our  "bottoms"  were  once 
freighted.  But  on  a  more  careful  reading  of  the  in- 
strument, I  learned  that  the  benefit  was  not  to  extend 
to  the  pampered  ones  above  referred  to,  but  to  us 
who  were  yet  at  sea ;  and,  probably,  to  induce  us 
not  to  further  obstruct  the  track  of  the  palatial  float- 
ing structures,  in  which  Congressmen  risk  their  valu- 
able lives  while  en  route  to  Bar  Harbor  and  Newport  ; 
alco  that  the  conditions  of  the  benefit  were,  that  a 
steadily  increasing  portion  of  our  crews  were  to  be 
Americans. 

In  view  of  this  new  phase  of  the  question,  is  it  not 
probable  that  the  widows  and  orphans  of  those 
ruined  ship-owners  who  injudiciously  continued  to 
send  the  flag  away  unauthorized  by  Congress,  have — 


Il8  CANAL-BOATMEN,   FARMERS,  FOSSILS. 

knowing  that  the  American  sailor  of  to-day  who  has 
not  obeyed  the  Biblical  injunction  to,  in  certain  con- 
tingencies, "  flee  unto  the  mountains,"  has  contracted 
the  habit  of  carrying  his  wife  and  baby  with  him  on 
his  voyages  (in  which  consideration  the  "  subsidy  " 
would  be  swallowed  up  in  increased  stores,  and  the 
addition  of  flagons  of  "  Soothing  Syrup "  to  the 
medicine  chest) — rushed  to  Washington  in  a  body,  and 
begged  our  law-makers  to  desist  from  passing  a 
measure  which  would  irritate  the  Herald  by  using  up 
Government  stationery,  and  be  futile  in  preventing 
the  further  obstruction  of  their  great  highway  in  the 
pursuit  of  pleasure  and  recreation  ;  probably,  also, 
explaining  to  them  that  even  if  the  few  remaining 
rovers  were  not  run  down  and  sunk  by  their  myriads 
of  European  contemporaries,  there  are  not  enough  of 
them  left  to  materially  increase  the  danger  of  col- 
lision above  referred  to. 

As  for  American  sailors  of  the  other  species,  I  can 
conscientiously  affirm  that  for  upwards  of  fifteen 
years,  I  have  not  known  one  to  leave  his  farm  in 
command  of  his  son  and  heir,  and  go  farther  than 
the  West  Indies  ;  not  meaning,  of  course,  youngsters 
(who  had  read  of  the  exploits  of  Crusoe  ;  and 
who  made  one  voyage,  to  retire  in  disgust  at  its 
end,  because  they  had  not,  thus  early,  realized 
their  fond  vision  of  being  cast  on  a  desolate  island) 
or  officers.  Even  the  latter  I  have  not  myself  enjoyed 
for  upward  of  three  years,  excepting  an  old-time 
specimen  of  the  genus  "  Cape  Coder  "  who  made  a 
voyage  because  his  brother-in-law — owing,  probably, 


AMATEURS    AND    NEGROES?  II9 

to  "  family  jars  " — had  decided  to,  for  a  while,  run 
the  light-ship  without  his  assistance — and  a  juvenile 
one,  which  I  manufactured  myself,  from  very  raw 
material  ;  and  who  is  either  the  very  biggest  "  fool 
of  the  family,"  or  is  not  yet  of  sufficient  age  and 
experience  to  be  accepted,  by  the  Government,  to  as- 
sist his  father  in  the  same  occupation. 

I  have  had  one  who  "  hailed  "  from  the  United 
States,  but  whose  accent  was  deficient  of  the  peculiar 
rhythm  which  would  make  it  compatible  to  the  ear  of 
an  "  old  residenter,"  and  whose  question  about  the 
location  of  "a  place  called  Vermouth"  caused  the 
writer — who  lisped  questions  to  his  mama  about 
Molly  Stark's  conditional  widowhood  nearly  as  early 
as  he  learned  to  absorb  maple  sugar — to  suspect  that 
he  w,as  an  American  of  the  Castle  Garden  descrip- 
tion. 

My  stewards  are  usually  Americans,  but  of  the 
"  Sol  Attequin "  class,  who,  according  to  a  well- 
known  authority,  cannot  endure  "jobbery;"  and 
should,  in  consequence,  either  retire  to  Congo  or  the 
Rocky  Mountains,  according  to  which  item  of  blood 
is  the  strongest. 

I  place  them  with  this  class — although  my  inexperi- 
ence of  prairie  life  does  not  admit  of  my  detecting 
aboriginal  characteristics — because,  on  my  asking  my 
present  incumbent — when  in  the  mood  that  I  incurred 
by  reading  the  history  of  the  above  named  product  of 
amalgamation — what  was  his  opinion  of  "  jobbery," 
he  wiped  the  perspiration  from  his  brow,  placed  his 
lamest  leg  at  an  angle  that  would  guard  against  the 


120  THE    HERALD    EXONERATED. 

evil  consequences  of  a  possible  ill-timed  "  roller," 
and  gave  tongue — in  a  manner  to  force  conviction — 
to  the  words,  "  I  don'  believe  in  it,  cap'n." 

I  have  since,  before  committing  myself  by  giving 
this  hypothesis  to  the  public,  made  "  assurance 
doubly  sure  "  by  asking  him  if  he  ever  sold  his  vote  ; 
and  his  indignant  denial  showed,  conclusively,  that 
he  did  not  belong  to  the  other  class,  who,  according 
to  the  same  authority,  sell  out  to  the  "victor,"  only 
to  be  denied  a  share  in  the  "  spoils." 

If  this  Act  had  miscarried  at  Albany,  where  the 
supreme  authority  of  the  Herald  seems  to  be  ac- 
knowledged, I  should  suspect  it  of  complicity  in  its 
fate  ;  I  having  read  a  few  murmurs  of  disapproba- 
tion in  this  great  meteorological  journal,  which  prob- 
ably gets  sufficient  data  for  its  researches  from  the 
present  foreign  fleet,  and  is  not  in  want  of  American 
observers  ;  but  to  suspect  any  one  in  Washington  of 
obeying  the  Divine  injunction,  "  Do  good  unto 
those,"  etc.,  sufficiently  to  cause  them  to  listen  to  its 
warning  notes,  would  be  not  only  to  discredit  all  that 
the  Herald  itself  says  of  them,  but  to  class  them 
among  those  not  fit  for  contact  with  this  wicked 
globe. 

And  now  having,  as  I  think,  shown — as  to  whether 
lobbyism  prevails  or  not — that,  like  the  danger  of,  in 
certain  contingencies,  touching  "  the  Good'in  Sands  " 
— "  it  may  not  but  it  may,"  I  will  pass  on  to  consider 
the  respective  merits  of  the  Pulpit  and  Sunday  news- 
paper. 


CHAPTER  XVII. 

THE    PULPIT    OUTDONE. 

The  Herald  says  that  the  Rev.  Dr.  Deems  has  de- 
clared that  the  Sunday  newspapers  are  too  "good  " 
and  rob  the  churches  of  attendance  ;  and  modestly 
adds  that,  although  its  own  name  was  not  mentioned, 
"of  course  "  it  was  meant;  after  which  it  proceeds 
to  assure  the  Reverend  Doctor  that  he  is  right,  and 
that  the  Herald  does  teach  more  than  is  taught  in 
pulpits. 

I  have  no  acquaintance  with  the  Doctor,  but  an 
ingrained  respect  for  the  "cloth  "  forces  me  to  think 
that  he  may  not  have  meant  the  whole  of  the  Herald, 
if  that  journal  had  the  honor  of  being  the  upper- 
most in  his  thoughts  ;  but  to  the  latter  assertion,  I 
heartily  agree. 

I  should  be  sorry  to  hear  any  Doctor  of  Di- 
vinity, in  New  York  or  elsewhere,  even  admit  that 
"good"  reading  may  be  found  under  the  heading 
"His  nose  was  smashed,"  followed  by  a  cheerful  ac- 
count of  a  most  engaging  "  fight  to  a  finish  ;  "  which, 
unfortunately,  does  not  always  finish  that  amusement 
for  life,  but  usually  leaves  them  to  recover,  under  the 
surgeon's  hands,  to  add  to  their  laurels  on  a  future 
occasion.  Perhaps  this  is  not  "  the  newspaper,"  but 
only  the  "  sporting  editor." 

Then,  who  is  "  the  newspaper  "  ?  and  where  does  this 
"sporting  editor  "  hide  in  the  day-time  ;  after  giving 


122  THE    PULPIT    OUTDONE. 

glowing  accounts  of  nose  smashings  and  jaw  break- 
ings, accompanied  by  such  misplaced  terms  as  "manly 
art"  and  "  noble  self-defense  ?  " 

Why  cannot  a  so-called  "  athletic  club  "  practice 
the  noble  games  that  give  ease,  grace  and  strength 
to  the  forms  that  God  has  given  to  us,  without  out- 
doing the  brutes,  by  including — without  the  feelings 
of  enmity  which  is  an  apology  for  the  brute — "  smash- 
ing "  them  to  pieces  for  mutual  amusement  ;  and  to 
make  a  chance  for  an  interesting  "  bet  "  ?  Why  can 
they  not  use  the  "  drop  a  nickel  "  striking  machine, 
and  save  their  noses  for  their  friends  (if  they  have 
any)  to  look  at  ? 

I  think  it  no  harm  to  practice  boxing  sufficiently 
to  enable  one,  in  an  emergency  that  may  occur  during 
a  lifetime,  to  defend  himself  with  his  fists  ;  but  if  it 
must  necessarily  follow  that,  as  soon  as  he  becomes 
an  expert,  he  shall  rank  himself  with  the  brutes,  and 
have  his  "  developed  "  form  mutilated  for  the  possi- 
ble honor  of  having  "  drawn  first  blood,"  or  of  "  get- 
ting the  first  knock  down,"  to  amuse  those  whose 
taste  is  as  barbarous  as  that  of  the  gladiatorial  days 
of  Rome,  I  think  it  better  to  take  the  very  small  risk 
of  going  through  life  without  gaining  the  science. 

Of  course  I  am  aware  that  many  who  patronize  the 
ring  would  not  fight  in  it,  even  if  he  were  as  strong  as 
Samson  ;  but  I  see  no  difference  between  those  in 
the  ring  and  the  spectator,  except  that  the  latter  is 
usually  of  a  class  that  ought  to  have  developed  other 
tastes,  while,  perhaps,  the  former  has  always  been  a 
savage. 


VICTORY    NOT    IMPORTANT.  1 23 

We  read  in  fiction  of  expert  boxers  performing  he- 
roically in  the  cause  of  the  right  and  the  oppressed  ; 
but  who  has  ever  seen  it  in  life  ? 

One  who  has  spent  the  greater  part  of  his  life 
among  people  before  whom  to  quail  would  necessi- 
tate the  employment  of  a  surgeon  or  a  cabinet  maker, 
has  never  seen  a  time — on  shore — that  he  could  not 
fight  a  better  battle  of  that  kind  with  his  hands  in  his 
pockets,  than  out. 

A  bully  is  the  only  person  that  one  need  fight,  and 
they  are  invariably  cowards  ;  and  a  coward  has  a  far 
greater  fear  of  a  steady  eye  than  a  developed  mus- 
cle. He  can  measure  the  eye  without  striking  a 
blow  ;  but  his  appreciation  of  strength  only  comes 
after  a  hard  fight,  which  must  result  in  both  parties 
being  left  in  a  position  to  shun  respectable  society, 
until  time  has  healed  the  bruises.  There  is  so  little 
difference  at  the  end,  that  I  think  it  best  not  to  tempt 
the  brutal  instinct  that  seems  to  be  hidden  in  many 
(<f  not  the  most)  of  us,  by  making  preparations  for  an 
emergency  that  rarely  occurs  to  those  who  use  no 
aggressive  measures  to  bring  it  about. 

I  excepted  on  ship-board,  because  there  there  is  not 
as  much  room  as  on  shore;  and  if  one  meets  a  bully,  he 
cannot  choose  another  street  in  future.  But  even 
when  a  boy,  I  never  found  it  necessary  to  do  any 
more  than  to  fight,  and  the  event  did  not  materially 
affect  my  after  peace. 

If  I  lost  the  battle,  popular  opinion  was  on  my 
side  for  showing  the  spirit  to  fight,  and  a  readiness 
to  renew  the  contest  on  a  recurrence  of  the  cause  ; 


124  A   LARGE    AUDIENOE. 

and  the  bully  succumbed  to  that,  if  not  to  my 
prowess. 

This  is  perhaps  not  a  pretty  subject,  but  when  a 
newspaper  that  publishes  such  occurrences  in  any 
other  tone  than  that  of  horror  and  disgust,  has  the 
assurance  to  compare  itself  favorably' with  the  pulpit 
for  "good"  influence,  perhaps  I  may  be  allowed  to 
protest  against  a  disgraceful  indulgence  in  brutality, 
whose  only  cloak  is  the  pretense  of  fostering  the  abil- 
ity to  protect  innocence,  and  which,  as  shown  above, 
is  of  the  thinnest  gauze  to  one  who  "has  been  there." 

Perhaps  some  may  think  it  not  worth  the  trouble  ; 
but  when  twelve  hundred  people  get  together  to  see, 
not  two  of  the  Masters,  but  an  ordinary  pair  of 
bruisers,  it  looks  as  though  it  is  time  to  quarrel  with 
those  who  publish  the  accounts,  side  by  side  with  the 
sermons  of  the  pulpit. 

I  do  not  wish  it  to  be  understood  that  I  am  one  of 
those  Millenarians  who  think  it  best  to  be  unarmed 
for  battle,  but  am  only  discussing  the  question  of 
what  is  the  safest  and  best  physical  weapon  to  be 
used. 

I  admit  that  a  steady  eye  will  not  supply  to  a 
Government  the  place  of  powder,  and  facilities -to 
use  it,  unless,  indeed,  it  be  accompanied  by  a  very 
steady  tongue  ;  and  even  then  there  is  great  danger 
of  oppression.  But  the  strength  of  a  Government 
may  be  more  readily  noted,  than  that  of  the  human 
frame. 

A  century  has  apparently  made  but  little  difference 
in  the  three  qualities  of  man — fierceness,  avarice  and 


A    LARGE    AUDIENCE.  1 25 

pride — that  Cowper  said  must  result  in  war  ;  but 
man's  natural  timidity  about  plunging  headlong  into 
what  "we  know  not  of,"  may,  if  we  all  hold  the  un- 
tried modern  weapons,  avert  it  for  a  long  time.* 


CHAPTER  XVIII. 

AROUND    THE    WORLD. 

I  learn  that  the  renowned  Geo.  Francis  Train  has 
again  come  to  the  surface  to  "  blow  "  ;  and  has  been 
engaged  in  travelling  around  the  globe,  in  the  hope  of 
breaking  all  records.  I  have  been  much  excited  about 
his  progress,  but  have  got  out  of  all  patience  with 
him,  for  having,  after  having  arrived  where  he  was 
to  have  a  fair  wind  for  the  rest  of  the  voyage,  stayed 
two  days  to  yarn  with  the  Herald  j  because,  forsooth  ! 
he  had  beaten  Jules  Verne  and  Nellie  Bly. 

How  does  he  know  but  that  those  two  days  may 
necessitate  his  starting  again,  almost  immediately, 
or  giving  up  the  honor  gained  ?  I,  myself,  might 
have  been  nearer  the  winning  post  than  he  supposed 
me  to  have  been. 

If  I  had  sailed  three  hundred  and  sixty — instead  of 
four  hundred  and  sixty — degrees  of  longitude  ;  had 
left  out  my  two  hundred  of  latitude  ;  had  only  stayed 
in  port  long  enough  to  tell  the  newspaper  man  about 
it  ;  had  had  a  fair  wind,  instead  of  a  northerly  one 
that  kept  me  in  the  far  South  until  the  albatross,  the 
Cape  pigeon  (pintado)  and  the  sea  elephant  mistook 
me  for  a  desolate  island,  and  began  to  contemplate 
forming  a  new  "  rookery  "  ;  had  had  no  gales  to  con- 
vert my  sails  into  detached  balloons,  leaving  me  to 
hunt  my  lockers  for  bolts  of  canvas,  balls  of  twine 
and  cakes  of    beeswax,    and    then    to   search    madly 


THE  "  PSYCHO."  127 

among  my  South  Pacific  tramps  for  a  man  who  had 
before  seen  a  "  palm  and  needle  "  ;  had  had  no  heavy 
Cape  Horn  seas  to  fill  my  bed  with  a  mixture  of 
splintered  wood,  broken  glass  and  salt  water,  caus- 
ing me  to  be  frightened  into  "  running  before  it  " 
when  I  wanted  to  get — if  my  salted  wind-jamming 
contemporaries  will  allow  me  to  use  the  term  for 
once — behind  it;  if  I  could  have  avoided  the  "Horse 
Latitudes,"  the  Equatorial  "  doldrums,"  the  calms  of 
Capricorn,  and  the  many  other  calms  which  occur 
while  Boreas  gets  his  breath  ;  could  have  kept  in 
"  fair  "  currents  instead  of  "  head  "  ones  ;  could  have 
escaped  all  of  the  other  "natural  ills  that  (pickled) 
flesh  is  heir  to  "  ;  and  could  have  sailed  a  few  knots 
faster,  I  would  have  given  him  a  hard  race. 

My  two  hundred  and  forty  days,  beside  his  sixty- 
six  (if  he  kept  good  company  in  New  York  and  got 
away  on  time),  would  probably  fill  him  with  contempt; 
but  I  think  that  he  will  do  well  to  have  a  watchful 
eye  to  the  future.  The  fact  is,  if  they  do  not  cost 
too  much — that  I  mean  to  have  a  "  Psycho  "  next 
voyage.*     I  have  not  an  idea  what  it  may  be,  not 

*  "  That  Geo.  Francis  Train  is  the  happy  possessor  of  a 
breech-loading  double-barrelled  Psycho,  there  can  be  no  manner  of 
doubt.  Talk  to  him  about  going  around  the  globe  in  seventy- 
two  days  ?  He  laughs  at  you  and  declares  that  that  is  the  feat  of 
a  girl.  *  *  *  Geo.  Francis  and  his  Psycho  have  reached 
New  York.  *  *  *  He  proposes  to  spend  a  couple  of  days  in 
this  city,  and  then  beat  all  records  as  easily  as  he  would 
roll  off  a  slippery  log.  Early  next  week,  if  that  Psycho  hangs  on, 
his  train  will  roll  into  Tacoma.  *  *  *  Geo.  Francis  is  no 
slouch,  likewise  his  Psycho." — N.    Y.  Herald. 


128  IS    IT    ORDNANCE  ? 

remembering  to  have  seen  anything  bearing  that 
name  hanging  up  in  a  ship-chandler's  shop  ;  but  they 
are  evidently  of  great  assistance  on  a  voyage,  and  as 
I  am  used — as  before  hinted — to  having  new  inven- 
tions arise  while  I  am  at  sea,  I  have  very  bright 
hopes  of  being  able  to  drop  on  one. 

Perhaps  Mr.  T.  might  lend  me  his,  if  he  does  not 
learn  to  suspect  me  of  wishing  to  eclipse  his   record. 

If  I  did  not  know  that  the  Herald — when  it  has 
become  weary  of  laughing  at  misguided  voters — 
and  at  times  when  the  Aqueducts  are  clear,  the  Ex- 
cise Board  scrubbed  clean,  the  Barge  Office  venti- 
lated, and  the  'Sheriff's  office  disinfected,  with  no 
threatening  clouds  hanging  over  the  City  Hall, 
Albany  or  Washington — sometimes  indulges  in  wit 
so  keen  as  to  cause  me  to  regret  that  the  sad  condi- 
tion of  politics  will  not  admit  of  its  devoting  more 
of  its  time  to  that  luxury — in  which  case  I  should 
neglect  my  navigation  on  alternate  days — I  should 
fear  that  it  might  be  a  piece  of  modern  ordnance, 
that  is  either  of  recent  invention,  or  has  escaped  my 
superficial  researches  in  that  science  ;  as  it  is 
described  as  a  "  double-barrelled,  breech-loading 
Psycho"  ;  but  as  that  journal  often  indulges  in  the 
trial,  and,  when  not  indignant  at  the  dominant  Party, 
is  eminently  successful,  I  am  in  hopes  that  that  de- 
scription is  only  a  joke  ;  and  that  I  will  find  it  within 
my  means,  even  if  the  "  Subsidy  Bill  "  is  never 
rescued  from  that  fearful  chasm  known  to  legislators 
as  "  the  table,"  deleted  of  its  impossible  conditions 
and  passed. 


A    NEW  "  LOG.  I29 

Another  reason  why  I  doubt  its  being  ordnance  is 
my  inability  to  see  how  it  could,  in  its  present  incom- 
plete state,  be  utilized  for  speed  in  long  journeys  ;  as 
one  would,  after  having  fired  himself  a  dozen  miles 
or  so,  be  under  the  necessity  of  pulling  himself  to- 
gether, brushing  the  dust  from  his  clothes,  washing 
the  powder  from  his  eyes,  and  walking  back  to  re- 
load himself. 

Another  thing  that  troubles  me  is  the  Herald's  saying 
that  "  if  that  Psycho  hangs  on,  his  train  will  roll  into 
Tacoma,"  etc.  This  would,  looked  at  superficially, 
appear  as  though  it  is  a  contrivance  to  facilitate 
land  travel  ;  but  I  am  in  hopes  that  he  was  only  just 
taking  it  home  with  him,  to  '  ave  it  handy  in  case 
Verne  or  Miss  Bly  should  start  again  ;  and  that  the 
miscarriage  in  point  of  "  rolling "  to  the  winning 
post,  hinted  at  in  case  of  its  falling  off  the  train,  may 
simply  mean  that  he  would  probably  return  to  search 
for  if. 

It  is  perhaps  useless  for  me  to  conjecture  as  to 
what  it  may  be,  but  I  have  found  out  a  little  about 
what  it  is  not.  It  is  evidently  not  for  measuring  the 
distance  or  rate  travelled,  because  he  mentions  the 
latest  contrivance  for  that  purpose  when  he  an- 
nounces that  he  can  beat  all  previous  records  as  easy 
as  one  can  "  roll  off  a  slippery  log."  My  log  is  not 
slippery  ;  but  just  a  brass  casting,  with  fans  or  wings, 
which  cause  it  to  "  roll  "  itself,  when  drawn  through 
the  water  ;  and  attached  to  a  line  which  turns  the 
hands  of  a  clock-like  contrivance,  fastened  to  the 
taffrail. 


130  NOT    DISCOURAGED. 

Many  years  ago  we  used  one  made  of  wood,  which, 
after  long  use  in  salt  water,  became  very  slippery  ; 
but  we  used  to  "  reel  "  that  kind  off,  and  as  the  word 
used  here  is  very  distinctly  "  roll,"  it  is  probably 
a  new  kind,  within  reach  of  British  steamers,  but 
inaccessible  to  us  until  we  have  some  less  conditional, 
and  more  successful  legislation. 

Another  thing  that  is  distinctly  said  about  it  is, 
that  it  is  "  no  slouch."  I  haven't  a  clear  idea  what  was 
meant  to  be  conveyed  by  this  word,  in  this  connec- 
tion, but  suppose  it  must  be  used  technically  and  un- 
derstood by  editors  and  people  on  shore  ;  as  it  is  also 
applied  to  Mr.  Train  himself.  The  only  definition 
given  it,  as  a  noun,  in  my  little  dictionary,  is  "  hang- 
ing down."  This  would  not  apply  to  a  man,  as  they 
almost  invariably  hang  up,  when  they  hang  at  all. 

I  hope  he  made  sufficient  money  on  horse  railroads 
to  pay  those  enormous  sums  for  "  specials,"  but  if 
they  did  not  pay  him  better  than  "  Tramways  "  did, 
I  am  afraid  that  proud  Tacoma  will  be  under  the 
necessity  of  starting  a  contribution  box  for  him  to 
build  up  with. 

Well,  I  have  surely  lost  the  race  this  time,  even  if 
that  Psycho  dropped  off  on  the  Michigan  Southern, 
and  was  not  missed  until  descending  the  palisades 
of  the  Cascade  Range  ;  and  the  gallant  traveller  was 
forced  to  walk  back,  recover  it,  and  carry  it  in  his 
arms  to  his  Far  Western  destination  ;  but  as  I  like 
the  injunction  "  never  say  die,"  and  wish  to  arrive 
before  my  mother  forgets  who  I  am,  I  shall  continue 
to  trim  what  canvas  I  have  remaining  to  the  present 


NOT    DISCOURAGED.  131 

passing  zephyr,  expose  my  dishevelled  yards  to  the 
future  stern  Nor'wester,  that  usually  greets  me 
when  I  approach  "  My  own,  my  native  land,"  reap  the 
meagre  second  prize  that  awaits  me  if  the  fell  Mc- 
Kinley  has  not  yet  ruined  my  consignee,  and  add 
one  to  the  gloomy  countenances  that  reflect  the 
despair  of  those  who  languish  in  the  Maritime  Ex- 
change ;  and  which  gloom  is  now,  probably,  deeper 
in  consequence  of  the  quickly  fading  hope  that  arose 
at  sight  of  the  aurora  that  faintly  struggled  to  shine 
on  us  from  Washington. 

May  Mr.  T.  long  live  to  enjoy  his  victory,  and  may 
the  sly  coal  merchant  refrain  from  dazzling,  with  his 
shining  gold,  the  eyes  of  my  bereaved  owners,  until 
I  have  had  a  chance  to  try  him  another  race,  or,  at 
least,  till  I  have  earned  another  row  of  shingles  to 
cover  the  hut  that,  let  us  hope,  is  to  shelter  my  de- 
clining years  from  "the  sunshine  and  the  rain." 


CHAPTER   XIX. 

AN    EXPLORER    TO    BE    MARRIED. 

I  note  that  the  great  explorer,  Mr.  Henry  M. 
Stanley,  is  about  to  be  married  ;  and  that  his  future 
lady  has  announced  her  intention  to  accompany  him 
on  his  subsequent  expeditions.  This  is  the  most 
cheerful  news  that  has  been  culled  from  the  con- 
glomerate mass  of  which  I  have  so  long  been  a  stu- 
dent. It  causes  a  lonely  navigator  to  heave  a  sigh 
— not  for  the  hackneyed  and  vain  conjecture  about 
"  what  might  have  been,"  but  the  new  and  hopeful 
one  of  "  what  may  yet  be." 

Perhaps  one  of  the  principal  causes  why  the  writer 
has  not  closely  studied  the  matrimonial  market, 
whenever  opportunity  offered,  is  because  of  the  ter- 
rible difference  between  the  vast  "  all  "  which  is 
offered  to  the  fair  chosen  one  by  the  mighty  masters 
of  courtship  and  acres,  of  sentiment  and  position,  of 
eloquence  and  wealth,  and  of  assurance  and  charms, 
with  which  fiction — and  perhaps  life — somewhere — 
abounds  ;  and  the  sad  "little"  to  be  laid  on  the  altar 
by  the  master  of  rudeness  and  barbarism,  of  dullness 
and  solitude,  of  ennui  and  privation,  and  of  diffi- 
dence and  roughness. 

But  here  is  an  example  of  "  Heroineism  "  that  gives 
one  courage.  Why  should  not  a  lady  brave  the 
chance  of  arraying  herself  in  a  "  suit  "  from  the  slop 
chest — instead   of   from   Worth — and    help  out   of  a 


DOUBTFUL    EQUALITY.  133 

nocturnal  emergency  by  baling  water  from  the  cabin 
floor  (as  the  writer  has  witnessed  in  the  days  of  mate- 
hood)  as  well  as  to  risk  being  clad  in  jackal  and 
hyena — instead  of  seal — skins,  and,  while  standing 
behind  the  sheltering  wagon  of  a  caravan,  load  and 
pass  muskets  to  her  warlike  husband  when  engaged 
in  despatching  Zulus  and  Ashantees  ? 

Why  should  she  more  fear  association  with  the 
civilized  Cannibals,  who,  when  the  ship  arrives,  rush 
to  a  metaphorical  feast  on  her  husband's  earthly 
substance,  than  to  fear  having  her  society  limited  to 
those  tattooed  ones  of  the  Savage  State,  who  arc 
liable,  at  any  time,  to  serve  him  up  literally  ? 

To  be  sure  it  is  not  so  exciting  to  witness  the  catch- 
ing of  a  dolphin,  porpoise  or  shark,  or  to  see  the 
occasional  spout  of  a  whale,  as  to  partake  of  the 
lively  sport  of  despatching  lions,  hippopotami  and 
giraffes,  or  listening  to  the  roar  of  primeval  ele- 
phants ;  but  as  some  ladies  are  more  easily  satisfied 
than  others,  I  may  hope  that  those  may  be  found 
who  would  be  willing  to  dispense  with  the  latter 
recreation. 

I  suppose  Mr.  Stanley's  habit  of  spending  his 
"off"  time  in  Courts  and  palaces  has  given  him 
more  polish  than  is  to  be  acquired  in  ship 
chandlers'  shops  and  brokers'  offices ;  but  I  have 
dined  with  the  Premier  of  Quebec,  seen  Lord 
Stanley  of  Preston,  and  have  raised  my  hat  to  the 
Queen  of  Portugal  ;  and  I  could  buy  a  new  razor 
and  carry  a  comb  and  hair  brush  on  my  future  voy- 
ages. 


134  HOPEFUL. 

We  have  the  weather  pretty  hot,  sometimes,  and 
often  pretty  cold  ;  but  if  we  are  to  believe  Mr.  Hag- 
gard, they  have  both  in  Africa.  If  we  do  not  cor- 
rectly locate  Yellow  Jack,  and  promote  the  mate  for 
a  voyage,  there  is  danger  in  that  ;  but  I  think  that  I 
have  read  that  miasma  flourishes  in  the  "  Dark  Con- 
tinent." We  cannot  kill  venison  for  the  table  every 
day,  but  we  can  carry  coffee  and  flour,  and  not  de- 
sert these  necessaries  of  life  at  the  instance  of  a 
dead — or  out  of  pity  for  a  lame — mule.  We  do  not 
carry  a  Maxim  Gun,  but  in  these  days  of  disguised 
pirates  there  is  not  much  use  for  one.  It  is  held  un- 
lawful for  us  to  shoot  those  who  board  us  in  civilized 
harbors,  and  those  of  the  open  sea  have  passed 
away.  A  smaller  weapon  is,  in  these  days  of  double 
topsails  and  small  crews,  sufficient  to  slay  an  ade- 
quate number  of  sailors  to  partially  allay  the  blood- 
thirsty spirit  ascribed  to  us,  and  leave  enough  to 
work  ship.  Mr.  Stanley  has  a  Parliament  at  his 
back,  but  we  have  a  Congress  beckoning  us  to  stay 
at  home,  and  not  further  risk  life  and  money  in  a  use- 
less struggle. 

We  also  have  a  "  West  "  to  go  to,  if  we  can  find 
the  way  ;  and  where  we  can  live — if  we  always  "  get 
the  drop." 

I  hope  that  my  lady  friends  will  take  all  these 
things  into  consideration,  and  try  to  emulate  the  fair 
Miss  Tennant  by  giving  me  more  encouragement  ; 
or,  in  the  language  of  one  Cuttle,  contemporary  of 
he  of  the  Channel  Fleet — "  throw  out  a  signal."  I 
am  sorry  that    I  have   not  a  phonograph,   like  the 


HOPEFUL.  135 

great  inland  explorer,  in  order  that  we  might  bag  up 
reminiscences  to  carry  on  our  voyages  ;  but  perhaps 
my  old  lady  friends,  who  have  pined  for  years  to  see 
me  impaled,  may  throw  one  in  among  the  wedding 
presents.  Perhaps  if  I  have  any  money  remaining 
after  buying  my  Psycho,  I  will  buy  one. 


CHAPTER  XX. 
AMEkICAN    women. 

I  see  that  Max  O'Rell  has  come  to  the  front,  to 
give  us  another  lift  out  of  the  ridiculous  position 
we  occupy  in  the  estimation  of  many  who  aspire 
to  literature  in  the  outer  world  ;  I  refer  to  his  com- 
parison of  American  women  with  others. 

I  have  often  wondered  why  I  have  never  met  the 
American  woman  of  the  British  stage,  anywhere  ex- 
cept in  a  British  theatre.  •  I  thought  that  perhaps  my 
American  eye  would  not  allow  me  to  detect  the 
coarseness  which  the  English  dramatist  usually  gives 
to  this  character  ;  but  here  is  a  foreigner,  who  ap- 
pears not  to  have  been  able  to  find  her,  by  extensive 
travel  in  our  country. 

I  have  sat  at  a  hotel  table  with  the  chief  actor  of 
a  play  that  I  had  seen  on  the  previous  evening,  and 
asked  him  if  he  had  ever  travelled  in  the  United 
States.  He  answered  that  he  had  played  there  for 
years. 

I  then  asked  him  how  he  dared  risk  his  reputation 
by  walking  the  stage  with  an  American  heiress, 
who  was  treating  members  of  the  English  Aristoc- 
racy to  language  more  rude  than  any  that  he 
had  heard  any  American  woman  use,  even  in  the 
most  rustic  society  that  he  had  ever  seen  on  our  Con- 
tinent ;  in  face  of  the  fact,  which  he  must  know,  that 
when  an  American  girl's  father  "  strikes  ile,"  and  she 


WHY    DOES    IT   "CO    DOWN*'?  T37 

is  suddenly  brought  into  contact  with  refinement  to 
which  she  has  not  been  accustomed,  instead  of  treat- 
ing her  new  associates  to  the  most  boisterous  and 
rude  language  that  she  can  possibly  command,  she 
maintains  the  silence  which  is  proverbially  "  golden," 
until  she  has  not  only  learned  what  to  say,  but  ex- 
actly how  to  say  it  (which  time,  according  to  our 
French  champion,  is  very  short  indeed). 

He  admitted  that  he  had  never  seen  a  model  from 
which  to  fashion  the  uncouth  caricature  by  which 
he  had  been  supported,  but  summed  up  the  reason 
of  his  toleration  in  the  words  "  it  goes  down." 

I  hope  that  the  British  metropolitan  stage  (about 
which  I  know  nothing)  allows  a  place  for  a  different 
character  to  represent  a  race  of  women  to  which  this 
Parisian  critic  gives  one  of  the  first  places  in  the 
world,  or  I  shall  fear  its  not  "  going  down  "  much 
longer. 

I  suppose  that  these  authors,  having  been  used 
to  representing  their  own  parvenus  as  loudly  pro- 
testing their  equality  in  language  which  disproves 
what  they  say,  think  that,  as  Americans  often  have 
less  notice  of  Fortune's  smiles  than  they,  it  is  neces- 
sary to  increase  this  vulgar  trait,  in  the  same  ratio  as 
that  of  the  accession  to  wealth  ;  and  do  not  stop  to 
consider  that  Yankee  invention  often  suggests  a  to- 
tally new  scheme  for  immediately  arriving  at  a  suc- 
cess that  others  have  long  been  struggling  in  vain  to 
approach. 

It  is  cheering  to  learn  that  the  American  husband 
is  only   to,  like  a  well-trained   mastiff,  follow   in  the 


I38  A    DIFFICULT    TOPIC. 

wake  of  his  "  Queen  "  ;  and  not,  like  his  French  rival 
in  the  great  work  of  establishing  feminine  supremacy, 
be  "  led  by  the  nose  "  through  life. 

I  am  glad  that  it  is  in  France,  and  not  in  America, 
where  beauty  is  a  crime.  I  do  not  like  criminals, 
and  to  gaze  on  beauty,  after  three  or  four  months  of 
an  uninterrupted  view  of  shaggy  countenances  of 
leather,  is  one  of  the  rarest  luxuries  to  which  I  aspire. 
I  believe  that  the  commander  of  the  Cautious  Clara 
was  not  free  from  this  weakness. 

I  am  also  glad  that  it  is  in  France  that  one  newly 
introduced  to  a  lady,  must  talk  of  the  latest  bonnet, 
or  prove  his  good  breeding  by  keeping  silence.  The 
latter  is  not  much  in  my  line  when  an  opportunity 
offers  of  breaking  it  (which  is  rare),  and,  though  I 
have  been  so  struck  with  horror  at  new  shapes  in 
bonnets  and  hats,  as  to  immediately  write  and  beg 
my  sisters  to  put  theirs  in  the  box,  and  wear  the  old 
ones  until  I  had  sailed,  I  am  afraid  that  my  discus- 
sion of  them  when  only  just  arrived,  and  when  most 
in  need  of  a  gleam  of  sunshine  from  bright  eyes, 
would  be  far  from  eloquent. 

If  Mr.  O'Rell  thinks  that  the  "  flutter  at  school  " 
is  confined  to  France,  it  is  because  when  he  studied 
the  subject  in  the  United  States,  he  did  not  stay  long 
enough.  He  should  have  remained  until  a  "new 
neighbor  "  had  arrived  in  the  district,  to  send  to 
school  a  fair  young  "  Helen,"  to  rule  her  many  ad- 
mirers with  the  imperious  bearing  of  a  Duchess. 

He  should  have  seen  the  youthful  cherub,  who  had 
but  lately  contemptuously  passed  a  familiar  bevy  of 


NOT    ENVIOUS.  139 

fair  young  maidens  who  were  timidly  hoping  for  a 
"  slide,"  sitting  with  his  largest  book  (his  "  Gogfry  ") 
between  himself  and  the  "  master,"  gazing  with  the 
mellow  eye  of  Romeo  at  the  fair  queen  across  the 
aisle,  or  glaring  with  the  blazing  orb  of  Othello  at 
some  lucky  urchin  who  was  the  possessor  of  a  larger 
and  more  tempting  "  sled  "  than  his  own. 

He  would,  at  the  same  time,  perhaps,  have  had 
his  present  admiration  of  American  girls  increased 
by  seeing  the  above  mentioned  bevy  swallow  their 
disappointment  at  not  getting  the  desired  "  slide," 
and  gather  around  the  fair  stranger,  offering  her  an 
affection  as  pure  as  a  lily — as  free  from  malice  as  full 
of  devotion. 


CHAPTER  XXI. 

THE  "  INK    SLINGER." 

There  seem  to  be  more  kinds  of  courage  among 
men  of  this  world,  than  there  are  colors  in  the  rain- 
bow. 

When  one  of  Dumas'  characters  was  about  to  en- 
gage in  an  insurrectionary  war,  he  was  complimented 
on  his  well-known  courage.  He  answered  that  when 
standing  beside  King  Louis,  and  that  Monarch  said, 
"  Gentlemen  of  France,  advance!  "  he  was  brave 
enough  ;  but  that  it  might  be  a  different  case  when 
he  should  be  ordered  to  "  advance  "  on  the  son  of  that 
King,  "  wearing  the  same  Cordon  Bleu  "  in  which 
his  father  led  his  armies  to  victory. 

Perhaps,  in  this  view  of  the  great  quality — which 
seems  to  indicate  that  its  stability  is  tested  by  the 
unpopularity  of  the  "  Cause  " — the  most  courage- 
ous man  of  modern  times,  is  "  Jack  the  ink  slinger." 
Here  we  have  a  man  who  is  not  only  ready  to 
brave  the  indignation  of  the  world  of  loveliness,  but 
who  cannot  expect  one  note  of  approval  from  Mon- 
arch or  boot-black — from  Duchess  or  cinder  wench. 

The  lion  stalks  alone  in  search  of  his  prey  ;  but  his 
mate  and  cubs  are  in  the  vicinity,  and  ready  to  join 
in  the  feast  attending  victory,  or  to  howl  with  grief 
over  the  remains  of  their  dead  warrior,  in  case  of  de- 
feat ;  but  this  courageous  being  must  even  keep  the 
dread  secret  from  "  the  wife  of  his  bosom." 


HECATE    OUTDONE.  141 

The  most  hopeless  specimen  of  womankind  which 
this  world  affords,  might  be  ready  to  destroy  the  fair 
possessor  of  an  elegant  "suit,"  or  to  brave  jails  and 
penitentiaries  by  stealing  it  ;  but  to  countenance  the 
application  of  one  spot  which  shall  detract  from  the 
beauty  of  the  adored  Deity — Never  ! 

If  this  man  is  sane,  as  appears  to  be  the  opinion  of 
those  who  arrested  him,  what  mysterious  mission  can 
he  have  in  hand,  that  urges  him  to  destroy  what  fills 
the  rest  of  us  with  reverence  and  awe,  second  only  to 
that  which  we  feel  for  things  not  of  this  world  ? 

If,  as  seems  to  be  the  decision  of  the  Herald,  he  is 
a  monomaniac,  in  what  part  of  the  realms  of  Pluto — 
the  furies  of  which  relented  at  the  music  of  Orpheus 
— could  be  found  a  fiend  black  enough  to  lead  him 
to  this?  To  one  who  has  resisted  the  soul-stirring 
notes  of  a  Strauss  waltz,  tkrough  the  fear  of  bringing 
his  web  feet  into  a  collision  which  might  result  in 
soiling  the  most  obscure  hem,  or  disarranging  the  most 
immaterial  "  tuck,"  it  seems  as  if  a  drop  of  "dew 
profound,"  plucked  from  the  "  corner  "  of  Sirius  him- 
self, could  not  be  distilled  into  a  "  Hell  broth," 
which  could  produce  such  a  monstrous  imp  of  Satan. 

The  Herald  recommends  that  "  as  he  has  sailed  into 
the  north  of  my  lady's  opinion,"  he  be  "  frozen  into 
an  icicle*  ;  "  but  I  think  this  course  is  unsafe. 

*"  Ink  in  the  wrong  place.  There  seems  to  be  very  little  doubt 
that  John  Connors,  with  the  hollow  eyes  *  *  *  is  the  dreaded 
and  original  '  Ink  Slinger.'  The  chances  are  that  the  fellow  is  a 
crank,  a  monomaniac  *  *  *  Well,  whether  cracked  or  crazy, 
every  woman  in  this  city  wants  him  put  where  he  can't  spoil  any 


142  AN    UNSAFE    PENALTY. 

There  have  been  cases  of  resuscitation  after  the 
subject  has  been  frozen  until  all  evidence  of  life 
has  disappeared  ;  and  I  think  this  a  case  that  deserves 
the  most  hopeless  extermination,  "without  benefit  of 
clergy." 

Another  reason  for  objection  is,  that  I  am  afraid 
this  is  not  a  case  which  "  my  lady "  would  treat 
with  the  mighty  freezing  disdain  of  which  she  is  such 
a  complete  mistress,  when  the  occasion  suits  ;  and  that 
he  would  escape  the  penalty,  in  consequence  of  the 
thermometer  being  too  high. 

I  should  judge  that  Vesuvius  or  Stromboli  would 
better  furnish  an  illustration  of  her  state  of  mind  in 
this  connection  ;  unless,  indeed,  we  consider  "  the 
North"  as  referring  to  the  geysers  of  Iceland,  and 
recommend  the  fate  of  the  lobster,  in  lieu  of  that  of 
the  cool  and  comfortable  looking  icicle. 

I  should  allow  him  a  trial,  the  same  as  though  he 
were  a  Christian  fellow  being.  If  he  be  found  sane, 
and  fails  to  show  that  he  has  been  impelled  to  this 
seemingly  unpardonable  course  by  some  ministering 
angel,  in  order  to  bring  about  some  great  benefit 
beyond  the  "ken  "  of  human  vision,  I  would  grant  a 
temporary  dispensation  in  my  opinion  of  the  new  mode 
of  capital  punishment,  and  heartily  endorse  his  being 
chained  to  a  thunder-cloud,  until  his  sacrilegious 
hand  has  been  reduced  to  charcoal. 

If  found  insane,  I  recommend  his  being  confined  in 

more  pretty  dresses.  He  has  '  sailed  into  the  north  of  my  lady's 
opinion,'  and  the  sooner  he  is  frozen  into  an  icicle  the  better  for 
all  concerned." — Neiu  York  Herald. 


A    SAFE    ONE.  143 

one  of  the  asylums,  various  accounts  of  which  are 
to  be  found  in  the  Herald,  where  a  lack  of  fire 
escapes  will  insure  his  reduction  to  the  same  consist- 
ency, in  a  very  few  years. 

And  now  having  "  slung  ink  "  in  a  direction  which, 
let  us  hope,  will  cause  it  to  be  better  received  by  her 
ladyship  than  that  of  the  one  just  discussed,  I  will 
pass  on  to  the  consideration  of  the  Herald  advertise- 
ments. 


CHAPTER  XXII. 

ADVERTISEMENTS. 

I  am  interested  to  learn  that  the  people  ashore 
actually  read  the  Herald  advertisements  ;  and  even 
go  so  far  as  to  answer  them  sometimes;  I  did  not  know 
but  that  they  were,  perhaps,  put  in  for  people  to  read 
at  sea,  after  everything  else  is  finished  ;  and  to  con- 
sole mariners,  by  showing  them  how  "  hard  up  "  every- 
body seems  to  be  on  shore. 

Another  hypothesis  was,  that  it  greatly  facilitated 
getting  at  the  news,  if  we  just  have  three  or  four 
sheets  on  the  outside,  that  can  be  taken  off  and 
thrown  away. 

I  have  often  found  those  outside  sheets  handy,  when 
a  friend,  or  the  man  who  can  never  find  a  newsboy, 
asks  for  a  part  of  the  paper.  One  can  then  make  him- 
self believe  that  he  is  the  soul  of  generosity,  and  yet 
keep  nearly  all  of  it  for  himself. 

But  I  see  in  a  copy  of  the  paper,  an  engraving 
which  represents  a  crowd  rushing  to  answer  them, 
while  another  is  represented  as  being  busily  engaged 
in  putting  them  in.  This  explains  something  that  has 
always  troubled  me.  I  could  never  see  how  the 
people  got  the  money  to  pay  for  them  ;  excepting, 
perhaps,  the  man  who  advertises  "money  to  loan." 

I  can  see,  now,  that  the  "  young  girl  just  landed," 
and  the  "  obliging  young  Irishman,"  are  not  the  same 
persons  week  after  week,  and  month  after  month.     If 


DO    THEY    GIVE    "  LIBERTY  "  ?  I45 

people  would  form  the  habit  of  putting  their  names 
to  their  advertisements,  it  would  not  be  so  misleading 
to  one  who  tries  to  learn  what  is  going  on  on  shore. 
Of  course  !  I  see  it  all  now.  I  suppose  young  girls 
are  ahvays  landing  ;  and  probably  there  are  plenty  of 
"  obliging  "  young  Irishmen  on  shore,  as  that  kind 
rarely  go  to  sea. 

But  there  is  one  man  that  I  think  must  be  the  same 
one  all  the  time  ;  and  that  is  the  one  with  the  seven 
hundred  and  fifty  dollar  piano,  which  he  will  sacrifice, 
if  immediately  called  for,  at  about  two  hundred.  One 
would  suppose  that  he  would  sell  it  immediately  ;  and 
I  should  think  that  this  was  the  case,  and  that  there 
was  a  new  one  every  day,  if  it  were  not  for  the  fact 
that  every  one  does  not  pay  so  high  a  price,  and  sell 
so  soon,  at  such  a  sacrifice  ;  they  find  it  cheaper  to 
rent  one.  This  is  why  I  arrived  at  the  above  con- 
clusion. 

The  advertisements  of  board  and  lodging  employ 
much  of  my  time.  I  read  them  over,and  vaguely  wonder 
whether  or  not  any  of  the  advertisers  are  like  Mrs. 
McStinger  ;  and,  if  so,  whether  a  "  blue  jacket " 
could  board  with  them,  and  get  a  few  days  leave  now 
and  then  ;  or  whether  he  would  have  to  keep  "  on 
watch,"  during  the  remainder  of  his  life.  Perhaps  one 
could,  when  she  was  out  of  temper,  take  the  precau- 
tion to  hide  his  hat,  thus  eluding  the  danger  of 
having  her  resort  to  that  established  method  of 
"  stopping  his  liberty." 

I  am  sorry  to  see  that  there  is  so  much  more  under 
"lost,"  than  "found." 


146  IS   A    "  TIP  "   SAFE  ? 

This  would,  at  first  sight,  indicate  that  the  millennium 
is  not  as  as  near  at  hand  as  some  hope  ;  but  perhaps 
much  of  what  is  lost,  goes  overboard,  and  is  seen  no 
more. 

I  see  that  many  lose  valuables  on  the  Elevated 
trains.  I  wonder  if  a  guard  on  one  of  these  would 
pick  up  a  diamond  for  himself  ;  I  mean,  of  course,  if 
it  were  his  own.  I  would  not  have  him  think,  until  I 
have  made  up  my  mind  to  stick  to  the  "  surface  cars," 
that  I  would  dream  of  his  appropriating  anything  not 
his  own.  What  suggested  the  thought  was  my  being 
sure  that  he  would  not  do  it  for  any  one  else,  even  if 
it  were  for  Queen  Victoria  herself. 

I  have  been  told  that  one  can  more  readily  find  the 
station  at  which  he  wishes  to  descend,  if  he  "tips" 
the  guard.  I  wish  some  editor  would  let  me  know, 
through  his  "  law  column,"  if  this  is  so.  If  Franklin 
was  anywhere  near  right  in  his  estimation  of  the  old 
haymaker,  I  could  afford  a  great  deal  of  money  in 
exchange  for  what  time  I  lose  in  that  way  ;  but  I 
want  an  authentic  opinion,  before  I  offer  anything 
that  may  be  looked  upon  as  an  indignity,  by  those 
whom  I  have  regarded  as  but  little  inferior  to 
Dukes. 

I  would  like  to  know  if  the  man  who  advertises  for 
a  partner  with  a  few  thousand  dollars — with  a  promise 
of  doubling  it  for  him  almost  immediately — ever  gets 
one.  It  seems  a  pity  to  let  such  chances  slip,  and  I 
always  feel  impatient  at  the  man  who,  in  the  next 
space  below,  offers  a  few  hundred  thousand  at  a  piti- 
ful rate  of  interest. 


ELUDING    THE    "  DUENNA.  147 

Why  do  not  the  two  work  together,  get  rich  as 
soon  as  they  like,  and  let  unoffending  people  have  a 
chance  to  breathe  in  peace. 

The  most  interesting  of  all,  is  the  column  of  "  Per- 
sonals." There  are  some  of  these  that  I  am  sure  are 
never  answered.  When  a  man  pays  for  the  insertion 
of  an  advertisement  that  is  to  inform  the  public  that 
he  would  like  to  correspond  with,  or  form  the  acquain- 
tance of,  a  "  stout  "  lady,  he  should  be  punished  for 
robbing  the  poor.  They  always  need  the  money,  and  it 
ought  to  be  held  a  crime  to  waste  it,  while  any  lack 
the  necessaries  of  life. 

Some  of  those  under  this  head,  suggest  that  par- 
ents in  Gotham  still  resort  to  practices  of  old  ;  and 
one  mentally  sees  the  steadfast  old  nurse,  patiently 
plodding  toward  the  Herald  office,  with  the  amount 
of  her  last  settlement  of  wages  tied  in  the  corner  of 
her  handkerchief,  and  bearing,  in  the  hem  of  her  gown, 
a  piece  of  tissue  paper,  on  which  is  pricked  with  a 
pin,  "  H.  Ever  thine.   Hope.  E." 

The  call  for  lost  heirs  makes  one  wish  that  he  had 
not  so  carefully  studied  his  genealogical  tree,  that  he 
might  have  a  little  hope. 

Has  any  one  ever  seen  the  man  who  advertises  for 
a  chance  to  meet  "  a  lady  of  means  "  with  a  view  to 
matrimony  ?  There  are  many  of  us  that  can  get  up 
a  passing  interest  in  chat  kind  of  a  creature  ;  but  I 
want  to  have  a  good  look  at  the  man  who  has  the  as- 
surance to  admit  it,  and  the  faith  to  ask  her  to  assist 
him  in  the  search,  to  the  extent  of  writing  to  "  Un- 
known "  at  the  Herald  office  where  she  can  be  found 


148  AUTHORSHIP    UNDER    DIFFICULTIES. 

If  he  ever  succeeds,  I  would  promise  to  forego  the 
Drama  for  upwards  of  a  year,  for  the  privilege  of  being 
present  at  the  first  interview. 

The  most  tempting  of  all  those  that  I  read,  just 
now,  when  the  weather  is  hot,  the  pen  rusty,  and  the 
ink  muddy,  is  that  of  the  young  lady  typewriter,  who 
announces  that  she  owns  a  "  Remington." 

Who  would  not  be  an  author,  for  such  Heaven  as  to 
sit  in  as  many  chairs  as  he  pleases,  and  murmur  the 
words  which  otherwise  cost  so  much  labor,  into  the 
delicate  ear  of  the  stenographic  expert ;  and  then 
sleep  tranquilly  to  the  music  of  the  machine,  while 
she  puts  them  into  a  shape  which  a  printer  may  hope 
to  decipher?  instead  of  sitting  erect  (?)  at  a  desk, 
ready  to — on  the  ship  giving  that  peculiar  tremor, 
which  causes  the  experienced  navigator  to  prepare 
for  the  emergency  which  precipitates  the  landsman — 
without  warning — into  the  "  lee  scuppers  " — brace 
against  anything  that  may  promise  temporary  sup- 
port, and  at  the  same  time  prepare  to  establish  "a 
change  of  base  "  when  she  rolls  the  other  way  ? 


CHAPTER  XXIII. 

JUVENILE    CELEBRATIONS. 

"  Little  boy — Big  joy, 
Little  gun — Big  fun. 

Gunbu'st!  Boy  dust." 

I  note  that  the  boys  still  celebrate  the  anniversary 
of  Independence  in  the  old  and  established  manner, 
at  the  expense  of  hair  and  eyes  ;  though  they  have 
the  advantage  of  improved  methods  of  ruining  them, 
and  can  command  higher  explosives  than  were  en- 
joyed in  my  celebrations. 

I  used  always  to  feel  more  patriotic  when  my  eye- 
lashes were  all  gone,  and  when  my  face  was  smarting 
from  contact  with  detonating  gunpowder ;  but  I 
should  think  that  the  boy  who  tried  the  effect  of  a 
fire  cracker  in  an  alcohol  barrel,  and  subsequently 
gathered  up  what  remained  of  himself  from  the  pave- 
ment of  a  neighboring  street,  might  safely  be  trusted 
to  frame  a  new  Constitution. 

This  is  a  great  improvement  since  my  time,  as  we 
were  always  limited  to  the  plantation  cider  barrel,  or 
a  molasses  hogshead  at  the  neighboring  cross-roads  ; 
which  only  served  to  make  the  sound  more  resonant, 
and  usually  left  us  physically  whole. 

This  process  of  boys  resolving  themselves  into 
their  component  parts,  is  so  common  as  to  make  one 
wonder  where  we  get  all  of  our  men  from  ;  but  the 
story  of  the  men  who  came  to  grief  in  the  attempt  to 


150  CHICAGO'S   ADVANTAGE. 

repair  the  lack  of  ordnance  by  utilizing  a  tree,  seems 
to  be  rather  irregular,  and  reminds  me  of  once  when 
a  patriotic  second  mate  who  intended  to  simply  give 
us  a  moonlight  salute,  shot  off  the  top-gallant 
stud'n's'l  halliards,  and  treated  us  to  a  balloon  de- 
scension  at  the  same  time  ;  causing  an  unappreciative 
Russian  to  "  growl  "  for  months,  because  we  were,  in 
consequence,  forced  to  spend  the  Independence  dog 
watch  in  re-reeving  gear,  and  re-inflating  the  balloon. 

Why  would  it  not  be  well,  in  the  present  unpro- 
tected condition  of  our  coast,  to  entrust  the  torpedo 
system  to  the  American  boy  ?  I  know  that  in  my  day 
of  celebrating,  all  that  we  needed  was  a  generous 
Government  to  furnish  the  dynamite,  and  if  we  did 
not  make  explosions  which  would  cause  an  "  Invin- 
cible Armada  "  to  tack  at  the  sixtieth  meridian,  it 
would  be  because  we  had  all  found  early  graves,  and 
there  were  no  survivors  to  light  a  fuse. 

I  see  that  the  Herald  vaguely  murmurs  at  the  din, 
and  darkly  hints  at  devastating  fires  ;  but  has  it  not 
learned  that  fires  are  the  thing  ?  and  that  all  we  have 
to  do  is  to  burn  a  city  up,  and  a  Phoenix  arises  from 
the  ashes  to  rule  the  country  ? 

Perhaps  a  good  fire  in  New  York,  might  result  in 
aiding  that  journal's  work  of  purification  ;  and  make 
that  city  powerful  enough  to  save  the  Government 
the  trouble  of  jumping  the  "  Great  Navigator's" 
fleet  over  Niagara  Falls,  to  get  them  to  the  next 
World's  Fair. 


CHAPTER  XXIV. 

ANNEXATION. 

I  am  pleased  to  learn  that  M.  Mercier,  Premier  of 
Quebec,  is  in  favor  of  "  annexation  ;  "  and  hope  that 
he  goes  in  for  the  right  kind  now. 

When  I  met  him  a  few  years  ago  he  favored  it,  but 
suggested  that  the  United  States  be  annexed  to 
Canada. 

This  did  not  exactly  suit  me,  as  I  like  the  color  of 
our  flag  best  ;  but  perhaps  it  would  suit  the  brewers, 
and  give  us  equally  good  beer.  I  did  not  know 
about  the  beer  then,  having  always  taken  mine  with- 
out asking  questions,  for  fear  that  delay  might  cause 
it  to  "  lose  its  head  "  ;  or  I  might  have  cautioned  him, 
in  case  of  his  deciding  to  come  over  to  our  side,  and 
if  Sir  John  A.  did  not  hide  his  hat,  or  otherwise  "  stop 
his  liberty,"  to  be  sure  to  bring  his  barley  along  with 
him.  I  think  that  he  would  make  a  good  Congress- 
man, as  he  was  a  very  eloquent  speaker. 

I  heard  him  speak  for  half  an  hour,  and  never  saw 
an  eye  in  his  audience  leave  his  face  during  the  time. 
This  is  why  I  thought  him  eloquent.  As  his  speech 
was  in  the  French  language,  I  did  not  understand 
any  of  it  myself. 

Annexation  would  also  be  handy  in  settling  the 
fishery  question.  I  am  interested  about  that,  as  I 
went  out  cod  fishing  one  day  and  got  two  big  ones. 

We  could  also  tell  those  fellows  when  to  stop  chas- 


152  DIFFICULT    NAVAL    CONSTRUCTION. 

ing  seals  ;  and  if  they  did  not  do  it,  we  could  just 
blow  them  out  of  water,  and  then  not  have  the  incon- 
venience of,  in  consequence,  building  battle-ships 
under  fire. 

I  have  heard  of  soldiers  playing  euchre  in  the  rifle 
pits  under  fire,  and  always  thought  that  it  would  be 
fun  ;  especially  if  the  officers  thought  cards  wicked  ; 
but  I  never  thought  that  I  would  like  to  build  a 
battleship,  with  Krupp  guns  knocking  everybody's 
hammers  out  of  their  reach,  every  time  they  put  them 
down  to  get  a  smoke. 

I  don't  understand  why  Jay  Gould  doesn't  buy 
Canada  in.  If  Max  O'Rell's  figures  were  anywhere 
near  right,  several  years  ago,  he  must  soon  have 
enough  money  to  buy  in  another  planet — with  the 
satellites. 

It  would  give  him  a  chance  to  get  the  manage- 
ment of  another  little  piece  of  Railroad,  and  it  would 
give  us  tone  to  have  the  Queen  wire  us  when  she 
wants  a  "  special"  for  one  of  her  boys  to  come  home 
on. 

I  am  afraid  that  I  am  on  a  question  that  I  do  not 
know  much  about,  but  I  just  wish  to  let  Monsieur 
know  that  he  is  welcome  whenever  he  likes  to  come. 
He  speaks  English  at  the  dinner-table,  and  that  of 
the  liveliest  kind  ;  and  appears  to  have  been  at  sea 
enough  to  understand,  when  ladies  are  scarce,  who 
is  in  the  greatest  need  of  a  smile. 

If  Sir  John  does  not  agree  to  it,  then  I  suppose  we 
must  just  do  as  well  as  we  can  on  what  beer  we  can 
get  ;  and  if  we  cannot  prove  that  Russia  sold  us  the 


CONSOLATION.  153 

North  Pacific,  perhaps  the  safest  course  to  pursue, 
until  we  get  the  pensions  all  paid,  and  get  the 
Tallapoosa  somewhere  where  coal  is  cheap,  and 
have  a  few  dollars  left  to  buy  guns,  would  be  to  train 
a  few  sheep  dogs  to  keep  the  seals  in  shore. 

As  for  the  fish — well — I  did  not  catch  those  two 
myself,  anyhow  ;  I  bought  them,  after  starving  my- 
self for  hours,  and  getting  my  face  burned  to  a  cinder 
— from  an  old  French  Canadian  who  had  caught  a 
whole  boat  load.  And  I  think  that  a  fish  who  not 
only  knows  all  about  politics,  but  can  see  through 
thirty  fathoms  of  water  clearly  enough  to  learn  that 
a  Yankee  is  on  the  other  end  of  the  line,  is  too  wise 
for  a  fisherman  who  has  successfully  proved  to  the 
temporary  satisfaction  of  a  dolphin,  that  a  piece  of 
white  rag,  attached  to  a  hook,  was  a  flying  fish  ;  so 
I  shall  not  fret  if  Sir  J.  keeps  his  kind  of  fish  under 
another  flag. 


CHAPTER  XXV. 

THE    RECRIPROCITY    PROBLEM. 

It  grieves  me  to  iearn  that  Senator  Hiscock  is  an 
u  arrant  ignoramus,"  for  not  knowing  that  when  we 
would  "  sell,  we  must  buy."  I  do  not  know  him,  but 
am  aware  that  he  is  not  from  my  State.  I  am  glad 
of  this,  not  because  we  have  not  as  "  arrant "  ones  in 
our  State,  but  have  quite  enough  of  them,  and  do  not 
wish  to  crowd  the  wise  men. 

I  myself  did  not  know  this,  but  I  suppose,  not  be- 
ing a  Senator,  I  can  be  forgiven.  In  the  small  per- 
sonal matters  that  have  come  under  my  management, 
I  have  found  it  the  other  way  ;  and  if  we  would 
buy,  we  must  sell  something,  in  order  to  get  the 
money.  It  must  be  different  in  large  matters,  only 
in  those  in  which  I  have  been  engaged,  it  did  not 
appear  to  me  that  the  same  man  that  "  sold," 
"  bought." 

The  wheat  and  corn  merchants,  for  whom  I  worked 
for  years,  used  to  "  sell  "  their  cargoes  to  John  Bull 
and  those  other  fellows  over  there,  and  then  we  used 
to  "  buy  "  ballast  to  return  with. 

What  the  merchants  bought,  must  have  been  sent 
across  in  some  mysterious  manner  ;  as  my  contem- 
poraries and  myself  rarely  saw  any  of  it.  I  supposed 
it  went  by  cable,  or  in  the  mail  bags  ;  but  I  have 
never  heard  of  any  very  bulky  kinds  of  cargo  going 
by  either  of  those. 


"COALS    TO    NEWCASTLE.  155 

I  have  heard  of  a  light-weight  matter  called 
"credit,"  being  despatched  in  that  way,  and  did  not 
know  but  that  John  just  sent  that  over  to  them,  to 
buy  their  tea  and  sugar  with  ;  or  something  that  he 
did  not  have  in  his  shop.  When  I  used  to  buy  those 
articles  with  eggs,  the  man  had  them  on  hand,  and 
never  attempted  to  force  cutlery  or  hardware  on  me  ; 
but  I  suppose  it  is  different  when  they  do  not  have 
what  we  want. 

There  are  lots  of  other  people  in  the  world  who 
want  John's  goods,  and  I  cannot  see  why  they  can- 
not pay  him  money  enough  to  pay  for  his  wheat, 
and  not  leave  him  to  force  them  on  poor  unfortu- 
nates, who  have  enough  of  his  kind  at  home.  I  think 
he  would  look  rather  silly  to  go  hungry,  because  we 
will  not  employ  him  to  do  the  work  that  we  can  do 
ourselves. 

When  we  don't  find  time  to  make  our  own  iron- 
work, and  dig  our  own  coal,  he  probably  knows  that 
we  would  buy  his  as  quickly  as  anybody's  ;  but  I 
don't  believe  he  would  send  a  load  of  lumber  to  a 
saw-mill  in  the  hope  of  selling  it,  or  "  boycott "  any 
article  wrhich  the  miller  might  have,  because  he 
would  not  buy  it. 

I  have  forgotten  what  authority  the  Herald  ad- 
vanced for  the — to  me — new  motto  ;  but  I  remember 
that  it  struck  me  as  being  pretty  good  ;  so  I  shall 
simply  show  my  reasons  for  being  under  the  wrong 
impression. 

I  thought,  as  before  stated,  that  we  must  "sell  to 
buy,"  and  "  buy  to  live  "  ;  but  not  necessarily  to  buy 


156  TRIANGULAR   COMMERCE. 

of  the  same  person  to  whom  we  sold.  I  have  usually 
sold  my  services  to  whoever  would  make  the  best 
return,"and  then  bought  of  whom  I  pleased. 

I  have  carried  horse-cars  and  clothes-pins  to  Aus- 
tralia, because,  as  I  supposed,  they  did  not  have  any 
there,  and  wanted  some.  I  have  carried  their  pro- 
duce to  other  countries  that  did  not  have  that  kind 
of  their  own,  and  then  just  took  whatever  we  need  at 
home,  and  of  which  they  had  too  much,  and  brought 
it  home. 

I  never  heard  that  the  Australian  refused  to  buy 
a  clothes-pin  until  the  American  merchant  had  prom- 
ised to  buy  a  cargo  of  sugar  from  the  Philippine 
Islander,  and  at  the  same  time  to  exact  a  promise 
from  him  to  buy  the  Australian's  coal  and  flour  ;  but 
then  there  is  much  going  on  in  the  world  that  I 
never  heard  of. 

I  supposed  that  they  bought  the  pins  on  the  same 
kind  of  faith,  on  which  we  manufacture  more  than  we 
want  ourselves  ;  and  reasoned  something  after  this 
manner:  '*  We  have  coal  mines  and  flour  mills,  but 
have  no  clothes-pins.  The  'Philippino'  has  sugar, 
but  no  coal.  Jonathan  has  no  sugar.  We  will  buy 
the  pins,  let  him  buy  sugar  with  the  money,  and  the 
Philippino  will  pay  it  to  us  for  the  coal  ;  and  thus  we 
will  get  it  back.  Am  sorry  that  Jonathan  won't  buy 
our  wool  ;  but  he  grows  wool  of  his  own,  and  I  can- 
not say  that  we  want  to  buy  his.  Anyhow,  if  we 
have  to  keep  the  wool  ourselves,  we  need  the  pins  all 
the  same." 

I  have  mvself,  when  in  foreign  countries,  sold  bills 


CREDIT  EQUAL  TO  GOLD.  157 

of  exchange,  payable  in  New  York,  at  par  value  ; 
but  I  did  not  suppose  that  the  man  who  bought  them 
intended  to  go  to  New  York  to  get  the  money,  or  to 
wait,  without  interest,  until  he  could  send  for  it.  I 
supposed  he  must  have  contemplated  buying  some- 
thing of  some  one,  to  whom  he  did  not  anticipate  sel- 
ling. 

Of  course,  paper  or  electricity,  well  backed  by  gold, 
is  just  as  good  for  these  transactions,  as  the  metal 
itself  ;  and  I  find  it  hard  to  believe  that  the  unfor- 
tunate Senator  is  so  "arrant  "  as  to  suppose  that  the 
coin  is  transported  ;  but  if  there  should  be  a  balance 
due  any  one  when  international  trade  is,  if  ever,  sus- 
pended, it  doubtless  would  be  ;  and  I  think  that  a 
man  might  be  forgiven  for  using  the  term  "  gold,"  for 
any  piece  of  paper  that  may  be  converted  into  it  for 
the  asking. 

But  if  the  above  theory  is  all  wrong,  as  seems  to 
be  advanced  by  the  Herald,  I  am  only  sorry  for  the 
Senator,  that  he  did  not  take  to  the  sea  while  young, 
where  he  would  proverbially  be  at  home,  and  where 
he  and  I  could  smoke  our  pipes  and  wag  our  long 
ears  in  peace. 


CHAPTER  XXVI. 

THE    ADVERTISING    FIEND. 

I  note  that  Congress  has  passed  a  law  to  prevent 
the  advertising  fiend  from  adding  new  colors  to  the 
United  States  flag.  I  could  suggest  a  little  heavier 
penalty,  but  am  in  hopes  that  the  fifty  dollars,  added 
to  what  little  patriotism  he  may  have  remaining,  will 
be  sufficient.  I  suppose  that  there  is  but  little  chance 
of  having  him  further  suppressed,  but  could  we  not 
strive  to  keep  him  within  his  present  limits  ? 

Being  an  American,  he  has  thus  far  stuck  pretty 
closely  to  the  inside  of  coaches,  horse  cars,  etc.  ;  but 
I  notice  that  he  is  beginning  to  emulate  his  English 
brother,  who  learned  from  Samuel  Pickwick,  Esq., 
Gent,  that  an  outside  seat  in  rain,  snow  and  sleet,  is 
the  best. 

When  last  in  Philadelphia,  I  was  grieved  to  learn, 
while  looking  anxiously  for  a  car  that  would  carry 
me  to  the  vicinity  of  the  Pennsylvania  R.  R.,  that  "  S. 
S.  S."  is  "  for  the  blood."  Having  before  had  a  hint  of 
this  fact,  and  my  blood  being  all  right  at  the  time, 
excepting  a  feverish  quickening  of  its  flow  at  the 
thought  of  missing  the  ''limited  express"  for  New 
York,  and  being  in  a  part  of  the  town  where  the 
"  cabby  "  is  unknown,  I  did  not  appreciate  this  infor- 
mation. 

I  believe  that  no  one  in  an  English  town  except, 
perhaps,  the  very  oldest  residents,  ever  thinks  of  mak- 


THE    STREET    CAR    AS    ADVERTISER.  1 59 

ing  use  of  a  street  car  for  any  other  purpose  than  to 
help  out  a  shopping  expedition. 

If  one  wants  to  learn  who  keeps  cheap  "  Furniture, 
Bedding,  etc.,"  or  where  are  to  be  found  the  most  ser- 
viceable "perambulators"  or  the  purest  "blended 
teas,"  he  may  learn  immediately  ;  but  if  he  has  the 
least  curiosity  to  learn  on  what  streets  the  car  is  most 
liable  to  travel,  he  must  depend  on  findings  "bobby  " 
— who  will  always  give  reliable  information  for  the 
retention  fee  of  sixpence — or  walk. 

I  have  sometimes  learned  a  little  about  it,  when  the 
car  was  standing  peacefully  at  the  terminus,  which 
gave  me  time  to  study  all  of  the  microscopic  charac- 
ters ;  but  the  driver,  who  knows  who  pays  his  em- 
ployer the  most  money,  never  allows  his  car  to  be 
rudely  stared  at  by  such  an  inconsiderable  thing  as  a 
passenger,  at  any  other  stage  of  the  route  ;  and  madly 
lashes  his  horses  for  the  more  important  purpose  of 
spreading  the  above  items  of  information  as  widely 
as  possible.  Perhaps  I  ought  to  have  used  the  term 
"  Colonial,"  instead  of  "  English,"  as  I  have  had  very 
little  to  do  with  the  mother  country,  since  I  travelled 
much  on  other  streets  than  those  of  rope  ladders. 

Is  the  small  cloud  that  hovers  over  the  Quaker  City, 
likely  to  spread  until  it  has  brought  us  to  such  a  for- 
lorn condition  as  the  above?  I  am  used  to  being 
continually  reminded  of  my  mortality,  when  flying 
over  green  fields,  plunging  through  deep  forests,  and 
leaping  over  bridges  and  past  precipices  in  a  manner 
to  otherwise  cause  one  who  has  been  in  exile — and  is 
riding  the  iron  horse  over  his  native  hills  toward  the 


l6o  THE    SEARCH    FOR    MALADIES. 

"Old  Homestead  " — to  forget  the  most  violent  tooth- 
ache ;  to  givinga  hacking  cough  to  ascertain  whether 
or  not  my  lungs  are  in  the  right  place,  at  the  sugges- 
tion of  "  Pulmonary  Syrup  "  ;  to  searching  my  system 
for  a  latent  symptom  of  the  last  attack  of  Java  or 
Chagres  fever,  while  reading  "  Ayer's  Ague  Cure  "  ; 
and  to  giving  a  hopeless  rub  to  my  sparsely  covered 
crown,  on  learning  of  the  startling  results  of  the  ope- 
rations of  some  half  dozen  little  girls  named  Suther- 
land, in  the  field  of  hair  restoring  ;  but  if  I  am  to  miss 
the  train  altogther,  and  be  left  to  study  my  physical 
condition  alone,  on  the  streets  of  a  strange  city,  I  shall 
be  tempted  to  buy  a  brush  myself,  and  paint  on  every 
available  space  the  hopeful  words  "Life  is  short." 

I  hope  that  Congress  will  study  this  matter  care- 
fully, and  if  it  can,  Constitutionally,  go  any  beyond  the 
flag  and  the  Capitol  building — which  I  hope  does  not 
proclaim  any  "Elixirs  of  Life"  at  present — it  will 
take  up  the  horse  cars  next. 

I  do  not  wish  it  to  punish  companies  for  giving 
room  to  the  words  "  Rapid  Transit,"  on  a  car  which 
moves  from  one  and  a  half  to  two  knots — according 
to  whether  it  is  the  ebb  or  flow  of  the  (Commercial) 
tide,  as  long  as  there  is  enough  else  to  prove  that  it 
is  the  right  or  wrong  car. 

These  words  give  one  hope,  and,  once  on,  he  has 
leisure  to  study  his  watch,  "  log  her,"  and  decide 
when  it  will  be  safer  to  get  off  and  walk.  If  he 
doesn't  know  which  way  to  go,  he  can  keep  the  car 
in  his  wake,  and  still  save  time  enough  to  buy  his 
ticket. 


CHAPTER  XXVII. 

PATERNAL    PRIDE. 

I  was  rather  startled  at  seeing  an  article  headed 
"The  Telegram's  Growth,"  which  heading  was  im- 
mediately followed  by  such  words  as  "  briskest, 
brightest  "  and  "  newsiest,"  and  thought,  for  a  mo- 
ment, that  the  Herald,  which  agrees  with  me  in 
smiling  at  other  people's  Millenniums,  was  getting 
up  one  of  its  own. 

The  word  "  Evening,"  which  soon  followed,  was 
somewhat  reassuring  ;  and  on  reading  further  I  dis- 
covered that  it  was  a  case  of  "me  and  my  wife,  my 
son  John  and  his  wife,  we  four  and  no  more,"  etc. 

I  am  totally  unacquainted  with  this  promising  child 
of  the  Herald,  as  it  is  published  at  a  time  of  day  when 
we  of  the  tarpaulin  hats  are  known  to  be  far  more 
interested  in  seeing  and  hearing,  than  reading.  I 
shall,  however,  in  future,  manage  to  have  a  copy 
sent  on  board  my  ship,  to  go  with  coffee  and  head- 
ache, until  I  have  learned  how  many  of  the  paternal 
ways  this  "interesting  boy"  has  inherited. 

My  own  experience  in  trying  to  induce  my  father  to 
believe  that  the  cattle  cannot  any  more  easily  reduce 
the  fences  to  chaos,  or  the  sheep  climb  higher  on  a 
stone  wall — when  matters  at  Washington  are  not  to  his 
taste,  gives  me  great  hope  that  the  "  Telegram  "  may 
use  its  bright  and  hopeful  youth,  to  discover  oases  in 
the  frowning  desert  by  which  we  are,  in  the  estimation 


l62  ADVANTAGES    OF    YOUTH. 

of  its  venerable  and  despondent  ancestor,  in  danger 
of  being  buried. 

If  this  praise  were  private,  I  should  not  be  so  hope- 
ful ;  as  "  the  Governor  "  at  home  has  spells  of  re- 
viewing the  ranks  that  he  has  produced  to  fight  for 
his  party,  and  sharply  reproves  any  one  who  appears 
to  be  getting  "  out  of  line,"  or  may  have  a  tendency 
to  load  with  blank  cartridge  ;  but  his  public  boast  of 
"  the  block  of  five  "  which  he  can  lead  to  the  polls 
(when  they  are  at  home)  carries  no  hint  that  they 
ever  waver  from  the  firm  conviction  that  to  allow  the 
other  party  to  elect  a  census  enumerator,  would  be  to 
renounce  all  hope  of  being  correctly  classified. 

From  this  experience,  I  can  guess  that  the  Herald 
would  not  publicly  censure  an  offspring  who  might 
even  go  so  far  as  to  hope  that  the  old  soldiers  may 
all  be  "  gathered  to  their  fathers"  before  we  shall 
become  so  far  exhausted  as  to  entertain  thoughts 
of  "suspension,"  and  might  allow  it  a  little  latitude, 
without  depriving  it  of  all  public  praise. 

I  have  no  hope  of  this  youthful  giant  succeeding 
in  cooling  the  ire  of  its  gouty  parent,  even  if  it  tries 
to  its  utmost  ;  but  I  earnestly  request  it  to  join  hands 
with  those  of  the  new  generation,  who  hope  to  seethe 
hatchets  all  buried  beneath  a  mound  of  peace  and 
prosperity,  that  no  power  on  earth  will   dare  disturb. 


CHAPTER  XXVIII. 

NATURALIZATION. 

I  was  interested  to  learn  the  process  by  which  we 
so  easily  prepare  our  newly  imported  fellow  country- 
men for. the  work  of  helping  to  elect  the  sinews  of 
Government,  by  reading  an  article  headed  "  Naturali- 
zation by  Chromo." 

This  properly  belongs  under  the  head  of  "  Boodle- 
ism  "  ;  and  should  be  classed  as  a  New  York  mystery 
with  which  I  am  not  in  a  position  to  tamper,  without 
breaking  a  verbal  or  implied  promise  ;  but  as  I  did 
not  before  know  how  it  was  done  by  "  Chromo,"  or 
otherwise,  perhaps  I  will  be  allowed  to  look  it  up  a 
little. 

The  "  Boodle  "  part  seems  to  consist  of  urging  the 
newly  honored  person  to  take  a  naturalization  paper 
with  a  "  chromo  "  on  it,  at  the  expense  of  a  dollar 
instead  of  a  plain  one  for  fifty  cents. 

If  this  is  the  same  kind  that  is  given  away  with  a 
half  pound  of  tea,  I  think  it  expensive  ;  but  if  it  is  of 
sufficient  dimensions  to  be  framed  and  hung  up  in 
the  new  Citizen's  parlor,  I  think  it  not  exorbitant. 

What  I  noticed  was  the  extreme  cheapness  of  either 
process  ;  and  the  convenience  of  having  an  inter- 
preter at  hand,  to  tell  the  aspirant  what  questions 
were  asked,  and  to  provide  him  with  an  answerin — as  I 
suppose — our  language.  As  the  only  answers  required 
are    "  Republican,"  "  Congressmen,"  "  Washington," 


164  "AMERICAN"    SHIP    OFFICERS. 

"Assemblymen"  and  "Albany,"  I  suppose  it  can 
readily  be  done  on  the  spot. 

We  used  to  have  American  officers  turned  out 
pretty  quickly,  but  I  never  knew  exactly  how  it  was 
done.  I  have  been  told  that  they  were  forced,  in 
case  of  their  not  being  known,  to  pay  a  man  (usually 
the  boarding  master's  runner)  three  dollars,  to  swear 
that  they  had  been  sailing  out  of  that  port  for  three 
years. 

Perhaps  this  is  not  required  simply  for  shore  citi- 
zens, or  perhaps  those  chromo  men  have  been  over 
for  three  years,  and  have  not  read  the  Herald  much, 
by  which  to  learn  about  Washington  and  Albany. 
(I  should  think  they  must  have  been  told  about  the 
"  jobbery.")  I  remember  having  once,  when  I  aspired 
to  a  change  to  "steam,"  applied  to  the  branch  Com- 
missioner on  the  "  Pacific  Mail  Dock,"  for  a  berth  or. 
one  of  that  company's  ships. 

He  asked  me  if  I  was  an  American  citizen,  and  I 
answered  "yes,"  with  a  countenance  so  radiant  as  to 
almost  reflect  the  image  of  the  log  hut  in  which  a  de- 
parted ancestor  was  born — and  for  the  site  of  which 
I  have  searched  the  slopes  of  my  ancestral  corn- 
fields, with  a  diligence,  worthy  of  "  The  Antiquary  " 
looking  for  traces  of  Julius  Caesar. 

He  answered  that  that  was  the  principal  point,  and 
bade  me  come  in  often.  I  departed,  and  walked 
up  street  seeing  visions  of  myself  gravely  entertain- 
ing my  passengers  from  the  head  of  the  City  of 
Tokios  dinner  table,  and  condescending  to  remem- 
ber the  surly  commanders  of  the  "wind  jamming" 


ADVANTAGES   OF    "BIRTH."  165 

squadron,  who  were  watching  the  freight  market 
with  a  despair  that  would  only  admit  of  their  keep- 
ing a  boy  and  a  dog,  on  half  pay,  on  board  of  their 
semi-dismantled  ships,  moored  to  any  rocky  island, 
or  hanging  to  any  dilapidated  jetty,  that  promised  a 
small  rate  of  wharfage. 

After  a  few  weeks  of  "  Good  morning,  sir.  Nothing 
to  day,  sir.  Call  again,  sir,"  during  which  time  my 
vision  had  faded  in  the  exact  ratio  to  the  diminution 
of  my  little  pile  of  gold,  I  met  a  "  citizen  "  who  was 
in  the  office  getting  "  paid  off,"  for  a  voyage  as 
second  or  third  officer. 

As  he  did  not  belong  to  the  "  Charter  Oak  "  order, 
and  would  probably  excite  Prince  Bismarck's  desire 
for  soldiers,  if  he  should  return  to  the  Fatherland 
"sans  paper,"  and  as  it  was  about  time  for  my  last 
"  twenty  "  to  go  down  town  to  the  angelic  broker 
who  paid  "  twenty-one  ten  "  in  silver,  I  decided  to 
watch  the  dogs,  who  had  not  been  ship-keeping  quite 
long  enough  to  learn  how  to  cross  a  yard,  and  be 
ready  to  step  into  one  of  their  positions  when  des- 
pair at  being  unable  to  feed  them  longer  on  the  last 
freight,  should  cause  one  of  their  masters  to  put  his 
name  to  a  charter  party.  This  resulted  in  my  aunt 
in  the  mountains  escaping  from  the  necessity  of  em- 
ploying me  to  prune  fruit  trees,  and  I  sailed  a  wiser 
man. 

I  had  learned  something  of  the  Cosmopolitan  char- 
acter of  American  citizens,  but  I  have  only  now 
learned  that  citizenship — with  a  chromo — may  be 
bought  for  a  dollar  ;  and  that  it  is  only  necessary  for 


166  THE    "CHROMO"    BENEFICIAL. 

the  candidate  to  declare  the  general  form  of  Govern- 
ment, and  where  and  by  whom  the  United  States  and 
New  York  State  laws  are  made  ;  and  that  these 
secrets  are  imparted  to  them,  on  the  spot,  by  coach- 
ers  and  interpreters. 

I  am  inclined  to  applaud  the  "chromo  "  part,  as  it 
ought  to  increase  the  sterling  value  of  our  citizens,  to 
make  it  cost  more  to  "qualify." 

As  this  citizenship  probably  fits  them  for  any 
State  in  the  Union,  I  should  think  it  a  good  plan  to 
tell  them  a  little  about  the  other  States ;  but  I  sup- 
pose cases  of  their  going  inland  are  so  rare,  that  it  is 
not  worth  the  trouble  of  keeping  the  tutors  standing 
enough  longer  to  do  so. 


CHAPTER  XXIX. 

MODERN    "  PROPHETS." 

I  have  already  written  about  the  comparison  by 
the  Rev.  Dr.  Deems — helped  out  by  the  Herald — be- 
tween the  popularity  of  the  Sunday  newspaper  and 
the  pulpit  ;  and  perhaps  I  ought  not  to  risk  getting 
too  near  to  the  same  subject,  by  noticing  the  words 
"Watch  Towers  of  Civilization,"  followed  by  an 
assertion  that  such  a  Rev.  of  New  York  has  declared 
the  newspapers  of  the  day  to  be  ;  but  as  it  is  Sunday 
to-day,  and  either  a  coincidence,  or  some  latent 
spark  of  former  civilization  hidden  somewhere  be- 
neath my  salt  encrusted  surface,  has  brought  them 
before  me,  I  think  that  I  will  take  the  risk. 

Under  this  heading  appears  a  part  of  a  discourse 
delivered  to  "  nine  hundred  people,  with  not  a  gray 
head  noticeable  among  them." 

Now  in  the  first  place,  although  I  watch  my  own 
scattering  locks  jealously,  in  the  hope  that  they  will 
long  retain  their  natural  color,  I  am  quite  fond  of 
gray  heads  ;  and  think  that  they  are  a  great  improve- 
ment to  some  kinds  of  audiences. 

They  usually  mark  the  "  Nestors  and  Ulysses"  of 
society,  and  I  like  the  air  of  support  that  their  pres- 
ence gives  to  any  collection  of  people  who  are  as- 
sembled for  grave  purposes. 

If  I  attend  a  Base-ball  game,  I  do  not  miss  them, 
and  am  perfectly  willing  that  they  should  attend  to 


l68  NEW    CLERICAL    TACTU'S. 

the  home  duties,  and  give  the  young  people  a  chance  ; 
but  when  they  "hive  and  move  away  up-town"  to  a 
separate  division  of  the  same  Church — as  seems  to 
have  been  the  case  in  this  instance — I  am  afraid 
there  is  something  wrong. 

The  "  dark,  spare  and  strenuous  young  speaker  " 
who  addressed  this  youthful  audience,  speaks  of  "the 
degeneracy  of  the  modern  pulpit,"  as  though  it  is  an 
established  fact ;  and  says  that  the  daily  press  is  do- 
ing the  work  of  God,  while  those  of  the  pulpit  are 
"telling  you,  you're  all  right,  we're  all  right,  the 
world's  all  right,  and  the  devil's  all  right." 

This  is  certainly  a  new  method  on  the  part  of  the 
pulpit,  as  I  used  to  hear  it  urged  from  that  source, 
that  the  three  former  were  in  great  danger  of  going 
all  wrong,  if  not  actually  in  that  position  ;  and  that 
the  latter  was  so  utterly  wrong  as  to  require  steady 
resistance  from  those  who  hope  to  be  "all  right." 
And  though  I  do  not  hear  from  it  as  often  as  form- 
erly, I  have  been  told  that  the  principal  change  is  in 
the  diminution  of  the  incumbents  who  act  the  part 
"  we're  all  right "  ;  or,  in  other  words,  that  the 
clergymen  are  getting  more  sensible  of  the  fact  that 
they  are  in  the  boat  with  the  sinners,  and  have  to 
join  the  lookout  for  shoals. 

He  says  that  Paul  made  a  practice  of  having  "a 
row,"  when  he  entered  a  town,  and  rather  irreverently 
classes  the  solemn  warning  of  our  Saviour  to  the 
Scribes  and  Pharisees,  as  of  the  same  kind  ;  jocularly 
describing  it  as  "coarse." 

He   objects  to   people  "  whining  "   for  the  "  pure 


DOES    THE    WORLD     ADMIRE    IT  ?  169 

Gospel,"  and  declares  that  he  would  rather  see  his 
boy  "grubbing  stumps,"  than  to  see  him  in  most 
pulpits. 

I  have  heard  it  urged,  in  answer  to  an  objection  to 
the  rudeness  of  the  "Salvation  Army,"  that  their 
mission  was  to  retrieve  rude  people  who  cannot  be 
reached  in  any  other  way  ;  but  is  it  necessary  to  ap- 
ply the  language  of  the  "Tough,"  to  an  audience 
that  is  described  as  "  the  younger  members  of  a 
Baptist  Church  "  ? 

But  my  present  business  is  not  to  criticise  this 
Divine, — though  I  cannot  help  heartily  concurring  in 
his  choice  of  a  profession  for  hL  son — but  with  the 
mighty  "  Watch  Tower  "  which  seems  to  be  so  proud 
of  this  praise,  and  which,  according  to  the  same  au- 
thority, is  in  one  of  the  places  "  of  the  Prophets  of 
old." 

Would  it  not  be  better  for  this  "heart  of  civiliza- 
tion," not  only  to  be  more  careful  of  the  ground  that 
is  taken  to  wield  the  influence  which  it  so  proudly 
boasts  to  be  superior  to  that  of  the  pulpit,  but  also 
to  be  more  careful  of  the  language  which  it  imparts 
to  its  pupils  ? 

If  Geo.  Francis  Train  really  did  threaten  to 
"Smash  "  the  people  in  japan  and  elsewhere,  if  they 
did  not  facilitate  his  movements,  and  then  boasted  of 
it  before  the  friends  who  went  off  to  the  steamer  to 
greet  him  on  his  arrival  at  New  York,  perhaps  every 
one  did  not  hear  it  ;  and  would  not  the  Editor  be 
forgiven  by  Mr.  Train's  countrymen,  if  he  substituted 
another  term  for  the  world  to  read  ? 


170  OTHER    CHARMS   DESIRABLE. 

Could  not  a  corrupt  official  be  more  readily  made 
to  seethe  evil  of  his  ways,  in  other  language  than  the 
rather  ambiguous  charge  of  "roosting  on  a  dollar 
bill  "  ?  If  these  "  tough  "  words  do  not  lend  a  charm 
to  the  English  language — and  I  scarcely  believe  that 
the  Herald  will  maintain  that  they  do — does  not  this 
world-wide  traveller  owe  another  duty  to  the  Ameri- 
can People  besides  the  professed  ones  of  enlighten- 
ing them,  pointing  out  to  them  the  path  of  prosper- 
ity, detecting  the  corruption  which  robs  them,  and 
striving  to  regulate  the  Legislation  by  which  they 
are  governed  ? 

Should  it  not  try  to  give  them  the  position  in  the 
estimation  of  the  world  that  can  be  obtained  only  by 
putting  down  the  prevailing  opinion  that  they  are 
rude  and  uncultivated  ?  Or  is  it  itself  such  a  wor- 
shipper of  the  "dollar  bill,"  that  it  thinks  that  the 
possession  and  display  of  it  is  all  that  is  necessary  to 
make  a  people  great  ? 

I  do  not  know  that  I  use  this  term  "  tough  "  ad- 
visedly. I  never  asked  the  correct  meaning  of  it.  I 
first  learned  it  from  a  pilot  who  boarded  my  ship 
when  bound  into  New  York,  having  on  board  some 
passengers  who  had  never  been  in  the  United  States. 

Not  wishing  them  to  form  too  hasty  a  judgment  of 
my  native  land,  I  had  warned  them  that  when  they 
first  got  on  shore  they  might  meet  with  some  strange 
characters.  I  cautioned  them  against  asking  a  police- 
man for  information,  without  keeping  beyond  the 
swing  of  his  club  ;  it  being  safer  to  allow  him  a 
charmed   circle  of    a    few   feet   radius  ;  not  that  he 


A   NAUTICAL  SAGE.  171 

would  attempt  their  lives,  but  on  account  of  his 
habit  of  flourishing  his  sceptre,  to  show  his  rank  in 
life.  I  had  explained  to  them  that  over  confidence 
in  the  amiability  of  officials  of  the  Elevated  Rail- 
roads, might  result  in  disappointment  and  loss  of 
time.  And  I  had  prepared  them  not  to  be  aghast  at 
being  called  "  boss  "  by  the  man  who  served  them  in 
a  restaurant. 

When  the  pilot  came  on  board — that  mighty  Oracle 
whose  lightest  word  is  of  more  importance  to  the 
arriving  Cape  Horn  navigator,  than  the  heaviest  of 
renowned  Statesmen  when  he  has  been  a  week  on  shore 
— we  all  gathered  around  him,  to  learn  what  mighty 
changes  had  come  about  in  the  past  three  months. 

After  we  had  learned  that  we  were  in  no  danger  of 
being  hove  to  by  a  cruiser  or  blockading  squadron, 
I  naturally  drifted  toward  proof  of  some  of  the 
"  yarns  "  that  I  had  been  spinning. 

On  my  asking  him  why  the  street  corner  officials, 
who  were  so  amiable  elsewhere,  were,  in  New  York, 
so  peculiarly  uncomfortable  to  the  stranger  who 
addresses  them,  he  shifted  his  tobacco  into  his  other 
cheek,  cautioned  the  man  at  the  wheel  to  "  keep  her 
full,"  looked  aloft  to  see  that  the  yards  were  care- 
fully trimmed,  and  summed  it  all  up  in  the  terse  ex- 
pression, "they're  tough." 

Of  course  to  ask  an  explanation  of  this  term, 
would,  in  the  estimation  of  this  man,  whose  head  was 
not  gray,  be  to  acknowledge  myself  a  foreigner  ;  so  I 
only  judge  from  the  connection,  and  by  the  way  I  have 
since  heard  it  used,  that  I  have  not  misapplied  it  here. 


CHAPTER  XXX. 

A    REMARKABLE    CHALLENGE. 

It  is  interesting  to  learn  that  the  Herald  considers 
it  "  a  Remarkable  Incident,"  that  a  church  in  Ger- 
many, while  filled  with  people  who  were  praying  for 
deliverance  from  devastating  storms,  was  struck  by 
lightning,  and  several  of  the  congregation  killed  , 
and  it  is  rather  startling  to  see  that  it  asks  an  explan- 
ation from  the  clergy. 

If  its  object  was  simply  to  get  information,  I  prob- 
ably should  not  particularly  notice  it  ;  though  it 
might  remind  me  of  when  1  was  much  younger  ;  but 
the  words  "nut  to  crack,"  and  "not  a  soft-shelled 
almond,"  make  it  appear  like  a  challenge  ;  and  looks 
as  though  the  Divines  of  the  present  day,  profess  to  be 
able  to  account  for  and  explain  the  acts  of  the  Creator. 

I  did  not  know  this  before.  When  I  used  to  attend 
church  they  devoted  a  goodly  portion  of  their  time 
to  warning  us  that  no  one  could  possibly  tell  when  he 
was  safe  from  the  "grim  destroyer,"  and  such  words 
as  "In  the  midst  of  life  we  are  in  death,"  "be  ye 
also  ready,"  and  "in  such  an  hour  as  ye  think  not" 
were  quoted  regularly  ;  and  I  think  that  most  of 
them  are  yet  to  be  found  even  in  the  most  revised 
editions  of  the  Bible. 

I  am  curious  to  know  how,  if  it  is  true  that  they 
now  profess  to  know  about  it,  they  are  going  to 
dispose  of  these  same  words. 


WASHINGTON    HIGH    ENOUGH.  1 73 

If  this  is  not  the  correct  hypothesis  of  the  cause  of 
the  challenge,  perhaps  the  Divines  have  started  the 
theory  that  it  is  only  necessary  to  pray  for  temporal 
life,  in  order  to  keep  it.  They  used  to  hold  this  opinion 
about  spiritual  life,  and  probably  do  yet ;  but  though 
they  would  often  pray  for  many  kinds  of  temporal 
blessings,  and  for  the  extension  of  lives  that  appeared 
to  be  in  danger,  I  never  heard  one  maintain  the  ef- 
fectiveness of  this  kind  of  prayer,  with  sufficient  vigor 
to  merit  this  challenge  ;  so  it  must  be  one  of  the  im- 
provements of  the  age,  with  which  I  am  not  conver- 
sant. 

If  I  am  misled  in  my  interpretation  of  the  expres- 
sions "  nut  to  crack,"  and  "  mystery  which  puzzles 
the  ordinary  lay  mind,"  and  it  is  not  a  challenge,  then 
how  are  we  to  account  for  it  ? 

Even  if  these  unfortunate  people  had  been  killed 
in  the  United  States,  and  were  under  the  Herald's 
protection,  I  may  suppose  that  it  would  draw  the  line 
at  Washington,  and  not  go  higher. 

It  is  probably  in  order,  for  everything  from  the 
smallest  public  nuisance  in  the  streets  of  New  York, 
to  the  greatest  official  indiscretion  at  the  Capital 
City,  to  be  questioned  by  this  Argus-eyed  "Inquisi- 
tion "  of  the  people  ;  but  I  have  read  of  no  one  ex- 
cepting Roderick  Dhu,  who  ever  even  talked  of  "right- 
ing wrong  in  the  Court  of  Heaven  ";  and  he  said  it 
in  a  fit  of  exasperation  at  the  oppression  of  the  en- 
croaching Saxon,  and  appears  to  have  only  used  the 
term  figuratively,  as  a  superlative  to  Holyrood. 

If  the  object  was  to  swell  the  following  Monday's 


174  N^T    ENOUGH    NEWS. 

issue  with  the  hypotheses  of  the  various  Divines,  it  is 
perhaps  excusable  in  an  Editor  who  rarely  gets  be- 
yond eighteen  pages  ;  but  I  recommend  another  ad- 
vertising sheet,  and  to  let  those  who,  in  supplication 
at  a  Throne  which  the  wisest  of  us  do  not  know  much 
about,  find  consolation  for  the  many  ills  that  the  most 
fortunate  of  us  meet  with  in  this  world,  enjoy  it  as 
much  as  they  may.  Whatever  soothes  trouble,  and 
is  innocent,  should  be  cherished  without  too  much 
question. 


CHAPTER    XXXI. 

"border"  monsters.* 

It  appears  that  the  "  Sea-Serpent "  has  again  re- 
turned with  the  sun  that  tempers  the  waves  to  the 
annual  sea  bather. 

I  am  so  sorry  that  I  left  home  and  took  to  the  sea, 
before  I  had  the  pleasure  of  seeing  this  monster.  I 
came  near  seeing  him  once,  when  my  father  and  some 
friends  went  down  to  the  sea-coast,  fishing  ;  but  just 
before  they  started,  the  owner  of  the  boat  decided 
that  there  was  not  cabin  room  for  me,  so  I  missed 
the  chance. 

I  am  not  certain  that  they  saw  him,  as  some  of  them 
had  followed  the  sea  when  young  ;  but  probably  I 
should  have  had  a  better  eye  for  detecting  the  differ- 
ence between  his  spiral  folds  and  a  school  of  por- 
poises. 

It  seems  that  this  time  L.  I.  Sound  is  his  cruising 

♦Perhaps  many  people  on  shore  do  not  know  that  there  is  a  de- 
batable ground  between  the  sea  and  shore,  the  same  as  there  is 
often  a  neutral  space  between  two  hostile  armies,  and  a  "  bush- 
whacking" territory  between  two  sections  of  country  at  war  with 
each  other.  What  is  known  to  landsmen  as  the  scent  of  the  sea, 
is  to  us  the  scent  of  the  land  ;  and  is  often  our  first  warning  of 
its  proximity.  Many  birds  known  ashore  as  "  sea-birds,"  are 
"land-birds"  to  us.  A  landsman  gets  himself  into  trouble  on 
the  sea,  we,  on  the  land.  The  source  of  his  horror  of  the  sea  is 
where  it  meets  the  land,  ours  of  the  land  the  same.  His  peace  (?) 
is  on  land,  ours  on  the  sea.     [Author.] 


I76  A    SCIENTIFIC    QUESTION. 

ground.  Perhaps  he  has  taken  to  that  sheet  of  water 
since  the  Subsidy  Bill  excitement,  in  order  to  get 
posted  on  the  lights.  I  wish  he  would  get  aground 
some  time  and  get  captured  ;  not  that  I  would  stand 
much  chance  of  seeing  him,  as  he  would  probably  be 
decomposed  before  I  could  arrive  at  the  right  part 
of  the  world  ;  but  it  would  add  much  to  scientific  lore 
to  ascertain  why  he  never,  if  he  makes  long  voyages, 
comes  to  the  surface  anywhere,  except  close  in  shore 
among  picnickers  and  clam  bakers. 

It  would  probably  be  ascertained  that  he  is  all  fish, 
and  does  not  require  to  come  up  to  "blow,"  like  the 
cetaceous  animals  with  which  we  of  the  "  ocean 
wave  "  are  familiar,  and  is  consequently  only  to  be 
seen  when  he  ventures  where  it  is  too  shoal  for  his 
draught  of  water,  when  in  spiral  form. 

I  have  often  wondered  why,  if,  as  some  affirm,  it 
requires  the  eye  of  a  landsman  to  detect  him,  he  is 
not  sometimes  seen  by  boys  on  their  first  voyage  ; 
but  perhaps  they  are  so  busy  with  their  visions  of 
piracy,  and  the  savory  dinners  that  their  sea  boots  are 
going  to  supply  to  them  after  they  are  wrecked  and 
cast  on  a  lonely  isle,  that  they  have  no  time  to  look 
for  ordinary  monsters,  that  their  schoolfellows  at 
home  may  see  by  simply  going  to  the  beach. 

I  remember  that  when  on  my  first  voyage,  after  the 
ship  had  struck  on  a  reef  in  the  Bahamas,  and  the 
swarms  of  Nassau  Wreckers  (who  had  been  watching 
our  progress  from  behind  rocks  and  headlands  in  ex- 
pectation of  that  result)  had  covered  the  decks,  and 
I  saw  no  symptoms  of  their  calling  on  me  to  choose 


"  BIG    YARNS."  177 

between  "  walking  the  plank,"  and  a  life  of  plunder, 
I  was  rather  inclined  to  be  thankful  for  their  len- 
iency ;  but  at  the  same  time  I  could  not  resist  an  un- 
easy thought,  that  the  story  would  not  read  as  well 
as  some  others. 

We  have  all  heard  the  story  of  the  boy  who  suc- 
ceeded in  making  his  mother  believe  about  the  moun- 
tains of  sugar  and  rivers  of  rum  ;  but  when  he  had 
exhausted  all  of  his  best  stories,  and  had  fallen  back 
on  the  every-day  one  of  fish  flying  in  the  air,  the  old 
lady  became  suspicious,  and  suggested  for  him  to 
draw  the  line  there.  The  other  ones  were  natural 
enough,  as  he  had  been  where  the  sugar  and  rum 
came  from  ;  but  this  fish  story  signified  that  he  had 
forgotten  his  catechism,  or  neglected  his  prayers. 

We  have  also  heard  of  the  one  who  was  offended  at  the 
appearance  of  the  family  clothes-line  across  his  path; 
and  immediately  hailed  the  house  and  ordered  it  to 
slack  down  its  lines  on  pain  of  having  them  cut.  But 
there  is,  I  believe,  no  record  of  one  of  those  brine 
soaked  youths,  having  included  the  sea-serpent  among 
his  thrilling  tales. 

It  therefore  appears  that  some  of  the  above  theo- 
ries are  right,  or  that  they  contemptuously  pass  him 
by  as  a  mere  snake,  that  even  their  sisters  may  see. 

I  was  somewhat  surprised  a  few  years  ago,  to  hear 
a  passenger  who  had  made  some  thirteen  thousand 
miles  with  me,  in  my  ship,  say  that  he  had  thought 
his  chances  about  equally  divided  between  the  two 
worlds,  when  he  sailed.  On  my  telling  him  that  1  had 
paid  one  and  a  quarter  per  cent.,  against  total  loss  of 


I7<S  FALSE    FEARS. 

the  ship,  for  the  time  that  he  had  been  on  board,  and 
that  we  depended  largely  on  swimming  ashore,  or 
otherwise  escaping  from  the  greater  part  of  our 
wrecks,  he  was  rather  astonished,  and  thought  that  he 
must  have  read  something  that  misled  him. 

I  have  recently  read  a  book  of  the  kind  that  pre- 
pares many  for  a  life  of  excitement,  when  they  choose 
the  sea,  and  leaves  them  to  find  as  much  pleasure  in 
their  own  society  as  they  may,  and  to  learn  that  a 
hooked  dolphin,  or  harpooned  porpoise,  is  among  the 
principal  features  of  amusement.  Having  well  ex- 
hausted my  library  before,  I  read  it  carefully  and 
weighed  all  of  the  chances. 

My  verdict  was,  that  if  I  had  signed  articles  in  the 
ark  with  Noah,  and  had  kept  pretty  steadily  afloat 
since,  I  would  stand  a  good  chance  of  having  seen 
all  of  the  wonders,  and  experienced  all  of  the  horrors, 
excepting  about  two,  which  were  enjoyed  in  a  voyage 
from  the  English  Channel  to  the  Equator  and  back. 
One  was  a  sea  so  smooth,  in  the  open  ocean,  as  to  allow 
the  vessel  to  keep  perfectly  motionless,  and  the  other 
I  may  not  mention,  without  calling  attention  to  the 
book.  My  object  is  not  criticism,  but  to  avoid  being 
too  surely  regarded  as  a  "forlorn  hope"  by  my  friends, 
because  I  do  not  always  stay  with  them.  I  wish  the 
hope  of  again  seeing  me,  to  make  the  parting  a  little 
more  cheerful. 

Another  reason  is  that  many  parents  would  per- 
haps rather  have  their  boys  at  home,  than  tramping 
in  foreign  lands,  in  search  of  the  adventures  that  the 
sea  failed  to  afford. 


CHAPTER  XXXII. 

GEORGE    KENNAN    AND    RUSSIA. 

It  is  with  a  great  sense  of  relief  that  I  learn  that 
at  last  some  one  has  come  out  in  defense  of  the  Czar  ; 
not  that  I  have  any  personal  interest  in  him,  but  be- 
cause I  should  feel  guilty  for  my  part  in  allowing 
him  to  live,  if  I  knew  that  he  is  as  black  as  he  is 
usually  painted. 

I  refer  to  a  criticism  of  Mr.  Geo.  Kennan  by  Mr. 
Wm.  H.  Dunston,  American  Vice-Consul  at  St. 
Petersburg. 

I  once  employed  a  man  who  was  at  work  loading 
my  ship,  on  a  sparsely  populated  coast,  and  where 
the  saddle  was  unpopular  among  horse  owners — to 
obtain  a  horse  for  me  to  keep  while  in  port,  for 
riding. 

When  he  came  on  board  in  the  morning,  he  told 
me,  in  answer  to  my  question  regarding  his  success, 
that  his  neighbor — Mr.  Gallagher — had  said  that  he 
would  have  a  horse  at  an  appointed  place  at  ten 
o'clock. 

Having  nothing  else  to  do,  I  went  to  the  place — 
and,  of  course,  found  no  horse,  as  I  expected. 

When  I  returned  on  board,  I  told  the  man  that  he 
might  have  saved  me  two  miles  of  boating,  by  telling 
me  what  he  knew  ;  that  the  horse  would  not  be 
there. 

After   a   minute   or   two  of    arranging   his   vocal 


l8o  STEMMING    THE   POPULAR    TIDE. 

organs,  and  moving  his  lips  helplessly — during  which 
time  his  mind  probably  flew  over  an  experience  of 
years  of  neighborly  disagreements — he  burst  forth 
"  yos  !  because  ah — I — I — know  Gallagher." 

Now  I  know  scarcely  more  of  Russia  than  of  the 
moon  (with  the  advantage  for  the  latter  of  my  hav- 
ing seen  it)  ;  and  no  one  will  expect  that  I  ever 
heard  much  good  of  it  ;  but — "/  know  Gallagher  " 
I  think  that  I  have  before  given  the  idea  that  a  "hue 
and  cry  "  makes  me  suspicious.  It  suggests  to  me 
the  need  of  questions. 

I  have  never  heard  Mr.  Kennan  speak,  but  I  have 
followed  pretty  carefully,  his  published  account  of 
Siberian  Exile.  I  am,  of  course,  not  in  a  position  to 
accuse  him  of  exaggeration,  and  do  not  wish  to  do 
so  ;  but  I  wish  to  ask  any  one  who  has  carefully  read 
his  narrative,  if  he  does  not  give  the  idea  that  how- 
ever much  he  deplored  the  forlorn  condition  of  the 
Political  Convicts,  what  they  seemed  to  deplore,  in 
most  cases  and  principally,  was  their  being  deprived 
of  liberty  to  plot  against  their  Government  ?  And 
that  their  chief  anxiety  was  that  the  good  work 
should  go  on  without  them  ? 

If  the  Russian  Government  is  so  merciless  as  to 
merit  a  complete  downfall,  it  may  be  the  duty  of  the 
world  to  take  active  measures  to  bring  it  about  :  but 
if  it  is  to  stand,  does  it  not  act  wisely,  in  putting  it 
out  of  the  power  of  plotters  to  act  in  a  manner  which 
History  proves  can  only  result  in  bloodshed  and 
misery  to  all  concerned  ?  And  what  more  merciful 
plan  could  it  employ,  than  to  take  advantage  of  the 


TRAITORS    PLENTIFUL.  l8l 

peculiarities  of  its  territory  to  send  to  where  they 
may,  by  good  conduct,  enjoy  more  room  than  be- 
tween the  walls  of  a  prison  cell,  a  number  which 
seems  to  exceed  those  of  the  whole  world  beside. 

England  had  her  Guy  Fawkes,  and  yet  burns  him 
in  effigy,  for,  perhaps,  want  of  a  successor  of  equal 
merit.  We  had  our  Benedict  Arnold,  and  are  so 
proud  of  him,  that  we  use  the  power  to  tell  his  story, 
as  a  qualification  for  entering  the  army  to  which  he 
performed  the  part  of  Judas.  But  where  would  we 
put  them  if  they  were  as  numerous  as  in  Russia  ? 

Mr.  K.  deplores  the  lack  of  trials  before  they 
are  sentenced  ;  but  I  do  not  remember  one  whom  he 
brought  to  an  interview  (I  did  not  read  it  all,  but  I 
think  the  most  of  it),  where  a  mistake  had  been  made 
by  those  who  had  suspected  them  ;  and  I  should 
judge  that  where  they  are  so  plentiful,  it  would  be 
necessary  to  adopt  some  course  more  summary  than 
usual — both  for  expedition  and  intimidation  to  others 
— as  our  own  disturbances  often  result  in  the  declar- 
ation of  "  Martial  Law." 

Of  course  no  right  minded  person  can  fail  to  be 
shocked  at  their  terrible  position  ;  but  do  we  need  to 
go  beyond  our  own  State  Prison  to  experience  the 
same  ?  That  the  officials  in  such  remote  places  are 
corrupt  and  harsh,  should  not  surprise  any  one  who 
has  compiled  the  History  of  New  York  City  Hall  — 
by  the  Herald — and  read  Charles  Reade's  represen- 
tation of  the  ill  treatment  of  prisoners,  close  to  high 
places,  and  under  the  spectacles  of  conscientious — if 
misled — inspectors  ;  or,  if  fiction  will  not  do,  and  he 


152  NEARER    HOME. 

wants  something  "  stranger,"  there  is  the  modern 
"Squeers"  of  a  Rhode  Island  school,  the  account  of 
which,  as  given  in  the  Herald,  should  cause  Mr.  K. 
to  wish  he  had  stayed  nearer  home,  to  look  for  brutal- 
ity of  a  high  order. 

That  the  system  is  badly — and  too  cheaply  for  com- 
fort— conducted,  there  is  no  doubt  ;  but  is  it  not 
more  wonderful  that,  so  far  from  the  centre  of  Gov- 
ernment, and  being  of  such  gigantic  proportions,  it 
can  be  conducted  at  all  ?  And  is  it  not  more  sur- 
prising that,  if  the  Government  is  as  harsh  as  is  gen- 
erally supposed,  it  does  not  evade  the  expense — 
which  Mr.  K.  himself  represents  as  being  enormously 
in  excess  of  the  return  in  convict  labor — by  organiz- 
ing a  "  Bloody  Circuit,"  that  would  end  it  for — as  the 
Herald  informs  us — forty-nine  cents.  I  mean,  of 
course,  when  there  is  "  no  Westinghouse  in  it." 

Mr.  Kennan  speaks  of  one  Post  Commander — and 
in  the  most  obscure  region  visited  by  him — who  strikes 
me  as  being  a  most  thorough  gentleman  ;  and  who 
showed  himself  singularly  tolerant  of  what  I  shall 
venture  to  call  a  breach  of  implied — if  not  verbal 
— faith,  in  a — what  I  should  think — conditional  guest. 

That  people  who  have  formed  the  habit  of  plotting 
against  their  Government,  should  not  be  allowed  to 
correspond  with  their  friends  excepting  under  sur- 
veillance, should  not  be  surprising  to  any  one  ;  and 
I  think  it  a  wonderfully  lenient  -Government,  that 
would  not  order  the  search  of  any  person  suspected 
of  clandestinely  assisting  it. 

I  may  be  seriously  treading  on   popular  opinion  in 


HOPE    A    RELIEF.  183 

all  this,  but,  being  a  traveller  who  can  always  afford 
the  luxury  (?)  of  travelling,  and  at  the  same  time 
tell  the  truth  (if  in  the  humor),  I  cannot  help  putting 
in  a  word  of  caution  about  receiving  too  literally,  a 
narrative  that  possibly  may  need  some  extra  sensation, 
to  pay  the  expense  of  travelling,  for  one  who  does  not 
get  otherwise  remunerated  ;  and  it  appears  to  be 
easy  enough  to  make  the  excitement  a  little  "  undue," 
without  leaving  literal  truth. 

Anyhow,  I  cannot  help  being  thankful  that  we 
now  have  such  good  authority  to  hope  that  the  mass 
of  the  Czar's  subjects  like  their  government,  and  that 
the  greatest  population  of  Christendom,  is  not  one 
vast  hive  of  hopeless  misery. 

To  explain  what  I  mean  by  the  above  remark 
about  the  "  literal  truth,"  and  that  Mr.  K.  may  know 
that  I  mean  no  offense,  I  will  tell  of  an  occasion  on 
which  I  told  it. 

When  I  was  first  interviewed  by  a  ship-owner  with 
a  view  to  making  me  master,  he  asked  me  if  I  were 
married.  I  felt  that  it  would  be  advantageous  to  say 
"  yes,"  but  was  not  in  a  position  to  do  so  ;  so  I  said 
"no,  but  do  not  know  how  soon  I  shall  be."  The 
event  has  proved  that  I  told  the  truth,  as  I  am  still  in 
the  same  position  ;  but  he  was  as  thoroughly  misled 
as  though  I  had  told  him  the  blackest  falsehood  that 
I  could  think  of ;  and  expected  soon  to  be  introduced 
to  the  happy  (?)  lady.  After  I  had  proved  to  him  that 
a  single  man  could  sometimes  be  trusted  to  bring  a 
ship  back,  I  told  him  of  the  "ruse,"  and  he  was 
pleased  at  the  manner  in  which  I  had  cheated  him. 


CHAPTER  XXXIII. 

SIMPLICITY    DERIDED. 

Under  the  heading  "  Mr.  Wanamaker's  Mail  Bag," 
the  Herald  publishes  a  large  number  of  letters  of 
what  it  rather  harshly  terms  "  mendicancy,"  "  be- 
cause," as  it  says,  "  fortunately  they  have  a  perennial 
interest  for  two  reasons  :  first,  both  man  and  woman- 
kind have,  at  any  rate,  a  slight  fondness  for  reading 
other  people's  correspondence ;  secondly,  because 
they  are  so  stupendously  impertinent  *  *  *  that 
the  amusement  that  they  immediately  arouse  is  almost 
at  once  changed  to  interest." 

In  answer  to  the  first,  I  think  it  is  mistaken,  except 
in  cases  of  "  busybodies,"  with  that  of  people  whom 
they  know — and  whose  affairs  they  would  learn — 
and  others  who  feel  a  personal  interest  in  the  cor- 
respondent, or  in  the  news  that  they  are  likely  to 
obtain.  As  for  "  secondly,"  I  object  decidedly  to  the 
"amusement,"  and  I  think  the  "  impertinence,"  in 
most  cases,  is  too  pathetic,  or  too  delightfully  free 
from  knowledge  of  "the  world,"  to  deserve  so  harsh 
a  term.  On  the  whole,  I  think  the  publication  of  them 
is  a  kind  of  sacrilege. 

I  find  about  sixty  letters  which  are  particularly 
noticed.  Of  these,  twenty-two  ask  for  help  in  some- 
thing of  public  interest,  such  as  Churches,  Missions, 
etc.,  seventeen  ask  for  aid  for  the  writers  or  their 


"juvenile  beggars."  185 

families,  ten,  for  loans,  six  offer  things  for  sale,  and 
five  ask  for  employment. 

Let  him  who  has  the  temerity  to  call  the  twenty- 
two  "  mendicancy,"  hide  where  he  cannot  be  found 
by  the  charming  solicitors  who  give  us  their  church 
eggs,  and  refuse  to  receive  them  back  until  we  have 
increased  their  weight ;  let  him  go  to  the  flower 
market  and  pay  ten  cents  for  his  "  boutonniere,"  in- 
stead of  giving  fifty  for  it,  with  a  smile  as  a  chromo, 
to  the  fair  vender  at  the  Charity  Lawn  Party  ;  let  him 
"  drop  a  nickel  "  to  learn  his  sinful  weight,  rather  than 
offer  his  coveted  quarter  to  the  bright  eyed  weigh- 
nymph  of  the  Church  Fair  ;  and  let  him  play  "blind- 
man's  buff "  with  others  of  his  kind,  and  never  allow 
himself  to  be  hoodwinked  by  the  lovely  manager  of 
the  Mission  Donkey  party. 

One  of  these  is  from  the  representative  of  ten  lit- 
tle girls,  who,  doubtless  with  many  "  please  sirs," 
aspire  to  getting  the  great  man's  name  and  twenty- 
five  cents,  for  an  "album  quilt  "  which  is  to  pay  for 
damage  done  to  their  church  by  a  cyclone.  These 
are  poetically  classified  as  "  juvenile  beggars,"  by  the 
author,  who  appears  to  expect  to  be  forgiven  for  the 
sacrilege. 

"  Two  little  Florida  Sisters,"  who  ask  assistance  in 
some  mission  work  that  they  are  doing,  enjoy  the 
same  distinction. 

The  seventeen  asking  personal  aid,  are  mostly 
filled  with  tales  of  woe  that  ought  to  move  to  tears 
an  editor  who  mourns  (sincerely)  because  people  who 
refuse  to  work  for  any  one  who  will  not  allow  them 


1 86  AN    INEXPERIENCED    DIPLOMAT. 

to  manage  the  business,  are  in  want.  One  is  "  try- 
ing to  make  a  home  in  the  wilderness,"  and  asks  for 
some  of  Mr.W.'s  cast-off  clothing.  One  wants  to  enter 
the  hospital  for  medical  attendance.  One  wants  a 
suit  of  clothes  to  attend  church. 

The  "juvenile  beggar  "  under  this  head,  is  not  so 
interesting  as  they  of  the  "  album  quilt,"  but  is  a 
stamp  collector,  who  "  showed  sham  pathos  and  hol- 
low diplomacy,"  by  representing  that  he  was  an 
orphan  under  ten  years,  frankly  stating  that  his  "  big 
cousin  "  suggested  this  line  of  conduct,  after  his 
"  little  cousin  "  had  hinted  at  the  waste  paper  basket, 
and  then  timidly  asks  Mr.  W.  to  get  his  post-office  clerks 
to  send  him  a  few  stamps  !  If  he  only  knew  what  he 
"  showed,"  he  would  feel  too  much  a  man  to  wish 
longer  for  stamps. 

A  couple  are  "  struggling  with  debt  and  poor 
health,"  and  wish  to  send  their  children  tc  school. 
Even  the  quaint  character  who  represents  himself  as 
"  on  the  war  path  "  for  fifty  dollars,  to  prevent  the 
Sheriff  from  selling  him  out,  seems  to  be  in  a  bad 
strait. 

But  "  the  gem  of  the  collection,"  from  one  whose 
teeth  do  not  fit,  and  who  can  neither  pay  for  them 
nor  get  others,  is  in  trouble  that  many  of  us,  perhaps 
including  the  editor,  "  know  not  of." 

Of  the  ten  who  wish  to  borrow,  one  has,  through 
illness,  "contracted  a  debt  of  $60  (!)  "  which  he 
wishes  to  repay.  The  exclamation  point  doubtless 
shows  wit  ;  but  are  not  those  figures  more  sad  than 
if  they  were  a  hundred  thousand  ? 


POLITICAL    THREATS.  187 

Now,  for  the  first  class,  of  what  are  they  guilty  in 
the  eye  of  one  who  allows  the  importunity  of  enthusi- 
astic advocates  of  religion  and  charity,  a  milder  term 
than  "  mendicancy  "  ? 

I  can  see  nothing  except  a  simplicity  which,  dis- 
played in  any  other  way,  would  be  most  charming  ; 
and  even  in  this  way,  the  one  case  of  the  "  album 
quilt,"  would  move  a  heart  of  stone  ;  and  if  it  came 
into  Mr.  W.'s  personal  hands,  and  that  quilt  doesn't 
bear  his  name,  and  that  storm-beaten  church  doesn't 
get  restored  to  the  extent  of  at  least  twenty-five 
cents  of  his  money,  it  will  do  more  toward  changing 
my  politics,  "  than  could  ten  thousand  "  vicious  legis- 
lators, led  by  any  McKinley  or  pension  monger  of 
them  all. 

I  don't  like  to  go  into  vagaries,  like  he  of  the 
"  War  Path,"  about  future  Presidencies,  as  I  have  re- 
cently been  taught  that  Mr.  W.  belongs  to  the  wrong 
party  to  reign  in  the  future  ;  but  the  terrible  work 
at  the  Capitol  may  leave  enough  of  us  to  form  a 
convention,  and  if  he  should  be  found  capable  of  re- 
sisting this  bed  quilt  business,  and  then,  in  the  char- 
acter of  Candidate,  should  adopt  poor  old  Horace 
Greeley's  scheme  of  kissing  babies,  I  would  bribe 
men  to  hiss,  if  I  were  forced  to  navigate  for  years  in 
consequence  ;  or,  worse  still,  learn  to  take  command 
of  a  coal  hulk  in  Long  Island  Sound. 

Of  the  second  lot  of  seventeen  personal  beggars, 
even  the  one  who  "  begins  with  a  highly  moral  utter- 
ance," might  add  to  the  statement  "  that  it  is  more 
honorable  to  beg  than  to  steal,"  that  it  is  also  safer  ; 


188  "THROWING    STONES. 

and  there  seem  to  be  many  In  the  world,  who  will 
resort  to  either  before  starvation. 

Let  us  who  have  always  had  enough  to  eat,  ex- 
cepting when  it  could  not  be  got  by  any  of  the  known 
methods,  desist  from  "  throwing  stones,"  until  we 
have  tried  it  ;  or,  to  borrow  from  Scripture,  let  him 
who  has  starved  to  the  point  of  death  and  resisted, 
throw  the  first  stone. 

Even  in  the  case  of  the  unfortunate  "gem  of  the 
collection,"  the  sad  victim  of  misfit  in  ivory,  and 
who  would  "  much  rather  go  to  Washington  and  work 
for  the  amount,"  if  she  could  leave  her  charges  (five 
nephews  and  nieces  for  whom  she  has  cared  for  six 
years,  receiving  regular  payments  in  affection  only), 
who  would  not  rather,  at  least,  pay  for  a  return 
stamp  for  her  letter,  than  enjoy  a  laugh  at  the  poor 
creature's  woeful  position  ? 

I  believe  that  every  one  of  the  ten  who  asked  a 
loan,  honorably  intended  to  pay  it.  I  think  that  the 
average  person  expects  to  be  in  better  circumstances 
next  year  ;  not  as  a  result  of  figures,  but  of  a  hope- 
ful method  of  managing  without  them  ;  and  one  who 
is  vicious  enough  to  contemplate  cheating,  would  be 
too  wise  to  waste  the  postage  for  a  letter  of  the  kind. 

I  also  believe  that  not  one  of  the  ten  would  pay  it. 
Gratitude,  in  such  cases,  appears  to  be  very  sol- 
uble ;  and  seems,  usually,  soon  to  give  place  to  other 
things  more  pressing. 

The  six  who  would  sell  their  treasured  heirlooms 
to  the  great  Post-Office  Official,  appear  to  be  far  more 
lenient  than  the   average  book   agent  ;  and   the  five 


AMIABLE    OFFENDERS.  189 

who  ask  for  employment,  are  not  alone  in  the  wish. 
Of  what,  then,  does  their  "  impertinence  "  consist,  ex- 
cept simplicity  ? 

The  mq£t  of  us  try  to  learn  as  much  of  "the 
world  "  as  we  may,  and  are  apt  to  pride  ourselves  on 
the  accomplishment ;  but  who  is  prepared  to  con- 
demn all  who  have  not  been  equally  successful  ? 

Do  we  feel  so  much  sympathy  for  the  merchant 
who  loses  his  hundreds  of  thousands  in  a  bank  fail- 
ure, that  we  have  none  left  for  the  simple  old  couple 
who  lose  their  long  cherished  "twenty-six  p'un' 
ten"  ? 

Do  we  condemn  dear  old  Uncle  Josh  Whitcomb, 
because  he  does  not  show  himself  to  be  as  much  of 
an  expert  in  the  mysteries  of  New  York,  as  the  "  L  " 
Road  guard  who  enjoys  depositing  one  in  any  part 
of  the  town  except  that  to  which  he  aspires  ? 

Are  we  so  fond  of  the  Joey  Bagstocks  and  Becky 
Sharps,  or  even  the  George  Warringtons  and  Ivan- 
hoes  of  fiction,  that  we  have  no  room  in  our  hearts 
for  the  Captain  Cuttles,  the  Mrs.  Nicklebys,  the 
Nicol  Jarvies  and  the  Uncle  Tobys  ? 

Though  I  have  sailed  around  our  globe  a  sufficient 
number  of  times  to  be  pretty  correctly  impressed  as 
to  its  size,  and  though  I  am  aware  of  the  mere  atom 
that  it  is  of  our  own  planetary  system  ;  though  I 
believe  that  the  most  remote  star  that  is  revealed  by 
the  telescope,  either  is,  has  been,  or  is  going  to  be 
surrounded  by  a  like  system  of  planets  which  either 
are,  have  been,  or  are  going  to  be  inhabited  ;  and 
though  I  have  read — and  seen  no  reason  to  disbelieve 


190  WHO    ARE    BEGGARS? 

— that  all  this  is  but  a  grain  of  Creation  ;  yet  I  am 
sometimes  so  far  tempted  to  murmur  because  my 
special  affairs  were  not  more  carefully  looked  after 
when  the  plan  was  laid,  that  I  can  readily  see  how 
one  whose  horizon  has  always  been  marked  by  the 
same  not  very  distant  hills,  and  who  has  not  taken 
the  trouble  to  think  very  deeply,  should  be  led  into 
the  erroneous  idea  that  his  own  Sabbath  School  only 
needs  to  have  called  to  it  the  attention  of  one  who  is 
rich,  and  has,  perhaps,  been  known  to  give  largely,  in 
order  to  be  endowed  handsomely. 

Though  no  one  could  expect  a  member  of  the 
U.  S.  Cabinet,  who  receives  such  a  mass  of  letters  of 
this  description,  to  even  glance  at  them  ;  though  I 
should  think  him  one  of  the  very  worst  of  business 
men,  if  he  lent  a  dollar  on  the  security  offered  ;  and 
though  I  am  one  who  heroically  thinks  that  he  could 
come  very  near  to  starvation  rather  than  to  beg — 
and  if  ever  called  on  to  decide  between  the  merits  of 
that  and  stealing,  know  enough  of  the  world  to  avoid 
wasting  time  on  the  contemplation  of  the  former — I 
cannot  think  that  these  unfortunate  people  are  guilty 
enough  to  deserve  to  have  their  credulity  or  misery 
publicly  ridiculed. 

After  all,  where  are  we  going  to  draw  the  line  be- 
tween begging,  and  asking  for  things  that  we  would 
like  to  have  ?  The  man  who  asks  for  a  penny,  is  em- 
phatically a  beggar.  The  Queen  whc  asks  her  Parlia- 
ment for  money,  is  not.   Who  is  to  name  the  boundary  ? 

What  of  the  office  seekers,  those  who  ask  patronage, 
and  those  who  seek  employment  ? 


OFFICE    SEEKERS    MUST    BEG.  191 

These  are  not  money,  but  they  are  an  equivalent, 
(at  least  to  those  who  ask  for  them)  and,  as  far  as 
the  first  is  concerned,  Society  is  shocked,  and  the 
Herald  howls  savagely  for  punishment  for  Boodleism, 
if  they  are  paid  for. 


CHAPTER  XXXIV, 

"cloudy"  conjectures. 

Under  the  heading  "  New  York  in  the  Clouds,"  I 
learn  that  many  scientists  think  that  frequent  contact 
with  mother  earth  is  necessary,  in  order  not  to  have 
"  Nerves  and  brains  severely  taxed." 

Is  it  not  possible,  in  this  view,  that  Capt.  Marryat 
was  mistaken,  and  that  the  exhausted  condition  of 
overtaxed  brains,  might  have  appeared  to  him  much 
the  same  as  a  scarcity  of  them  ;  and  that  all  we  need 
to  do  is  to  carry  a  few  tons  of  earth  with  us  on  our 
voyages,  and  bathe  in  it  a  few  times  a  day,  in  order 
to  have  as  good  ones  as  anybody  ? 

I  suppose  that  salt  water  would  not  do,  as  those 
who  "step  briskly  forth  from  it  (the  elevator)  to 
granite  blocks,"  etc.,  do  "not  touch  the  earth  for 
days  ;  "  and  our  element  does  not  seem  to  be  much 
more  earthy  than  granite  ;  and  even  if  it  is,  sometimes, 
when  in  the  trade  winds,  we  go  for  weeks  without  as 
much  as  getting  a  sea  into  our  beds. 

But  as  probably  these  aerial  New  Yorkers  do  not 
go  "  for  days  "  without  bathing,  I  shall  take  the  posi- 
tion that  water  will  not  do,  but  that  contact  with 
soil  is  what  is  necessary  to  "  carry  away  waste  nerve 
products." 

Now  I  do  not  wish  to  boast,  but  if  a  New  Yorker 
thinks  that  his  own  hundred  and  sixty-six  feet,  or 
even  his  two  hundred  and  twenty-four,  when  he  goes 


A    MYSTERY    EXPLAINED.  193 

to  the  top  of  the  Produce  Exchange  tower  to  catch 
a  dove,  is  worth  telling  of,  let  me  tell  him  that  for 
more  than  eighty  days  I  have  not  been  nearer  to  soil 
than  upwards  of  a  mile  ;  and  that  just  now  I  am 
above  three  miles  from  the  merest  grain  of  sand. 

We  also  have  a  little  "  confusion  "  now  and  then, 
but  I  cannot  say  that  it  is  equally  "  nerve  jarring  " 
with  that  of  the  New  Yorkers'  "aerial  tramway,"  es- 
pecially if  he  sees  in  the  guard,  a  man  who  will  take 
a  special  delight  in  shutting  him  in  when  he  wants  to 
get  out,  and  shutting  him  out  when  he  wants  to  get  in. 

I  have  often  wondered  why  the  average  sailor  en- 
joys reeving  a  rope,  by  which  he  must  hoist  a  sail, 
with  a  turn  around  every  available  obstruction,  while 
the  very  dowdiest  of  washerwomen  on  shore,  will  rig 
a  clothes  line  without  a  suspicion  of  a  kink  ;  why  the 
sailor  cannot  sustain  the  passive  strain  of  keeping  his 
money  in  his  pocket,  while  those  on  shore  can  so 
readily  perform  the  active  part  of  getting  it  out ;  and 
why  the  purest  strain  of  St.  Bernard  canine  blood 
that  ever  animated  navigating  dog  flesh,  can  rarely 
be  taught  co  raise  its  voice  in  the  mildest  form  of  pro- 
test against  the  operations  of  dock  thieves,  while  the 
raggedest  cur  on  shore  will  sound  an  immediate  alarm 
at  the  approach,  within  the  twenty  rod  limit,  of  any 
human  specimen,  from  the  midnight  burglar  to  the 
meek  Parson  in  quest  of  a  cup  of  afternoon  tea  ;  but 
I  see  it  all  now  ;  they  have  been  deprived,  for  sadly 
long  periods,  of  that  "  continuous  contiguity  to  the 
great  earth  Mother,"  which  is  the  lot  of  the  "  happy 
agriculturist,"  and  most  others  on  shore. 


194  "mother  earth  "  accumulating. 

From  one  point  of  view,  it  is  a  sad  descending  from 
"  the  clouds''  of  conjecture,  to  open  with  the  sentences 
"  That  this  condition  cannot  fail  to  *  *  *  on 
their  nerves,  brains  and  minds,  the  thoughtful  ob- 
server cannot  doubt.  There  is,  indeed,  scientific 
evidence  to  this  effect,"  and  to  close,  after  hinting 
darkly  at  grave  distances  from  the  "  he  pful  ele- 
ment," and  at  "mental  unsettlement "  consequent 
from  shooting  to  dizzy  heights  in  elevators,  by  cit- 
ing an  authority  who  pronounces  it  "  largely  senti- 
mental," and  who  only  maintains  that  women,  and 
some  men,  "undergo  suffering"  from  climbing  to  the 
"  heights  ot  contemporaneous  habitations,"  by  means 
of  stairs. 

This  causes  one  to  wonder  why  it  was  written  ;  but 
it  is  cheering  to  know — I  being  one  who  has  "suf- 
fered "  from  Spanish  Consuls  always  having  their 
offices  high  up,  and  rarely  where  there  is  an  elevator 
— that  the  path  to  the  greatest  harm  is  not,  in  this 
case,  flowery  ;  and  that  one  may  safely  trust  his  in- 
stinct— and  the  elevator  boy,  to  preserve  him  from  the 
greatest  and  most  dangerous  risk  to  health. 

If  I  may  judge  from  what  I  read  in  the  Herald  of 
street  cleaning,  all  that  New  York  needs,  is  a  few 
more  Commissioners  like  the  incumbent  of  that  office, 
who  was  under  its  ban  when  my  file  was  issued — and 
a  few  more  millions  appropriated  for  the  purpose — 
in  order  that  its  inhabitants  may  be  able  to  compete 
with  any  potato  digger  of  the  Republic,  in  the  en- 
joyment of  "continuous  contiguity." 


CHAPTER  XXXV. 

MURDER    UNINTERESTING. 

In  speaking  of  Eyraud,  the  Parisian  murderer  who 
was  captured  at  Havana,  the  editor  says,  "as  a  gen- 
eral rule  the  details  of  a  murder  have  no  fascination 
for  us  ;  and  yet  we  take  a  lurid  sort  of  interest  in 
that  consummate  scoundrel,"  etc. 

This  is  certainly  news.  I  thought,  from  the  elab- 
orate descriptions  that  I  have  read,  that  it  must  be 
glorious  fun  ;  but  perhaps  he  confines  his  fascination 
more  particularly  to  executions. 

I  can  easily  see  why  a  newspaper  should  enter  into 
a  minute  description  of  the  circumstances  attending 
a  murder,  as  both  the  best  and  worst  people  wish  to 
learn  all  that  they  can  of  it  ;  but  too  much  "  detail  " 
in  the  discussion  of  the  execution  of  the  criminal,  and 
an  over  abundance  of  chuckling  over  his  wretched 
position,  strikes  me  as  being  worthy  of  a  former 
century. 

For  some  reason  the  execution  is  not  made  a  public 
spectacle,  and  the  witnessing  it  a  popular  pastime,  as 
:t  once  was,  and  I  supposed  that  it  was  because 
human  taste  has,  in  this  case,  changed  ;  as  there 
doesn't  seem  to  be  as  much  danger  of  a  "rescue" 
being  attempted,  as  in  those  former  days. 

I  think  that  crime  is  not  more  usual  now  than  it 
was  then,  and  to  have  it  shrouded  in  mystery,  is  per- 
haps better  for  the  purpose  of  intimidation  to  would- 


196  AN    "OLD    TIME"    AMUSEMENT. 

be  murderers,  than  to  have  them  familiar  with  the 
scene.  There  seem  to  exist  those  who  like  to  be 
public  heroes,  even  if  it  be  on  the  gallows. 

I  may  be  wrong,  and  the  reader  may  think  that 
the  reason  why  it  fills  me  with  horror,  may  be  the 
same  that  causes  some  people  to  quail  at  the  word 
"  Police,"  whereas  to  others  it  is  suggestive  of  law 
and  order*;  but  I  hope  that  I  will  not  be  suspected 
of  fostering  crime,  if  I  say  that,  though  I  deplore  the 
escape  of  a  murderer,  and  feel  a  keen  anxiety  to 
learn  of  his  capture,  I  feel  that  when  he  has  been 
arrested,  and  is  in  the  hands  of  the  law,  it  is,  if  hon- 
estly enforced,  quite  stern  enough  without  the  ne- 
cessity of  much  gloating  over  the  punishment. 

I  suppose  that  there  was  some  excuse  for  elaborate 
details  of  the  horrible  arrangements  for  the  new  ex- 
periment recently  tried — and  which  made  me  so 
nervous  that  I  could  not,  for  weeks  after  I  had  read 
it,  look  calmly  on  the  wires  on  which  my  berth  cur- 
tains are  hung  ; — but  the  guillotine  is  no  curiosity  ; 
and  I  think  that  the  announcement  of  Eyraud's 
arrest — and  of  the  fact  that  the  Herald  first  pub- 
lished the  news  in  France — should  be  the  complete 
duty  of  that  journal  ;  and  that  it  should  leave  the 
execution,  and,  if  needed,  the  exultation,  to  those 
who  owe  it  as  a  stern  retribution  to  their  murdered 
countryman. 


CHAPTER  XXXVI. 

A    DULL    PROSPECT. 

What  is  now  to  become  of  our  old  friend,  the 
blind  newsman  of  the  Fulton  Ferry,  since,  as  the 
He?-ald  reports,  he  has  been  ordered  out  of  the  newly 
acquired  "beat  "  of  the  Union  News  Co.  ? 

In  these  days  when  any  solitary  person  is  not 
allowed  to  earn  his  bread,  it  looks  to  be  a  pretty 
serious  problem  for  one  who  could  probably  not 
qualify  to  join  a  union,  and  has  not  capital  enough 
to  get  into  a  "  trust,"  to  decide  what  course  to  take. 
I  hope  that  the  old  boy  will  find  some  paving  stone 
in  the  metropolis,  which  has  not  yet  been  rented  by 
any  brancn  of  the  grand  army,  which  is  being  organ- 
ized to  fight  for  a  chance  to  live. 

Could  he  not  start  a  "blind  man's  union,"  and 
strike  against  some  "  amalgamated  brotherhood  of 
sight-seers,"  with  the  Herald  to  shout  his  "  battle 
cry  "  ? 

I  have  always  thought  that  I  should  not  like  to 
be  a  flying  fish,  until  the  dolphin  ceased  to  exist  ; 
but  to  live  in  New  York,  unarmed  for  strife,  seems 
to  be  far  worse.  The  flying  fish,  when  the  dolphin 
is  not  present,  can  have  a  moment  of  peace  ;  as  they 
do  not  appear  to  have  contracted  an  appetite  for  one 
another  ;  but  if  I  were  compelled  to  live  in  New  York, 
and  could  choose  what  personality  would  be  most  suit- 
able, I  would  doubtless  choose  that  of  the  armadillo. 


190  GOOD    FOR    THE    DRAMA. 

I  hope  that  I  am  not  more  envious  than  the  aver- 
age mortal  ;  but  the  dramatist  and  actor  of  the 
future  will  have  an  opportunity  for  gaining  a  liveli- 
hood, which  might  well  excite  the  jealousy  of  a 
king. 

When  we  have  pushed  aside  every  character  which 
connects  us  with  the  freedom  of  the  past,  and  have 
got  all  the  weak  ones  snugly  stowed  away  in  the 
workhouses,  hospitals,  lunatic  asylums  and  church- 
yards, then  will  every  one  rush  to  the  theatre  for  the 
temporary  revival  of  tender  memories,  with  the  same 
pertinacity  with  which  one  who  has,  in  early  life, 
nailed  wood-chuck  skins  to  the  barn  door,  is  always 
ready,  on  the  slightest  pretext,  to  again  look  on  the 
delightful  scene  of  Uncle  Joshua's  "  Old  Home- 
stead." 

As  he  is  probably  not  able  to  read,  except  where 
the  letters  are  raised,  and  as  the  Herald  does  not  use 
that  kind  of  type,  I  hope  that  some  charitable  person 
will  tell  him  about  McKinley,  in  order  that  he  may 
enjoy  his  share  of  the  common  scape  goat,  and  be 
able  to  account  for  the  many  ills  that  are  likely  to 
beset  him. 

Would  he  not  become  unpopular,  if  he  were  left  to 
form  his  own  conclusions,  by  the  evidence  of  the  few 
senses  left  him  by  a  perverse  fate  ? 

He  could,  I  should  think,  scarcely  fail,  in  the  ab- 
sence of  popular  bias,  to  bring  in  guilty  some  op- 
pressive measures,  which  had  their  sources  nearer 
home  than  Washington.  This  would,  if  I  may  judge 
by  what  I  read,  be  decidedly  bad  form  ;  and  be  ex- 


"MCKINLEY       SHOALS.  I99 

posed   to  the  criticism  of  those  who   never  look  at 
more  than  one  side  of  the  question. 

For  my  part,  I  am  determined,  if  I  find  the  bar 
outside  of  Sandy  Hook  too  shoal  to  allow  me  to 
enter,  tc  lay  it  all  to  injudicious  or  malicious  legis- 
lation on  the  Tariff. 


CHAPTER  XXXV 11. 

CONCLUSION. 

And  now  I  find  that  the  time  approaches,  when  I 
must  take  leave  of  the  reader,  that  I  may  have  time 
to  "  put  my  house  in  order,'  for  the  next  approach 
to  "  my  native  heath." 

The  two  bears  have  risen  far  above  the  Northern 
Horizon,  and  the  Southern  Cross  and  Magellan 
Clouds  have  disappeared  in  the  far  South.  Orion, 
after  months  of  standing  on  his  head  and  kicking  up 
his  heels  from  all  kinds  of  absurd  positions,  again 
climbs  majestically  from  the  Eastern  Horizon,  stalks 
proudly  past  the  meridian,  and  rushes*  down  on  his 
bovine  antagonist  in  the  west — in  an  attitude  far 
more  becoming  to  the  grandeur  of  his  stature,  and 
the  splendor  of  his  presence  ;  while  his  two  trusty 
attendants,  Canis  Minor  and  Canis  Major,  seem  re- 
spectively to  bark  with  delight,  and  growl  with  surly 
pleasure,  at  again  seeing  their  master  in  a  position  to 
win  the  battle. 

The  moon,  which  so  shamefully  deserted  me  when 
in  the  ice  fields  of  the  South,  can  now  attend  all  of 
the  merry-makings  at  home,  and  at  the  same  time 
cheer  the  long  nights  of  my  third  winter  of  the  year  ; 
and  help  preserve  me  from  the  Smoking  Monsters 
which  madly  rush  across  the  North  Atlantic,  in  the 
fear  that  their  freight  of  money-making  and  pleasure- 
seeking   humanity,  may    lose  a  moment  of   time,  and 


CONCLUSION.  201 

who  threaten  to  make  futile,  by  disastrous  collision, 
the  struggle  of  three  months. 

The  swaths  of  Sargasso  weed  stretch  from  North- 
east to  Sou'west  as  far  as  the  eye  can  reach,  and 
seem  to  indicate  that  old  Neptune  scorns  modern 
improvements,  and  still  "  gets  his  hay "  with  his 
scythe  ;  and  that  "  the  boys  "  are  off  on  fishing  leave, 
until  the  dew  gets  off,  when  they  will  commence 
"  spreading." 

The  pen  which — even  if  it  dismally  fails  in  giv- 
ing a  moment's  pleasure  to  others — has  enabled  me 
to  bear  my  present  term  of  imprisonment  with  less 
impatience  than  usual,  must  now  devote  its  rusty  age 
to  preparing  a  manifest  which  will  elude  the  talons 
of  the  fiercest  of  the  McKinley  falcons;  to  arranging, 
to  suit  the  fastidious  eye  of  the  modern  Guardian, 
the  outstanding  account  between  me  and  my  crew  ; 
to  preparing  a  list  of  the  various  wounds  that  my 
little  craft  has  received  in  her  recent  battle  with 
Boreas  and  Neptune,  to  deliver  to  the  famished  sur- 
geon who,  if  yet  alive,  will  meet  me  "on  Change  "  ; 
and  to  writing  a  short  note  to  be  immediately  dis- 
patched to  those  at  home,  that  they  may  early 
learn  of  my  return,  and  prepare  the  "  fatted 
calf." 

To  the  uninitiated  it  would  seem  that  I  could  then 
fold  my  arms  and  "  smoke  the  pipe  of  peace,"  until  the 
time  comes  to  again  make  sail;  but  no  such  delusion 
prepares  for  disappointment,  the  mind  of  one  who 
has  often  devoted  the  time  he  would  give  to  his 
friends,  to  a  steady  battle  for  the  preservation  of  the 


202  CONCLUSION. 

"  mite  "  to  which  he  hopes  he  is  entitled,  in  exchange 
for  the  hardships  that  he  has  endured. 

To  be  put  down  as  "  the  enemy,"  to  be  plucked  for 
the  purpose  of  retrieving  the  disastrous  consequences 
of  much  that  I  have  been  bewailing  in  this  omnivor- 
ous attempt  at  literature,  seems  to  be  the  sad  fate  of 
those  who  come  up  from  "  the  sea  in  ships." 

The  Merchant,  who,  between  desperate  competition 
and  incompatible  legislation,  probably  finds  it  diffi- 
cult to  bribe  underwriters  to  take  the  extra  risk  of 
"partial  loss,"  is  sometimes  tempted  to  hold  us  re- 
sponsible for  the  pitiable  plight  to  which  his  cargoes 
are  often  brought  by  the  hand  of  the  above-named 
powerful  enemies,  even  though  we  have  played  the 
part  of  the  staunchest  of  allies,  and  fought  to  the  last. 

The  underwriters  place  in  our  hands  the  burden 
of  the  proof  that  the  cut  mast  is  not  the  work  of 
temporary  insanity,  instead  of  the  result  of  a  cruel 
call  to  instantly  decide  which  evil  to  choose  at  a 
terrible  moment,  which,  perhaps,  none  on  shore  ex- 
cept a  field-marshal,  can  know.  Pie  must  instantly 
decide  whether  or  not  to  sacrifice  a  part  of  his  cher- 
ished army  to  save  the  rest,  and  we  must  give  the 
word  that  turns  to  a  seeming  wreck  the  gallant  craft 
that  we  love — that  puts  us  and  our  crews  to  the  risk 
of  famine — before  it  is  too  late. 

The  calker  takes  a  shot  at  one  of  the  last  of  the 
flock  of  geese  that  once  filled  his  purse  with  "  golden 
eggs,"  by  spinning  his  thread  of  oakum  a  little 
shorter,  and  the  time  a  little  longer,  to  fill  the  seam 
which  must  be  carefully  probed  (to  assure  ourselves 


CONCLUSION.  203 

of  the  absolute  necessity)  before  it  is  submitted  to 
his  mercy. 

But  to  go  through  the  whole  list  of  vexations  that 
meet  us  on  our  arrival,  would  be  to  tire  the  reader, 
and  make  an  end  of  the  pen  ;  so  I  will  abruptly  take 
leave  of  him,  and  not  trouble  him  again  unless  his 
lenity  shall  invite  me  to  do  so  ;  and  even  then  not 
till  some  other  voyage. 

For  the  critic,  I  can  only  say  that  I  thought  it 
absolutely  necessary  for  some  one  to  defend  our 
country  against  the  impression  given  by  her — per- 
haps— greatest  journal  ;  and  in  the  absence  of  an 
abler  champion,  I  have  done  what  I  could. 

If,  in  the  face  of  all  the  confessions  that  I  have 
made,  he  ever  ventures  to  rail  at  me  for  venturing 
before  the  public  in  the  present  state  of  my  literary 
capacity  and  acquirements,  I  will  place  my  little 
careworn  dictionary  beside  a  noble  "  Webster's  un- 
abridged," and,  after  employing  an  artist  to  engrave 
them — though  I  have  to  borrow  the  money,  and,  in 
consequence,  am  forced  to  navigate  till  the  last  hulk  \s 
covered  by  the  sands  of  Nantucket  Shoals,  and  finish 
by  rafting  logs  on  a  fresh-water  millpond — cause 
them  to  appear  in  every  journal  save  one,  from 
Manitoba  to  Mexico — from  Alaska  to  Cape  Cod  ; 
producing  a  thorn  for  his  flesh  that  will  cause  him 
to  rail  at  his  parents  for  ever  having  married,  (when  I 
commenced  this  sentence  I  intended  to  use  vastly 
wider  limits  ;  but  was  attacked  by  the  thought  that 
I  had  heard,  somewhere,  that  the  Herald  held  objec- 
tions to  "  advertising  cuts,"  and  I  am  not  in  a  position 


204  CONCLUSION. 

to   suppose  that  any   other  American  journal   ever 
travels  beyond  those  to  which  I  descended). 

Hoping  to  get  satisfactory  answers  to  the  many 
questions  asked,  I  will  fight  it  out  on  the  same  tack 
by  ending  with  the  words  :     Am  I  not  right  ? 


OX    SHORE. 

Although  I  promised  the  reader  not  to  trouble 
him  any  more  before  some  other  voyage,  I  am  tempted 
to  risk  a  few  more  lines,  to  let  him  know,  if  he  reads 
far  enough  to  find  it,  that  I  got  ashore  without  lash- 
ing myself  to  the  proverbial  spar,  or  subsisting  for 
months  on  those  members  of  my  crew  who  were  un- 
lucky enough  to  "draw  the  short  straw." 

I  was  not  disappointed,  however,  in  the  expecta- 
tion of  getting  the  Nor'wester,  but  got  it  hard 
enough  to  cause  both  my  ship  and  myself  to  give  up 
the  race,  when  within  fifty  miles  of  the  winning  post  ; 
and  to  run  for  a  haven  of  rest  in  a  lonely  isle  on  the 
coast  of  Massachusetts,  which  we  reached  in  rather 
a  forlorn  condition,  with  some  of  our  masts  sprung, 
our  sails  reduced  to  ribbons,  and  our  eyes  heavy  in 
consequence  of  an  absence  of  sleep  for  several  days. 
We  have  since  been  towed  to  the  metropolis,  where  we 
were  glad  to  meet  our  old  associate  and  fellow 
voyager,  the  Herald,  and  were  not  surprised  to  learn, 
in  the  first  issue  that  we  saw,  that  "  our  Indian 
policy  "  was  to  "  starve  them,  and  then  pump  them 
full  of  lead." 

I  have  also  been  reading  some  of  that  journal's  con- 
temporaries, in  which  I  learned  that  it  is  now  thought 
an  indignity  to  disarm  prisoners  of  war  ;  that  the 
"noble"  red-skinned  wretches  of  the  prairie,  are  so 
proud  of  their  inherited  reputation   for  candor  and 


206  ON    SHORE. 

good  faith,  that  they  resent  such  an  act  as  "  the  last 
unbearable  straw"  of  oppression  ;  and  that  soldiers 
who  do  not  receive  their  playfully  delivered  fire,  with- 
out returning  a  shot  that  might  result  in  inconven- 
ience to  the  worthy  matrons  who  produce  those  mur- 
derous pests,  (and  on  whom  we  must  depend  for  the 
tomahawkers  and  baby  scalpers  of  the  future),  or 
which  might  arrest  the  growth  of  a  young  scion,  who 
might  develop  into  one  of  the  brave  "young bucks  " 
who  only  require  a  chance  to  kill  "  some  six  or  seven 
dozen  "  settlers  in  "  the  early  spring,"  in  order  to  live 
quietly  the  rest  of  the  year, — should  be  court  mar- 
tialled  when  they  survive,  or  have  their  heroic  valor 
branded  as  cruelty,  when  they  fall. 

This  caused  me  to  make  some  inquiry,  which  re- 
sulted in  my  learning  that  the  Herald  is  one  of  a  class 
of  journals  known  as  "  Independent."  Thisissome- 
what  startling,  as  the  impression  that  I  was  under 
that  it  was  democratic,  may  have  led  me  into  injus- 
tice to  the  journals  of  that  party.  I  think  that  I 
have  sometimes,  in  a  spirit  of  defense  rather  than  of- 
fense, indiscreetly  used  the  plural  number. 

I  had  before  heard  of  independent  newspapers,  and 
supposed  that  tneir  business  would  be  peace  making, 
as  they  should  have  no  party  to  fight ;  but  it  appears 
to  be  their  policy  to  quarrel  with  the  Government  on 
principle,  in  order  to  be  popular  with  those  who  get 
themselves  into  trouble  by  trying  to  manage  capital, 
when  they  have  none  of  their  own,  and  those  who 
treat  "  rum  "  as  a  necessary  of  life,  instead  of  a  lux- 
ury ;  and  who  would    fain   unburden   themselves  of 


ON    SHORE.  207 

the  responsibility  of  their  resulting  condition,  by 
bringing  in  a  verdict  against  some  one  in  Washington. 

I  know  more  about  journalism  now,  and  shall  ex- 
pect the  Herald  to  find  grievances,  even  after  the 
other  party  steps  into  power,  in  '92.  I  hoped  that  we 
might  have  a  respite  then,  but  since  learning  that 
"  independence "  probably  means  unrelenting  war, 
I  have  decided  that  I  had  better  try  another  long 
voyage,  and  keep  out  of  the  din  as  much  as  possible. 
The  prospect  is  not  good,  as  freights  are  too  low  to 
insure  us  a  new  dollar  for  an  old  one  ;  and,  although 
the  "  Subsidy  Bill"  has  commenced  to  flutter  on  "  the 
table"  (if  not  actually  on  the  wing),  it  has  been  so 
sadly  plucked  of  its  few  charms,  that  it  can  scarcely 
pay  for  the  work  of  "  naturalization  "  that  we  will 
have  to  do  before  we  sail  ;  but  as  Noah  spent  one 
hundred  and  twenty  years  in  ship-building  for  an 
emergency,  and  as  I  have  that  much  the  advantage 
of  him,  by  having  one  already  rigged,  I  think  it  will 
be  well,  in  the  absence  of  remuneration,  to  use  her  as 
a  refuge;  particularly  if  the  tariffs  are  to  fall  "at 
one  fell  swoop." 

This  latter  consideration  might  tempt  the  unwary 
in  my  profession,  to  return  with  a  cargo  of  European 
manufactures  ;  but  as  my  rich  freight  of  a  very  few 
dollars  per  ton,  unassisted  by  tariff,  might  place  the 
American  spinners  and  weavers  in  a  position  to  pine 
for  a  return  of  the  days  when  they  could  indulge  in 
luxuries  which  European  spinners  regard  as  unattain- 
able, I  should  think  about  it  carefully,  before  tempt- 
ing the  descendants  of  those  who  figured  as  amateur 


208  ON    SHORE. 

stevedores  on  board  of  the  tea  ships  in  Boston  Harbor, 
for  fear  that  there  might  be  a  shadow  remaining  of 
the  old-fashioned  "Independence,"  and  I  would  get 
my  cargo  discharged  on  the  wrong  side  of  the  ship, 
to  be  in  a  position  to  collect  my  freight  money. 

I  am  in  some  hopes,  that  Congress  may  perform 
some  mysterious  Act  with  silver — that  being  an  in- 
shore industry,  and  interesting  to  the  great  and  pow- 
erful "West  " — which  will  tempt  me  to  bring  home  a 
cargo  of  that  rich  metal,  often  enough  to  allow  me  to 
keep  in  the  memory  of  my  friends. 

I  have  been  afraid  that  I  did  not  know  enough 
about  my  subjects  ;  but  have  learned  that  people  who 
stay  on  shore,  though  they  read  or  hear  ever  so  much, 
have  so  little  time  to  think,  that  it  no  longer  seems  to 
me  so  strange,  that  so  many  allow  themselves  to  float 
with  the  popular  tide,  with  such  extreme  docility.  I 
therefore  hope  that  my  great  advantage  in  this  re- 
spect, having  had  so  much  time  that  I  could  devote 
to  nothing  else,  may  have  had  the  effect  to  partially 
disguise  the  crudeness  of  my  knowledge  of  the  ques- 
tions discussed. 

Not  having  thought  that  any  one  could  make  a 
book  without  statistics,  or  the  power  to  introduce  and 
kill  a  heroine  with  precision  and  elegance,  I  did  not 
at  first  aspire  to  that  honor  ;  so  I  am  sadly  afraid  that 
it  is  not  so  near  to  being  in  good  order,  or  the  sub- 
jects so  separated  and  well  treated,  as  it  would  have 
been  if  I  had  earlier  contemplated  it.  I  have  now 
learned  that  it  is  far  easier  to  write  a  book,  than  to 
make  one. 


ON   SHORL.  209 

If  my  few  remaining  brother  navigators  think  that 
I  have  deserted  their  standard,  because  I  appear  to 
favor  protection,  I  will  explain  that  I  do  so,  only  be- 
cause that  policy  seems  to  be  the  result  of  many  years 
of  hard  labor,  by  (presumably)  wise  men,  in  our  Con- 
gressional Halls  ;  and  though  selfishness  seems  to  be 
the  fashion,  and  New  York,  as  a  gigantic  "middle- 
man," or  handler  of  goods,  appears  just  now  to  be 
showing  a  bright  example  of  that  sentiment  to 
us  as  carriers,  I  have  to  acknowledge  the  right  of 
the  majority,  the  producers,  as  represented  by  the 
greatest  number  of  voters,  to  arrange  the  legislation 
to  suit  themselves. 

If  Congress  thinks  it  desirable  to  foster  a  few  of  our 
profession,  in  order  to  have  some  one  to  fight  a  pos- 
sible enemy — without  the  inconvenience  of  sea  sick- 
ness— before  he  lands  to  cut  our  throats,  that  Body 
has  lately  shown,  by  its  happy  solution  of  the  sugar 
problem — which  relieves  the  American  people  from  a 
tax  on  an  article  which  every  one  uses,  and  which 
cannot  be  produced  in  our  country  to  any  extent,  and 
at  the  same  time  protects  the  few  who  can  produce 
nothing  else — that  it  can  be  done  without  setting  us 
at  work  at  something  which  will,  perhaps,  place  the 
American  spinner,  who  often  gives  his  wife  or  sweet- 
heart a  sleigh  ride,  nearly  on  a  level  with  those  of 
Europe,  who  can  seldom  afford  an  airing  on  a  two- 
penny bus  ;  but  if  they  ever  make  the  attempt,  I  earn- 
estly recommend  them  to  destroy  the  ghastly  ruin,  of  a 
former  Session,  now  about  in  the  throes  of  resuscitation, 
and  which  still  bears  the  title  that  was  given  to  it  by 


2IO  ON    SHORE. 

the  hopeful  "  Maineiac  "  who  first  framed  it,  and 
pass  one  which  will  lure  Young  America  from  the 
plow,  and  the  temptation  to  follow  in  the  footsteps 
of  those  who  stand  on  the  street  corners  of  our  cities, 
and  rail  at  legislators  for  not  making  laws  which  will 
enable  them  to  live  without  work. 

If  they  will,  at  the  same  time,  restore  Jack's 
manhood  by  allowing  him  to  manage  his  own  affairs, 
and  annul  the  rank  of  babyhood  to  which  he  has  de- 
scended, I  think  he  will  show  a  bolder  front  to  the 
enemy,  when  the  time  arrives,  if  ever,  for  him  to  show 
his  gratitude. 

I  supposed  that  I  would  be  the  only  person  in  New 
York,  who  did  not  know  about  rapid  transit;  but  al- 
though the  "  Bill  "  has  been  passed,  I  have  thus  far 
failed  to  find  any  one  who  knows  anything  more 
about  it. 

1  learn  that  McKinley  persisted  in  his  fell  purpose 
of  emancipating  sugar,  and  see  that  journalists  still 
rail  at  him,  ostensibly  for  tying  up  wool ;  but  I  should 
think  that  their  greatest  hardship  might  be  desperate 
competition  in  the  type  market,  for  the  particular 
letters  used  in  setting  up  his  name. 

I  learn  that  it  was  Kemmler  who  furnished  a  part 
of  the  material  for  the  electric  experiment,  but  1  have 
got  partially  used  to  it  now,  and  since  an  amiable 
Capt.  of  Engineers  has  assured  me  that  the  electric 
current  of  telephone  wires  is  very  mild,  and  cannot  by 
any  accident  become  powerful,  lean,  in  the  daytime, 
hold  the  machine  to  my  ear  without  trembling  very 
violently  ;  but  1  hope  to  be  able  to  induce  some  one 


ON    SHORE.  211 

else  to  do  it  for  me,  if  I  have  occasion  to  use  one 
after  nightfall,  or  when  other  wires  with  which  it 
may  come  in  contact,  are  alive. 

I  have  studied  the  Elevated  Railway  system  more 
carefully  than  before,  and  have  learned  that  one  can 
(if  he  gets  into  the  train  at  South  Ferry,  and  has  lived 
in  New  York  long  enough  to  have  learned  to  over- 
come the  weakness  which  tempts  the  uninitiated 
to  rise  when  a  lady  can  find  no  seat,  thereby  bringing 
his  line  of  vision  too  low  down  on  the  platform)  read 
the  names  of  the  streets  on  the  iron  fence,  before  the 
train  stops. 

I  have  also  searched  diligently  for  polite  officials; 
and  though  not  provided,  like  Diogenes,  with  a  lan- 
tern, have  found  one.  His  name  is  W.  D.  Callum, 
and  his  pleasant  face  and  cheerful  voice  may  be  seen 
and  heard  on  the  platform  of  the  Hanover  Square 
station,  3d  Avenue  Road.  As  he  was  one  of  the  first 
that  I  saw  after  my  arrival,  I  felt  conscience  stricken 
on  account  of  a  few  ill-natured  things  that  I  had 
written  ;  but  I  soon  learned  that  there  is  a  lot  of  my 
kind  still  remaining,  so  I  name  him  in  the  hope  that 
some  one  may  read  this,  and  recommend  him  as  an 
example  to  others  who  would  like  to  "  give  the  ship 
a  good  name." 

My  admiration  was  excited  by  one  guard  promis- 
ing to  perform  an  act,  before  which  the  twelve  labors 
of  Hercules  pale  into  utter  insignificance.  On  the 
one  occasion  on  which  I  defied  a  kind  Providence, 
which  has  seen  me  through  many  a  "  pinch  "  on  the 
ocean  wave,  by  boarding  the  "  Harlem  train  "  on  the 


212  ON    SHORE. 

6th  Avenue  Road,  I  raised  a  mild  protest  when  he 
violently  pushed  about  the  twenty-fifth  man  into 
a  company  of  us  who  occupied  one  of  the  plat- 
forms, and  had  already  assumed  the  shape,  and  about 
the  size,  of  smoked  herrings,  because  it  caused  an 
extra  throe  of  pain  to  a  back  already  nearly  broken 
by  the  iron  rail  opposite  the  gate.  He  immediately 
declared  that  he  would  "  put  me  off  at  the  next  sia-^ 
tion  "  !  !  As  that  would  be  Grand  St.,  and  I  had  al- 
ready begun  to  study  the  question  as  to  whether  or 
not  an  ambulance  could  be  obtained  at  about  99th 
St.  (at  which  station  it  appeared  probable  that  the 
platform  might  have  become  partially  cleared),  to 
convey  any  portion  of  me  which  should  arrive  there, 
back  to  8th  Street,  I  immediately  cheered  the  pro- 
posal. Of  course  any  one  who  has  ever  travelled  on 
that  train,  between  the  hours  of  four  and  six  p.  m., 
does  not  need  to  be  told  that  he  failed  dismally  :  out 
ever  since  I  first  climbed  to  the  top-gallant  mast-head, 
for  the  purpose  of  being  initiated  into  the  mysteries 
of  furling  a  royal,  and  my  tarry-handed  teacher  re- 
mained in  the  rigging,  and  swore  at  the  coming  diffi- 
culties long  enough  to  cause  a  relapse  of  mat  de  ?ner 
from  which  I  had  but  recently  recovered,  I  have  ad- 
mired those  who  seem  determined  not  to  let  seeming 
difficulties  stand  in  the  way  of  a  trial. 

The  only  thing  that  I  hear  about  sectional  dis- 
agreement, is  the  "  Force  Bill."  I  have  tried  to  learn 
what  kind  of  a  bill  this  may  be,  but  opinions  are  too 
conflicting,  to  enable  the  inquirer  to  see  very  clearly 
into  it.  Some  say  that  it  is  intended  to  help  the  negro 


ON    SHORE.  213 

to  vote  as  he  pleases,  and  some  that  it  is  to  "  force  " 
him  to  vote  the  republican  ticket.  The  latter  looks 
to  a  certain  extent  feasible,  as  the  word  "  force  "  is 
conspicuous  ;  but  as  I  have  always  thought  that 
negroes  took  kindly  to  that  course  without  its  appli- 
cation, it  is  rather  confusing. 

The  advertising  fiend  seems  not  to  have  been  at 
work  very  hard,  since  I  have  been  away.  I  have  for 
years  regretted  that  one  who  would  fain  learn  in  what 
part  of  the  town  he  might  be  should  be  continually 
reminded  of  his  duty  to  provide  against  the  possible 
tears  of  his  descendants,  which  may  result  from  a 
too  limited  supply  of  "  Castoria  "  :  but  the  only  ad- 
ditional care  that  has  been  thrust  on  him  within  the 
past  year,  is  a  caution  against  procrastination,  if  he 
hopes  to  secure  an  office  in  the  "  Pulitzer  Building," 
which  has  not  only  lately  penetrated  the  metropolitan 
"clouds,"  but  promises  to  add  to  astronomic  lore,  by 
having  brought  "  The  World  "  much  nearer  than 
ever  before,  to  the  other  planets  of  the  system. 

I  have  listened  to  the  "  dark,  spare  and  strenuous 
young  speaker,"  whom  I  mentioned  as  drawing 
youthful  audiences,  and  learned  that  a  suspicion  of 
baldness  does  not  disqualify  one  for  the  privilege  of 
hearing  his  new  theories.  Those  who  are  used  to 
him,  appear  to  know  by  his  motions  when  the  fun  is 
coming  :  but  I,  not  having  been  posted  beforehand, 
did  not  get  in  my  share  of  approving  laughter,  when 
he  came  to  the  climax  of  a  thrilling  tale,  of  a  boy 
who  was  "  honest  "  enough  to  pronounce  his  father 
and  mother  "the  two  biggest  liars  in  Chicago,"  because 


214  ON    SHORE. 

they  had  told  him  that  it  was  too  cold  to  drive,  and, 
after  getting  him  to  bed  under  false  pretenses,  had 
utilized  the  advantages  of  maturity,  by  taking  a  drive 
themselves. 

I  am  glad  that  I  heard  this,  because  I  can  now  see 
how  badly  I  was  treated  by  my  mother,  when  she  told 
me  that  it  was  "  dark  under  the  table  "  ;  and  my  hope- 
ful youth  tempted  me  to  try  to  postpone  my  depart- 
ure for  "  bed,"  by  showing  that  she  was  mistaken,  as 
I  could  still  detect  the  outline  of  my  faithful  friend, 
"  Lion,"  who  spent  his  evenings,  after  our  hard  work 
at  "  howking  mice  and  moudiworts,"  in  that  shadowy 
nook.  Sometimes  this  produced  the  desired  result, 
but  alas  !  I  am  afraid  that  she  was  often  led  into  the 
unpardonable  sin  of  allowing  her  motherly  anxiety 
for  me  to  shine  in  my  country's  history,  by  following 
the  maxims  of  our  great  philosopher  of  the  ginger- 
bread rolls,  and  failing  to  admit  its  truth. 

I  have  been  studying  the  various  arguments,  by 
which  many  men  in  New  York  show  that  it  is  per- 
fectly regular  to  allow  a  lady  to  stand  in  a  car,  with 
a  view  to  adopting  one  of  them  myself,  when  I 
am  fortunate  enough  to  find  one  that  appears  ten- 
able. 

Some  maintain  that  if  we  take  a  seat  at  the  Bat- 
tery, we  are  justified  in  keeping  it  until  we  arrive  at 
Harlem.  This  looks  well  from  a  legal  point  of  view, 
but  if  a  lady  enters  at  Grand  Street,  I  feel  timid 
about  explaining  the  circumstances  to  her.  At 
school,  we  had  a  law  by  which  a  deposited  book 
secured  the  rights  of  the  depositor,  until  he  came  m 


ON   SHORE.  215 

person  :  but  this  was  on  the  "  boy's  side,"  and  I  got 
no  practice  in  holding  out  against  "  the  enemy." 

Some  say  that  men  work  hard  all  day,  and  that 
many  women  go  down  town  for  no  good  reason.  This 
is  probably  true  enough  :  but  I  do  not  like  to  ask 
them  what  they  came  down  for,  and  as  I  am  aware 
that  many  women  work  hard  too,  and  that  many 
more  may  have  very  imperative  errands,  I  cannot  see 
my  chance  in  that. 

Some  say  that  young  women  should  not  be  allowed 
the  seat  of  men  who  are  older  than  themselves  :  but 
I  find  myself  at  a  period  of  life  that  makes  it  hard  to 
put  in  a  claim  to  infirmity,  and  it  is  yet  harder  to  ask 
their  age,  as  many  might  think  that  I  have  other 
motives. 

Many  have  a  reminiscence  of  some  time  in  the  dim 
and  faded  past,  when  they  gave  up  their  seat  to  one 
who  failed  to  acknowledge  the  courtesy  :  and  they 
felt  the  indignity  so  severely,  that  they  have  resolved 
to  never  again  place  themselves  in  such  an  awkward 
position.  Being  able  to  recall  a  case  of  the  kind,  I 
at  first  thought  that  I  might  utilize  this  position  :  but 
the  first  one  who  stood  in  front  of  me,  looked  so  en- 
tirely unconscious  of  any  knowledge  of  the  unfor- 
tunate event,  that  I  found  it  difficult  to  blame  her, 
because  some  one  whom  she  had  probably  never  seen, 
had  failed  to  show  symptoms  of  good  breeding. 

I  have  often  found  it  difficult,  when  I  contemplated 
performing  an  act  of  courtesy  to  strangers,  to  get 
statistics  with  which  to  calculate  the  chances  of  my 
pearls   falling  before  swine;  but  when  I  meet  with 


2l6  ON    SHORE. 

a  case  where  I  must  figure  as  one  deficient  in  courtesy, 
or  take  the  risk  of  the  other  person  doing  so,  I  in- 
stinctively get  out  of  it  myself,  and  if  the  other 
chooses  to  remain  in  it,  I  am  not  responsible.  I  have 
read  that  noble  natures  blush  at  the  faults  of  others, 
and  I  can  understand  why  :  but  I  always  found  it  to 
be  much  less  embarrassing  to  blush  for  others,  than 
for  myself. 

It  seems  to  be  pretty  generally  understood,  that  if  a 
woman  has  a  baby  in  her  arms,  she  may  safely  be  given  a 
seat,  without  our  having  our  masculine  rights  trampled 
on:  but  since  I  learned  of  the  ingenious  one  who  car- 
ried an  inanimate  package,  "wrapped  in  swaddling 
clothes,"  for  the  purpose,  I  am  afraid  we  cannot 
trust  them. 

I  try  hard,  when  travelling  about  the  world,  to  de- 
fend the  situation,  by  hinting  at  the  cosmopolitan 
character  of  the  New  York  people,  hoping  to  get 
out  of  the  responsibility  ;  but  when  they  maintain  that 
uninitiated  foreigners  are  the  ones  who  yield,  I  find  it 
difficult  to  maintain  my  position.  1  don't  like  to  fall 
back  on  the  argument  that  many  of  us  aspire  to  a 
fashionable  tailor,  even  when  we  belong  to  a  rank  in 
life  that  does  not  trouble  itself  about  courtesy,  be- 
cause the  European  mind  does  not  readily  take  it  in. 

Although  New  York  is  about  the  last  city  in  the 
world  in  which  a  Don  Quixote  would  like  to  try  to 
establish  old  time  customs,  I  wish  to  remind  it,  that 
our  departed  fathers  worked  hard  to  give  our  coun- 
try a  good  rank  among  nations,  and  that  we  should 
strive  to  emulate  them  by  keeping  it  up,  even  if  it 


ON    SHORE.  217 

necessitates  steadying  ourselves  by  a  strap,  ior  an  hour 
each  day.  Meanwhile  we  can  vote  hard  for  Rapid 
Transit,  and  get  a  chance,  as  quickly  as  possible,  to 
take  our  ease,  and  at  the  same  time  practice  the  usual 
gallantry  toward  those  on  whom  we  depend  to  cheer 
our  hours  of  recreation,  and  who  are  taking  a  posi- 
tion among  the  women  of  the  world,  which  should  fill 
every  American  with  pride. 

I  have  talked  with  a  few  "  Looking  Backward  " 
maniacs,  and  they  appear  to  usually  agree  with  me, 
that  in  our  present  incomplete  condition,  it  would  be 
uncomfortable  to  live  under  such  circumstances  ;  but 
that  when  we  "  get  educated  up  to  it,"  we  will  find  it 
different. 

I  am  afraid  that  is  unsafe  ground,  as  when  the  ex- 
periment was  tried,  of  saving  only  four  men  and  four 
women  for  the  work  of  regeneration,  it  resulted  in  a 
race  of  apple-eaters,  much  like  the  ones  who  descended 
from  the  original  pair  who  furnished  that  gastronomic 
example  :  and  I  am  afraid  that  if  we  commenced 
with  none  at  all,  and  depended  on  a  new  kind  origi- 
nating from  nothing,  it  would  be  slow  work. 

I  have  also  learned  that  "  The  Experiment  in  Mar- 
riage," by  Chas.  J.  Bellamy,  has  not  been  so  widely 
read,  as  its  associate.  I  do  not  understand  this,  as  it 
looks  to  me  to  be  a  fitting  sequel  to  the  other,  and  I 
do  not  see  why,  if  we  are  to  live  without  care,  we 
should  not  carry  that  plan  as  far  as  possible.  When 
we  go  down  town  to  get  our  soup,  we  might  just  drop 
into  the  Government  stock-yard,  and  see  how  our 
babies  are  getting  on. 


2l8  ON    SHORE. 

If  a  mother  does  not  like  to  apply  for  a  position  as 
nurse,  for  fear  that  her  duty  would  extend  to  many  be- 
sides her  own  (which  must  be  the  case  unless  the  other 
feminine  duties  are  all  neglected)  or  because  her 
husband  might  take  advantage  of  her  absence  to 
register  his  name  for  a  divorce,  marry  another,  and 
send  in  some  half-brothers  and  sisters  to  play  with 
them,  and  if  she  pines  for  the  prattle  of  childhood 
about  her  home,  I  dare  say  it  might  be  managed  with 
telephone  wires.  When  personality  becomes  such  a 
mere  bagatelle,  that  those  wonderful  instruments  will 
fully  supply  the  place  of  the  present  charm  of  a  seat 
at  the  opera,  and  save  the  expense  of  opera  glasses 
to  those  who  are  so  stupid  as  to  wish  to  see  and/eel 
the  presence  of  a.  prima  donna,  as  well  as  to  hear  her, 
I  think  that  we  may  use  them  to  replace  all  which 
seems,  to  the  present  uneducated  race,  to  make  it 
worth  while  to  live. 

I  earnestly  recommend  all  who  admire  the  first 
part  of  the  scheme,  to  give  the  other  Bellamy  his  due, 
by  taking  his  contribution  into  consideration  ;  and 
as  I  know  a  few  ladies  who  will,  I  think,  require  a 
long  course  of  close  study,  before  they  can  graduate 
with  sufficiently  high  honors  to  enable  them,  without 
a  pang,  to  consign  their  little  ones  to  the  care  of 
the  millennial  Mr.  Bumble,  I  recommend  them  to 
commence  without  delay. 

Before  passing  on  I  wish  to  ask,  if  it  would  not  be 
more  practical  to  try  a  little  harder  to  live  happily  as 
we  are  now,  than  to  try  to  sap  the  foundations  of 
institutions    which    are    the    result    of    thousands    of 


ON    SHORE.  219 

years  of  steady  improvement,  while  yet  the  crudeness 
of  our  minds,  and  our  great  natual  repulsion  to  ease 
and  ennui,  would  only  admit  of  our  replacing  them 
with  chaos  ? 

I  hope  that  when  any  of  us  decide  to  leave  an  old 
political  or  social  position  to  embrace  a  new  one,  it 
will  be  the  result  of  deep  and  careful  thought,  and 
not  on  account  of  the  erroneous  idea  that  when 
everything  is  not  to  our  taste,  any  change  must  be 
beneficial.  Adam  seems  to  have  been  as  well  situated 
as  one  could  well  be,  but,  under  the  disadvantage 
of  not  having  read  history,  he  took  up  the  first  line 
Oi  conduct  that  seemed  to  promise  a  change. 

We  all  know  the  result,  and  should  take  advantage 
of  our  opportunities  to  learn  how  others  have  suc- 
ceeded, before  taking  an  unadvised  leap  ourselves. 
There  is  no  need  to  cite  the  well-worn  adage  about 
the  rolling  stone. 

I  think  that  history  fails  to  tell  of  any  human  be- 
ing who  could  ever  honestly  declare  that  everything 
was  perfectly  satisfactory  to  him.  Alexander  seems 
to  have  reached  about  the  head  of  his  profession, 
and  then  actually  wept  because  other  planets  were 
not  within  reach  of  his  conquering  armies.  It  may, 
then,  be  taken  as  a  basis,  that  we  will  never  get  to  a 
point  where  we  are  to  be  entirely  satisfied. 

Let  us,  then,  not  take  it  too  much  for  granted  that 
because  we  feel  dissatisfaction,  we  are  on  the  wrong 
path;  for  should  we  try  another  without  careful  study, 
it  may  be  so  full  of  pitfalls  as  to  lead  to  utter  disaster. 

There  seem  to  be  those  who  are  ready  to  benefit  by 


220  ON    SHORE. 

political  or  social  changes,  much  the  same  as  jackals 
and  vultures  live  best  when  war  and  murder  are  ram- 
pant ;  but  let  us  carefully  guard  against  allowing 
them  to  utilize  our  inevitable  dissatisfaction,  to  gain 
their  nefarious  ends. 

When  we  are  satisfied  that  protective  tariff  is  not 
the  thing,  let  us  go  to  work  and  systematically  and 
judiciously  remove  it  ;  but  I  can  only  hope  that  those, 
if  there  are  any,  who  know  as  little  about  political 
and  financial  cause  and  effect  as  I  do,  will  be  careful 
about  taking  to  pieces  machinery  which  may  be  dif- 
ficult to  put  together  again. 

Mechanics,  and  most  branches  of  science,  seem  to 
require  but  little  study  to  enable  one  to  understand 
them  pretty  well  ;  though  at  first  sight  they  appear 
so  difficult  that  one  almost  despairs  of  learning  them 
at  all.  In  political  and  social  questions,  it  appears 
to  be  diametrically  opposite.  The  novice  seems  to 
regard  them  as  within  the  reach  of  any  one,  while  the 
degree  of  proficiency  which  enables  the  student  to 
see  that  he  knows  very  little  about  them,  seems  to  be 
the  exception. 

The  unthoughtful  voter  thinks  that  he  could  make 
a  wise  law,  as  easily  as  a  smith  can  fashion  a  horse- 
shoe ;  while  the  wise  statesman  labors  for  months, 
loses  his  sleep,  and  wears  himself  to  a  shadow,  by 
framing,  revising,  amending  and  urging  the  passage 
of,  a  measure  that  may  miss  its  mark  altogether^ 
and  at  the  best  must  give  employment  to  lawyers 
and  judges  in  the  future.  The  dissatisfied  politi- 
cian sees  his  chance   in   this,  and  strives  to  convince 


ON    SHORE.  221 

the  voter  that  dishonesty  is  what  made  the  law 
defective.  The  editor,  if  he  be  anxious  for  "  circula- 
tion," sees  more  of  it  among  voters  than  statesmen. 

The  unthoughtful  laborer  sees  a  prospect  of  more 
pay  after  a  strike,  but  does  not  see  the  pitfalls  be- 
yond ;  while  the  thoughtful  student  of  social  ques- 
tions, sees  them  plainly  enough,  but  finds  a  difficulty 
in  pointing  them  out  to  him,  in  a  way  that  he  will 
understand.  The  agitator  sees  his  chance  in  this, 
assures  the  laborer  that  he  is  right,  and  thus  manages 
to  preserve  a  situation  that  enables  him  (the  agitator) 
to  live  without  work. 

Many  appear  to  be  confident  that  the  tariff  laws 
are  made  to  enrich  the  capitalist,  and  to  oppress  the 
laborer.  I  cannot  see  any  way  to  separate  their  in- 
terests. If  the  right  relation  exists  between  the  em- 
ployer and  employe,  what  benefits  the  former,  ought 
to  benefit  the  latter.  If  the  laborer's  pay  is  not  better 
or  surer,  whan  the  work  on  which  he  is  employed  is  in 
a  position  to  pay  better,  it  appears  that  there  is  too 
much  labor  for  the  capital  invested,  and  makes  it  de- 
sirable to  have  the  latter  increased. 

I  hear  it  urged  that  laws  should  be  passed  regulat- 
ing trade,  by  which  it  will  be  a  misdemeanor  to  hold 
goods  at  a  higher  rate  of  profit  than  the  one  fixed  by 
them.  Also  to  allow  a  so-called  "  Board  of  Arbitra- 
tors "  to  destroy  the  most  sacred  rights  of  employer 
and  employe.  Is  this  the  liberty  for  which  our  an- 
cestors fought  ?  Must  we  accept  the  dictation  of 
Government  in  the  question  of  what  we  shall  charge 
for  what  is  our  own  ?    How  many  additional  lawyers 


222  ON    SHORE. 

will  be  required,  to  adjust  the  resulting  questions? 
Will  the  penalty  not  extend  to  school  boys  who 
"  hold  "  marbles  and  pencils  too  high  ?  Shades  of 
ye  who  fought  for  Magna  Charta,  listen  to  this  ! 

Let  us,  before  we  resort,  to  laws  which  would 
have  put  to  shame  Nero  and  Caligula,  add  to  our 
present  scheme  of  getting  as  much  as  we  can  our- 
selves, the  plan  of  taking  care  of  it.  Let  us  use 
what  we  invest  in  the  corner  saloon,  to  start  a  little 
"  trust  "  of  our  own. 


